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Formerly KLANGORSCRAWLER

AGAIN WITH THE NEW BEGINNING
^{SATURDAY 27 July 2024}

ME 'N ME PARTS WORK an' me's work.. we watched a video of people doing "parts work," and thought "how gay is this?" ("gay," we should say is term that means most closely, "pretentious or 'toxic spirituality,' talk in an overly positive voice).. these kids kill me.  Notwithstanding.. the genuine pursuit of all that is good and right, (but some people think murdering their family is a good and right thing to do); we certainly acknowledge that the deepest heart of any child is good and right.. and "authentic," (at least until the mind fucking begins).  Once "betrayed," by its connected parts.. (parents and "care-givers"), well.. we're thinking it gets a little harder to reach.. then harder and harder.. it grows a little more weary of "coming out to play and show itself," (his or her).  

LOTS OF TALK
^{THURSDAY 25 July 2024}

ABOUT BEING OUR OWN FRIEND here, or of becoming our own "inner parent," to our own "inner child," and every other kind of suggestion under the sun.. we'd say it all boils down to how I am speaking to myself.  In the material world I'd like to say, "okay, little Richie, I think we've gathered together enough crap we like.. (take a look around).. we've imagined every kind of project or thing we want to do with the crap.. picked up the various objects, studied them for a while, set them back down.. let's get busy making something of them.. as it seems very very likely that, for all our efforts, we will never quite succeed in making anything of you."

Now, hey, ho, hold on a minute here.. I've had just about enough of this razzing.  Who appointed who the job of making something of me in the first place?  What are you going to do, saw an arm off and paste it to my ass.. Pablo?  You are going to improve on the model?  And what's to say there was a model or a mold anyway, and even if there wasn't, this is pretty much it.. I'll be lucky to get up and get to the bathroom much longer.. this great design of integrated parts.. breaking down.  I'd like to ask you to point out the point.  I'd like to ask, "what was it you had in mind when you decided to go about the business of making something of me?"

RELAX
^{SATURDAY 20 July 2024}

"YOU CAN ONLY GROW SO MUCH IN one day," (the thought), but the focus is on the word "you."

It is such a strange use of a word, a unique place in communication of meaning, both singular and plural, but used most often in a way that includes the person using it.. (in popular slang).. "you know, you just can't.." for example, or "you know, (how it is), when you wake up in the morning.." when speaking of a common experience, or sharing an experience.. "it makes you feel..." 

"You know like when you wake up out in the yard in a pair yellow stretch pants and you can't remember putting them on.."  (um.. that's never happened to me).  I was thinking that what the kids are calling "the matrix," is more like "enmeshment," or the sort of connection to a community that is somehow, not entirely void of isolation or separation, but suffering much less of it.  

Ironically, this seems to be the exact thing they are after.

"Cringe," is an interesting phenomena, (second-hand embarrassment).. or the shared discomfort of extreme shyness, self-consciousness to the point of petrification.. all anyone wants to do is get away from it.  It is difficult to determine why this experience perpetuates itself in future occasions, grows worse or better.. why one man blossoms and another wilts.

I meant to document a moment of experience that came so close to "splendor."  It's not a word we hear very much anymore.. I meant to say this is by far the best year of my life and I am very thankful for that.. there has not been any sense of real progress or stability until now.  And it was very much a forty-year period of a "wandering in the desert," sort of thing.  I would never presume or suggest there was anything "chosen," and made to occur in accordance to the wish of an "almighty being," responsible for that moment; I would not presume to know why anything is as it is, at all.. much less spout off about it.. at least any more.

I would not, for example, point to any mental illness or astrological alignment.. anymore.. I see clearly it has come about as the results, (meager), of long sustained effort to, (for lack of a better phrase), "do the right thing."  It is proof at least that there is such a thing, or that by doing such a thing I am rewarded, at least in kind, (if not "tenfold," as was promised by Jesus).  In certain moments yes, ten and a hundred fold.. while at other times vanishing or being swept away in a returning horror.  

But that it is certainly the interplay of the outer and inner worlds the body of man is, or seems to be, faced with.. the tick-tock of time.. his memories and projections.. his rubbing elbows.. and all the while wishing for peace.. such a longing for peace.. (the freedom from anxieties).. 

It is very much learning to be alone and with other people.  This was never a natural "flow."  

Possibly it is relearning of all that it is to be alone and to be in the company of others.. (sober).  

And there's just something about "alcoholism," that makes the thing dull and marred or unworthy of attention.  My efforts and story.. my life.. there is just something about "sobriety," that cuts us off from the apex of the hill that is the core of the highest.. the one true "right."  It's a dingy side show.. second place.  Or much much worse than that.. anyone sitting and listening to a blowhard spew out his "story," for an hour will wonder at the feeling there is any real "success," at all in such a ridiculous event.  

"Have you done good today?"  Where does a question like this come from?

"This is what I want you do do."

Can the leopard change his spots?  Yes.  But it seems more he must die and be born a different animal altogether.  He must be cared for as any other infant and nurtured, disciplined, and set on his feet again.. all the things anyone can imagine "good," for the boy.  He must provide these things for himself.  He must rather stand up to the worst sort of rejections and criticisms; he must believe in his vision.. and this is only acquired through proof by experience.  

Self-care becomes a self-sustaining animal in the same way self-neglect is a suicide.  This is why most alcoholics must hit a bottom, or die an ego-death.. (one in a long succession).. sufficient to kill whatever it was that sustained him.  

Well, such it is to talk.  I've just gotten the studio to a point where there is a sense of "clicking," about it; things are arranged and habits instilled that give me a feeling of substantial growth, a sense of maturity.. evidence of it.. that "by my hand," this thing has come into being.. but not that.. rather an alignment with what I have determined to be "good," and "proper," in the world.. by experience.  No slave or prostitute am I.  But is this a boast or is it a reality?  Testing testing testing.  

These "trials," are no different than any man's.. and right next to that is the surety that this happened only once.. forever.

THE BEAST
^{WEDNESDAY 17 July 2024}

I WENT LOOKING FOR THE BEAST LONG AGO MAINLY out of boredom..  

At one point it seemed obvious that the television was the BEAST.. but certainly I was mistaken.

I want to ask the kids, "where was this MATRIX they keep talking about back when man was conquering fire?"  In the rudiments of his own self-discovery.. if we haven't taken a good thing too far once again..

There is no respect for self-sacrifice, it's become ruined by the eternal hypocrite.. the big boy.. the Jew, mastering entertainment.. the jealousy of God.. and a roiling-idiot monkeyville.  Back when Ronald Reagan first took office I'd heard that scientists proved that getting away with a lie produced more Serotonin in the brain than.. well.. "telling the truth," (one supposes).. it's difficult to tell when a monkey is telling the truth; telling the truth at all seems so associated with "confession," (the making of an unwanted testimony.. usually against the self).. it's no wonder the idea is so unappealing.  We were trying to understand how such a douchebag like Ronald Reagan could become the President of the United States.. (and Joe Biden just told George Fluffoluffogus.. "I'm trying to run the world;" of course I am not mentally impaired yet).. little could we have suspected.. they are all actors now.

Telling the truth requires trust.. the basic belief the "hearer," of it has the confessor's best interest in his heart.  But the good ol' "American," home is the very bed of that "BEAST."  

We are monkeys pounding our chests.. so frightened of the threat.. (that the little bastards will embarrass us in public).  Life at home is no longer how to equip the children for life alone but the need to be accepted in a crowd of bored adolescent bachelor monkeys.

Bored-assed bachelor monkeys who probably really do believe their own nonsense.. barking.. ever at the cowering masses of women and children.  I'd like to suggest there is no, or cannot be both a "divine male," and a "divine female," existing in the same sphere; one of them has to be base.

It is a blind un-empathy.. this "go and conquer," possess the land, and kill everything in sight.. that probably originates when the young male gets driven from the camp.. go and collect your own herd of females.. and "good luck."

And there is no escape but into the female.. the fantasy.. the fiction.. begging the gods to fill the fields and keep the young from perishing.

But somewhere there is truth and that has to be enough.  Alone in the dark.  And this is only gotten in prayer and fasting.  Be neither male nor female?  I don't know.

I can only say I am alive but for the love of others.. when there was no love at home.. rather one will need to decide the male or the female.. of course I am using these terms to describe a set of poles that has no understanding, no consciousness, no description, no explanation; we can only accept or reject the awe, the petrifying effect, of their being.. in humility or hate.. live in their total lack of concern for our little joys and pains.. as we cry, "why doesn't this eternal include me?"  

We cry and cry and cry and lie and lie and lie.  Scrambling old worn out and shaved sheep.. worthless wool.. bumbling over a bedtime story to quiet the hoard of hungry mouths.. crying crying crying.. oh, you're lying.. this is no real bedtime story.. you made it up!

Fuck you, you spoiled little princess Psycho Boy.. and I made him just like me, after my likeness.. male and female I made him.

***

SHE PROBABLY WON'T WANT ANOTHER CHILD.. in this "divide-and-conquer," place.. and woe is me for it.. the turning of the body against the mind.. the mind against the body.. her clamoring soul so many "chemicals," coursing through her veins.. "we certainly can't afford that!"  And don't worry Honey, it's just Art and Literature in the morning.

Outside it's a masterful turning of me onto you.. turning everything around.. until "is it me or is it you," becomes the stifling air.. 

She was masterful indeed.  And such is as it is.  The woman will survive.. the man will kill his self.

But never the twain shall meet.. never the two really being whole in rocking chairs by a fire.. pursuing old greeting cards from grandchildren.. (whose vegetables they spent years before on washing machines.. long before the little cunts were born).  We spoiled them out of cowardice, (not even real guilt, but a mimic).. we plopped them in front of the boob-tube.. snuck off to jack off.. forget for a few seconds and flood the body with something stronger than the good heart.. crying to us.. 

But that it's there it's there.. and it will not be silenced.. you'll see.

And so we have little bands of "Essenes," forgotten and foolified.. envied and lost.

PRINCIPLES BEFORE PERSONALITY DISORDERS
^{MONDAY 15 July 2024}

BILL WILSON HIMSELF MIGHT BE ONE of those considered to be one of those great "narcissists," of all time.. (at least by his wife)..

IF IN EVERY DOG THERE CAN BE FOUND the savage seed of each the alpha and the omega.. and every in between..

JOINING ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
^{SUNDAY 14 July 2024}

I COULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE TALKING about joining A.A. and not complete the work because it is like the universe, "ever expanding."  My capacity to care about my self and other people is not a fixed thing.. but the decision to care about my life and the lives of others has to be fixed; it needs to be whole and complete and "one-hundred percent," real.  

Life really boils down to a series of decisions, (growing up), about who or what to put first.  It can be a person or a thing, or a concept, an ideal.. and what threatens this "challenge," more than anything else in the world is the ability to separate falsehood from truth; the greatest threat to this ability is the intensity of emotions coursing through my body at any given moment.

How best to "be of service," to myself and others is another issue but the beginnings of that determination can be easily employed in the simple act of telling the truth; nothing so deteriorates life as deception in the midst of the people that make up our "world of attachments," and nothing illustrates the sum total of my little life beyond the group I belong to.. what it does.

***

IT IS PLAIN TO SEE THE INFLUENCE OF EMOTION on the thoughts found scattered about on the various pages of this journal.  I've thought all along things needed to be presented un-edited.. but fulfilling that design has proven to be one of the most difficult things ever attempted.  People say the stupidest, cruelest, most incomprehensibly damaging things imaginable, the fluffiest, prettiest, most profound and inspiring words are pronounced, or rather pounded into our ears, in a non-stop stream of human sound.. to the point many many many go completely mad.  And what a word, "mad," (to describe "being angry").. "I am mad."

The thought that this is the person "God," identified "Himself," as being, (in the Hebrew Bible), this, "I am.." (or the "I am that I am"), if anybody asks what God you come in the name of.. 

And then of course we have Jesus telling us, "whatever you ask in my name will be given to you," (or something very close to that sentiment).. and what are we to make of that exactly?  Is it the power of a name?  If God brought every living thing before Adam and Adam went about naming everything.. it leaves us to wonder if at the end of the exercise Adam turned to God and thought, well.. what should I call THIS?  What shall I call YOU... 

But it's foolish to veer off on some tangent if it does not help to illuminate the wisdom of the lesson at hand.. and so I will return to the original purpose of writing this.. how best am I to be of service.. and to what.. for what...

What exactly is it that I want my group to be known for doing in the world? (amidst the stories of people and groups remembered and repeated and chosen to be pounded into the ears of the young everywhere).. 

One of the most profound and unforgettable things my father ever said to me was, "I have no use for you."  It was written down in a letter, (to be precise).  And I recall feeling a warped sense of excitement when I read it.. mixed with the pain was some odd and un-nameable good feeling.. (righteousness maybe).. self-pity.. justification.. (proof he was a complete asshole).. I could dwell on the statement probably the rest of my life and never know what it was about here on the face of the earth.  If people are so interested to know why animals reproduce after their own kind.. why trees and flowers and every living produces the seeds of its own kind.. if anyone is mystified to wonder why on earth people would decide to have children anymore... well, my father would have said something to the suggestion, "so that you can use them."  It answers the question anyway, why are you so fucked up.  You, as I see me.

So the day I first heard, (in A.A.), that my very survival depended upon my usefulness to others.. well.. that was over fifty years ago.. and still, the words, hearing that sentiment uttered in any way, causes my stomach to clamp down on itself, and raises an impulse to get up out of my chair and walk straight for the door.  And if I was now some righteous "old-timer," in A.A. wanting to sound all wise and profound, I could stand up in a meeting and ask the group.. "what are you all using the new guy, (the child in our midst), for?"  

WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING
^{FRIDAY 12 July 2024}

WHO ARE YOU WHEN NO ONE is looking?  It was once a popular question in A.A..

THE GLORIOUS C.F.A.
^{FRIDAY 5 July 2024}

JUST WANTED TO FIRST to suggest the coinage of the term for the emerging fire: "Corporate Fiefdom of America."

The sheep without a shepherd, -too cowardly to go to and look at God, (or any "God," exactly, if that is as it is), alone..

Will the King care about the poor, the disadvantaged, the sick, the old.. the useless.. and the broken among us?  Will it be that hilltop city worth giving one's life for.. the great shining example that beckons and inspires the world to.. to what.. to be like us?

Oh give us a king lord, so that we can be like all the other nations.. proud and strong, enviable and always safe...

***

CERTAINLY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER TO HAVE BEEN killed in the womb or the cradle..

***

I MADE A NOISE ONE DAY in grade-school, standing in a line made up of my "classmates," as we were being led to the "gymnasium," for an hour of "dodgeball."  The teacher was not at all happy with us that day.  "If one person makes one sound in this line," she warned us, "we will turn around and march right back to this classroom, and..." (the rest of the warning is forgotten).  It was a distance of possibly 100 yards.. no more.. and certainly "doable," (as people like to say now about doing things).. but the noise issued forth of itself.. there was no accounting for it.  Did I forget my instructions?  We'd made it all the way to the gym door and were waiting for the teacher to open it.. and how I wish I could remember what I said and why.. maybe I could be excused or understood.  I seem to remember something of a trigger.. and the teacher making all sorts of noises as she followed us up the hall.. I seem to recall her fumbling with the keys.. uttering curses, possibly.. something not at all happy.. and it doesn't matter now.

But that she was good to her word, our teacher, and ought to be respected for that much.. she turned us around and marched us again the 100 yards of hallway, only the other way.. back to class.

It was there the fight broke out.  It was the first fight I'd ever been in and, of course, wasn't much of a fight; it would not make the newspaper or be blown up into a documentary, like a famous battle, or war, or conflict, or great acts of criminality and heroism.. the other boy and I just got into a pushing match, nothing worse, much like two bulls one would think, each testing the other's strength.. we had been friends up until that day and this is how friends fight.  How it began, however, I remember exactly, and shall never forget.. it is funny my heart still picks up speed a little bit going back to revisit that day.

When we arrived back in the classroom my friend was grumbling along with everyone else.. apparently the noise ban had been lifted and we were all allowed to express our various degrees of displeasure.. I remember him saying, "thanks to Raycroft," and tapping me on the forehead with some magazines he had in his hand.  It wasn't a heavy stack of magazines or a heavy blow, in fact, he might have been smiling.. more to say, "good job old boy," but I snatched the magazines out of his hands, (quickly and wordlessly), and hit him with them, also in the head, but much harder than he had hit me.. (I'm not sure anybody even noticed his tapping me on the head with the magazines above the din of complaints and shuffling student stuff.. his explanation of what was happening.. but the smack I gave him was a noise nobody expected, like a fart in church, every single person in the collected-together community hears it and is struck themselves by a stopping thing.. the attention is snatched away in the manner I took the magazines from that boy.. a shocking sound.. like a bomb hitting your neighbor's house on a quiet afternoon in the suburbs.. it says: "this should not be so").  

We pushed a bit and the teacher pulled us apart.. we went back, (one assumes), to our respective corners.. (the story ends there for me).  I remember nothing else of the boy, or myself, in that setting.

Last night we heard more "bombs bursting in air," here in Lockport, NY.. there was actually a guy sitting alone in his yard last night just after dark, (I had to go buy some water); he was sipping a can of beer and lighting off some little "whistle-zip-boom," things.. and I think he was embarrassed that the last on flew horizontally and seemed almost to be returning, in air, to the spot it was launched from.. he collected his drink and returned to his house.. but the noise went on long after dark.. near and far.. I also heard a disturbance on some shrubbery in a yard and there stood a large buck deer looking at me, legs and body twitching with.. something.. and near to him a doe.. just as startled and just as looking at me.. it seems they too had been driven to the suburbs by some noise that should not be here.  And I really want to say, "oh, just wait until all that noise is real.. real bombs bursting, only not in air.. but on your house.  

I was riding with a friend, just Wednesday, and he was navigating us through a busy intersection, and he is prompting me to imagine we are out trying to get some groceries and we hear a sudden "pop-pop-pop," and see pickup trucks loaded with men and firearms.. screaming past the rubble of previously destroyed houses.. the smoke.. and blood.. and mangled people.. entrails.. shit and piss.. and if we make it home to the TV we can hear our glorious leaders say again, "none of this should be so."

FEAR FEAR?  (FUCK FDR) FEAR IS YOUR FRIEND.. NAY, BEST FRIEND
^{TUESDAY 2 July 2024}

NOW THAT WE ARE ALL PROPERLY HORRIFIED of our bodies.. isn't this a great place to live?  

It's a strange thing these "native," women all saggy-boobed and rather monkey-looking all out in the open like that.. has no one forced them to confront the crime of nature that is their bodies!  

Except for Walmart.. I'd say civilized man has been educated out of decorating his body with paint and bobbles and taught to use these things properly, textiles and plastics.. to hide it. 

We are like baby deer never emerging from the grass.. and we haven't stopped crying for mother too much.. most social media can be summed up in three words, (not "I love you"), "wah wah wah."

It's just mind boggling listening to my favorite girl describe her insomnia as not being able to stop thinking and worrying about having a panic attack.. like the hordes of barbarians are poised just beyond that hill to storm in here and kill or enslave all the men, put the children into organized pedophile markets, rape the women and eat all the cows.. (what is now oreo cookies and fluffernutter in the pantry).. and our best outfits!  Our best outfits will become cum rags.. 

Wait.. "fit for the out?"  Is that were "outfit," came from?  This idea you can "put this on," and be all "safety and security assured," or confident any one of the Bush family.. I mean.. just forget what's happening in the UK.. like anybody that is not pesticide poisoned and toothless is going to have confidence that anybody in a suit is capable of protecting anybody from anything.. the most recent presidential debate made me want to simply kill them all.. especially the "moderators."  Moderate horseshit?  It's fucking embarrassing.  And these jerkoffs convinced we need Jesus back on top.. um.. he was there?  Once?  Was he?  Well, what happened?  You fucking baloney head.

And why do we listen to one douchebag after another, say the same thing, and do the same thing?  It's because we have so little that we are scared to death to live without it.  People will always somehow show up on time for the bullshit.. I don't know why anyone would think someone else's fiction was more significant than their own.

^{sometime last month}

IT WOULD BE A (GRAVE?) MISTAKE I THINK TO THINK that I chose "philosophy," for anything, much less a good reason, (but that the grave might lead to a "resurrection").. as a hobby or craft.. as it seems more to have chosen me.. it would, (and does), suck.. and worse that everybody else believes philosophy was my choice, just as my father believed alcoholism was a "lifestyle," choice, (of the uncontrolled drinker); there was no mastery of self available to me other than the most conceptual, in nature, (of outer or inner remains anyone's guess), of any sort of "self-mastery," and certainly no belief, if this was the consequence of having no control over my consumption of alcohol.. that this consequence was my reality from the beginning.. the greatest characteristic of my existence, (this lack of character).. in the need of character.. and all these fucking weed-smokers now.. (the chemical age).. everybody's a fucking shaman now.. I mean, thank god for YouTube but come on.. I was of the last generation that had to learn how to read.. wait until your kids are getting wisdom pumped out of some "tube," directly into their dick.. (see how you like it).  
No, of course I don't hate my Dad.. I envy him his medicine.. or did.. but he's gone now.  He tried to say, you know, "toward the end," (after the step-mother hounded him on his having been so brutal to me and suggesting he say something nice), he said, "you have your Art," meaning, well, yeah, you must be some kind of fag but.. maybe this will help.  He never would have understood that Art is no medicine.. not like beer.. or weed.. or chlorpromazine.. philosophy, in the end, is a thing born of withdrawal symptoms I think.

HO VINCENT
^{SATURDAY 29 June 2024}

(sung to the tune "Mandy," by Barry Manilow)

^{An article in Harvard Magazine states that “[van Gogh’s] medical biographers agree that his adulthood included periods of hypersexuality, hyposexuality, bisexuality, and homosexuality,” and that “his stormy homosexual affair with the painter Paul Gauguin included endless, often argumentative discussions.”}

^{- 11 Vincent Van Gogh Facts Most People Don't Know (allthatsinteresting.com)} 

ALRIGHT KIDS WE ARE GOING to do something a little different today.. we are going to give, (the ghosts and my self), our opinion on something, a video on YouTube, created by a woman we find very interesting indeed.. one Miss Gabi Kovalenko.

^{youtube screenshot
  https://youtu.be/0-qdVBzvQQk?si=2YMX2w4Y51iIPfsa}

The video in question, "Activating Your Sacral Power | Sexual Energy, Transmutation, and Life Force Potentiality," was for us a lesson in listening to the kids.. meaning, good luck with the vocabulary.. but what we love about Gabi is the stuff seems to flow out of her automatically, she doesn't seem to be referencing any cue cards or teleprompters of any kind, she never glances at notes.. and unless she is simply very good at hiding all of that, (or we are easily fooled), I'd have to conclude she is onto something worth looking into.

Apart from wanting to explore some "sacral energy," with Gabi here in the living room, or asking her sit for a painting, I'm forced to kind of acknowledge the stuff she's presenting, (alas)...

Against the real business of the day:

^{MY SHOE 
cellphone shot 29 June 2024}

THIS BUSINESS OF RIGID AND REPETITIVE.. "toit," (not much room for the sacred sacral anyhthing).. but since I left a comment for the channel, instead of re-thinking the whole thing again, I'm just going to copy-and-paste that note:

@richardraycroft4806

1 hour ago (edited)  Wow, what weird timing.. you know I suspected something like this all along, (if I've got your vocabulary down, which is unlikely).. the main adversary in the thing, (for me), being just over 20 centuries of Catholic terrorism.. (in Hicksville USA).. you know.. pitchfork-folk.. (and I'm going to edit this note to include mention of the more progressive branches of that "greco-roman," root.. spreading their "sacral," thing about the congregation).. but I found the most interesting article on Vincent VanGough.. here's a piece of it:
   '...an article in Harvard Magazine states that “[van Gogh’s] medical biographers agree that his adulthood included periods of hypersexuality, hyposexuality, bisexuality, and homosexuality,” and that “his stormy homosexual affair with the painter Paul Gauguin included endless, often argumentative discussions...' 
It's only relevant because I am a portrait painter forced to deal with the homosexual influence over the Art scene.. (outwardly).. inwardly I've heard it said the "creative force," (or "spirit"), is feminine.. which wasn't something I was thrilled to hear but I live with it.  Tough to reconcile Leonardo being gay.. or some notion of prostituting this spirit so that I can eat.. but again, we don't live in a matriarch.. (wish you girls could have a go at the empire once in a while.. and if I wasn't so terrified of your collective sexuality I might become politically outspoken about it.. but I'm just trying to be funny).. fame wrecked Pablo Picasso I think.. (I don't care what anyone says.. you look at his early work and where it might have gone had people not made so much of him).. 
Anyway, not to force a history lesson on anyone, just my way of saying thanks, good daughter.. keep up the good work.  Where was all the girls like you when I was young.. alas...

***

NEVER DANCED WITH ANYONE.. (sober).. seems a shame.. I dance to this song every day just about:

  ^{https://youtu.be/9uf6EY2BZBw?si=fWLUbm3RXqayaGrA}  

MY COUNTRY MAKES ME SICK.. Gabi uses the term "harness," when speaking of what to do with our "sacral," specialness.. dancing is more about unleashing it, I think.. but if I REALLY let it out.. (?).. 

Which brings us back to the sexuality of someone who threatens the whole game.. 

^{WEDDINGDRESS
oil sketch in progress 20 1/2 x 24 1/2 in.} 

WHY PAINT THIS?
^{FRIDAY 28 June 2024}

NOBODY'S LISTENING, (ask Don McLean.. oh my god no.. that's absolutely not what I am trying to say).. them that can't hear will never be able to.  It strikes me that life is not great but it is fantastic.  "Fascinating," (Spock).. and this takes me back to the initial nature studies.. just sitting in a tree, "affixed," (afascined), to the bark.. "designs?"  Fuck them that won't listen.. no better than the NY fag art scene.

^{WEDDINGDRESS (detail)}

THE MOST AMAZING EVENING
^{27 June 2024}

TRUE LOVE WILL NOT ALLOW A MAN TO LOOK AWAY.. we forget.  In the unceasing hailstorm of information it is difficult to distinguish magic from confusion; the child asks for neither religion nor science to be continually, relentlessly, pounded into his senses.. we forget that at the bottom of all of it the most important treasure is the heart of the child.  

That most genuine beauty sees through the fog and smoke and corruption to which it is equal.  The frailty is petrifying in its enormity because it is the whole of itself.. against what seems so much greater, all that is the flood and the volcano, the earthquake, the assault upon it.. but the worst of all destruction is deceit.. it is a vomit and a death.. betrayal.

But the child cannot forget what is most precious and what calls for every action under the sun whether good fair and right, or riotous, evil and vain, to protect it, even from their sight, the sight of the unworthy.  I know this.  Nothing will shake the conviction of it.  Nothing can.  The heart of the child will be there when all fear of it shrinks into nothingness.

Fearful?  Yes.  The hatred of such vulnerability is like the black hole that sucks at the organs in some unseen unimaginable unbelievable way.. like an acid.. an ingested poison slowly consuming and ever seeping and spreading.. a creeping thing.. pinching.. until the child cannot sit, cannot rest, cannot think, cannot speak.. "Give answer," it says, when there is none.

DUTY BOUND
^{THURSDAY 27 June 2024}

WAIT WHERE IS THE GODDAMNED CALENDAR?  Our days do not have the proper markings.. but such is.. such is.

We wanted to say, if a man has a duty it is to un-attach himself.. just as all of our study has led us to the problem of attachment.. in the great cycle of the archaic to the now.. the suffering and relief of suffering.. 

We were thinking earlier that the child's heart longs most for attachment that is for all intents and purposes "perfect."  And how would that be described?  I was thinking of myself that of all the things I long for here and there it is for that person to whom I can tell everything without question, anxiety, chains of any kind.. a perfect expression of me.. with no trepidation.. no reprisal.. no advice.. 

But for "feedback," (we simply must say something about "feedback").. and well the word we'd say speaks for itself.. feed and feed back.. and soon we should have a tube we can plug into our heads.. one big universal feed.. by a lead.. effortless.. 

We cannot leave without mentioning the lumping together of women and children.. (FIRST!).. always "women and children first;" neither seems at all equipped to get along long without the other.. this might explain the rash of men unwilling to grow out of adolescence eating the land.. (sucking the tits of the barren and the hag, and throwing them the occasional bone in return).. I'm suddenly picturing Jesus with a long train of women schlepping along.. one from each caste.. the men together jealous as any one man can be alone..

ALRIGHT BOYS
^{THURSDAY 21 June 2024}

LISTEN TO GRAMPA A MINUTE HERE NOW.. AND you might avoid picking the wrong person to share a bathroom with.. or everything associated with the bathroom.. which escapes most people's minds as they charge ahead and jump into the dumbest "bouncy house," of all.. "marriage."  Now, of course, no Grampa from here, (the U.S.A.), can have anything of value to add to anything happening anywhere else in the world, but let that go.  I'd say if you were brought up in a "Christian," home, (or precisely "Catholic"), here in the U.S.A. I'm thinking go ahead and shoot yourself now.. or.. if you are still masochistic enough to "see what tomorrow brings," I suppose I feel some duty to my country to say it's not going to be any better.. and I'll tell you why in one word.. "BOREDOM."  And it's important to get across to the young people, good luck, but try, that if you hear you beloved utter the words, "I'm so bored," or confess at some point, "I'm only doing this, or did that, because I was bored," RUN.. just pack the fuck up and say "honey, goodbye."  -and for them still clinging to the more traditional approach to "what-the-fuck-is-this-now(?)," meaning they still think somebody can tell them, or answer that.. (like Jesus, for example).. when it comes to boredom anyway, I'd say, "HEY.. you want to know who else is bored? SATAN!"  
-Not that this will sink in either.  More likely it will "plant the seed," of "hey.. me and Satan are so the same!"  For the rest of us, yeah, you hear, "I'm bored," get the fuck out.

I was thinking of making a serious lesson of this but I'm anxious to get to work on something else.  The "message," today, if applicable: you want to know the "cure," for boredom?  It's "TRUE LOVE."  Now.. of course, everybody knows the difference between loving someone and loving a Gucci bag.. we should hope, anyway, but there is none.. not here.. not now.  "True Love," it has been said, "will not allow a man to look away," and since we have to include women somewhere.. (they will see to it).. I suppose if someone you are sharing all the bathroom things with responds to the question, "why are you here," with something along the lines of.. "well, I think you are a fine specimen of a human being," you might be able to work with her.. but I don't think so.  I'm not sure "I'm bored," is anything I ever said to my father, but it's possible, and likely got smacked out of my memory.. but we can speculate.. that's the beauty of being fine specimens of the human being variety.. I think my Dad would have thought about me being bored for maybe a tenth of a second, then told me to go outside.  What I'm certain he would not have said was, "oh my, that's a real problem.. pull up a chair.. let's see if we can find a solution."  I'd have run from that anyway.  It would have been a far hotter hell than the boredom.  And any more discussion or meditation on the subject is going to lead us to that age old, (well 200-year-old or so), famous "American," question, of how and who and when is anybody "lucky," enough to find true love.. what mechanisms really have to be in place in the "family-of-origin," fuck-fuck.. to get this true love ball really kicked off and rolling?  That's all for you kids to figure out.  Why?  Because Grampa has to poop.. (and luckily he still has the capacity to decide whether or not he's going to poop in his chair).

"WHAT ARE YOU.. TOO GOOD TO SHOW US YOUR PRIVATE PARTS?"
^{WEDNESDAH 19 June 2024}

SHE WAS SOME "DAUGHTER number three," or something, at a public outhouse in China.. (paraphrased from a novel I've forgotten).. if we are trying to get to the bottom of the liar.. if the effort is at all worthwhile.. probably I'd say, "yes," the girl's private parts were far too good far too treasurable to be shown to a herd of swine standing in line.  I'm wondering if "THE KAPO'S DAUGHTER," is taken, (as a title of a novel), yet.. if any parallel can be drawn to the big "GYM HEAD," here in the fabulous United States of America.. to Roman "anarchy," or, "farm them and leave them to their voodoo-cultures.." it is impossible to say.. "verily.." all this is impossible to say.  The little girl had most likely never heard of Jesus or his warnings of such dangers as "casting one's pearls before swine," or of all the "waiting lists," to gyms and clubs in the good country over here.. "evil," is always outside of here.. yes, it's a "spirit," from somewhere.. we don't like to say "God created it," (and the Jesus thing too).. I don't at least like to use the term "evil," because it is so often attributed to something outside of the guy pointing it out.. and it's an old tired conversation now.. just ask the kids.

In simpler terms, man is separated from all of nature in the occurrence of his spending so much time waiting in lines.. monkeys don't even stand in a line.. (everything "waits").. therefore, at least I feel, striving to be a good friend to and of nature is the highest of all "virtue," or "good work."  I can almost think the whole purpose of bullying someone is to "RELEASE THE CRACKHEAD!"  Fight back now.. let us know you've got some evil in you.. make friends with it; make friends with us.. 

Or else sit back and wait our shot at the throne.. (the liar always thinks of making the right play and fucking up the shot).

I am wondering about a little grey creature in the grass, a vole or a mouse, too far away to know, but that it seems very young and clumsy, almost falling over and righting itself over and over.. I am wondering if it is a lost piece of the young among us.. if it is cutting a new path in the green.. I am wondering if it needs saving from the hawk that circles the sky every other day.. does it need scooping up and putting in a box.. and "yes!" Georgie said.. "I need to exert my executive powers of authority to protect you.. dummy."

CANNOT DETERMINE WHAT TO DO EXDEPT MY DISHES.. and to peek in on the grey creature now and then.. until it is gone.

STRIFE EVEN STRIFE
^{TUESDAY 18 June 2024}

HOW DISAPPOINTED SHE WAS AT THE STORE just a minute ago.. "Oh," she said flatly, "you bought a cutting board," then sighed.  Yesterday, "Oh," again, "you hung a puzzle on the wall."  

These pains return.  I constructed a table from materials at hand, "Oh.. what is this thing?"  I pinned some curtains together and hung them up before sewing.. "Oh.. are those supposed to be curtains?"  I rescued a chair from a garbage heap and she laughed, scornfully, at it.

"Why don't you want me here?" she asked.

DERISION EVEN DERISION she is the voice of her father.. the Kapo.. the prison functionary.. the functionary of corrections now.. 

"Why don't you want me here?"

And many other just assessments she has made of me.. me, the world and all its other "niggers."

ET TU BRUTI
^{SUNDAY 16 June 2024}

ALRIGHT KIDS WE ARE GOING TO ASK THE MOST serious of all questions today: were the Stoics happy? I've been looking of late at some mixture of that branch of thought and a more modern pop-language psychology which is akin to the influx of some alien culture onto our own.. the Mexican Invasion, for example.. is there anything good about allowing in the ability to incorporate the three primary colors unmuted into one piece of Art, (at full strength), as the Mexicans seem to be able to do, while still retaining legitimacy as our own hybrid culture, unique in all the world, or possibly even take credit in the way the U.S.A. is absolutely the catalyst in every other nation doing so good and improving themselves?  Even though America is pretty near the bottom rung of the creation of beautiful Art ladder.. 

Alright, forget that question.. except that I heard the phrase "emotional regulation," in video on Stoic Advice.. and had to ask myself if regulating my emotions, even if it is possible, is something I really want to do to myself, this imposing of more regulation.  Is anybody else asking themselves what emotional regulation even is.. or are we all simply satisfied to more or less accept we don't have it?  I mean, I've never once heard a car salesman say to me, "you know, Dick, I don't think you need a new car; I'd say you already have a perfectly good one."  And should it be so ironic that I've come to find out that I live pretty good and get along just fine without a car, if it's worth expending the energy of asking myself if I every needed a fucking car.. AT ALL...

Curious with all the talk of taking the "pro-active," or positive approach to living that therapists can't help pointing out to us more than anything else at all to the best of their ability just about everything we lack.. and therefore, "need."  I think these are the least of all people who should be trying to teach anybody how to be happy.  Here in the consumption capitol of the world people are gorging themselves on this vocabulary of the mental health and worse than all of that fixing up recipes of their own, (I can't help it), making big sample trays.. (bring a dish to pass).. or rather taking their friends down to the showroom to have a look at the latest models.. I think you have to kind of suspect things are getting really bad, (with a particular thing), when it has begun to make its way into Rap Music.

But we were talking about Brutus, the famouse Markus Assholius Something Something.. and his partaking in the conspiracy to assassinate Ceasar.. (whom he loved more than anyone).. if the study of another story is of any value in the study of our own.. talk to my girlfriend and watch her eyes glaze over at the mention of somebody, a famous man, or Jesus, or anybody really, that's not her.  I'm more curious to know if Roman Polanski is still out on bail or what's happening now, if I have to hear "Roman," again.. one look at that story and you're left asking yourself if anything of value came out of the Christianization of Rome at all.. and weren't things better back when assassination and conspiracy theory was a good thing... I don't know.. all I can get out of it is the sinking suspicion that less and less and less people are at all capable of making a decent decision on their own.. 

THE TERRIBLE TWOES
^{SATURDAY 15 June 2024}

BEING TOO TIRED TO GO INTO ALL LOVE AND HATE TODAY.. I've settled on the idea that I am not that, and not that.. not that or that or that.. (especially).. I am that I am, and not that.  It is a little like the kid that learns what "no," means and can't be distracted from it.. looking around, Adam saw that none of the animals suited him as a mate.. (in the australian sense as well as the biblical.. since this is a biblical reference).. the big sleep came and there was Eve.. and "here I am!"  We are going to smash the idea that "you just need to be different," is a bad thing.  No stealing jokes.  

"We all struggle with God," and oh, "fuck you," I want to say.  In reference to all this business amongst the kids now that each of us is in fact God, and that's that.. ("get out of the matrix").. get busy making this a good place and all that.. let's give a little credit for the inner fuck-fuck of needing to be different in a real way.. because there's no choice in the matter.. you are the only you there will ever be.. now, what are you going to do with him or her or she or they or me or John Lennon.. or.. you?  Yes, there's more of a solution than simply pointing out another problem but the head is hurting.

"Wisdom is proven in her children," (Jesus said).. but that every tree bears fruit after its own kind; if there must always be a "but."  That's the second half of everything everybody would do away with, the infamous "but," and the guy that just wants to be different.  'STOP SAYING "YEAH BUT,"' (the A.A. sponsor said).. Yes, it's all there; you just have to look, not find, (it will find you), and all the rest of it.. like kids these kids posting their favorite toys off the shelf for everyone.. only we don't need another toy hess truck.. or to hear any more about Jesus.. for christ's sake.. go make something up.

FUCKING INSANITY
^{WEDNESDAY 29 May 2024}

MY DISDAIN FOR YOU IS YOUR IMAGINATION.. "I don't know what you think you heard come out of me but I don't remember.  I don't know what I did."  

This is my home.. the most important thing in my life.. it is all I have.  

I cannot take any more disdain.  Maybe if this thing, (disdain), was any one man's fault we could disdain him with clarity and purpose, but it seems more an inherited quality of life.. but even giving it back to the one who gave it to me would not anything but a perpetuation of this "evil."

And it seems the disdain of self above all else, ("I.. the chief of sinners").. this overcoming of the tyrant and "belittler;" but in terms people might understand better, the fallen father, (to me), the humiliater, and Lord of the House:

The drunken homeless life is preferable for it's congruity of meaninglessness as opposed to this hashing out of what means what in the schoolyard surrounded by rivals, absorbed in adolescent rage, a permeating sense of unwelcomed impotence, (against the approaching night), "I'm not scared!" (we all whimper and simper).. "my dad is going to beat up your dad," (and some actually do).. the drunken homeless wanderer is superior in that he does not wish to have the pride of taking all sorts of "responsibility," for what is disdainful, (amongst the people).. of what needs "ridding from the community."

She disdains her own "old-man-fetish," and imagines everyone else does.. (that I do).. and looks about for an explanation into the "father-wound," or some such other justification for the disdain of what attracts and overtakes her.. (rage is the only thing stronger, but always shackled to the hate).. one supposes it is worse for women who by their very nature are more or less "destined," to give in to the attraction.. and we can spend more and more lifetimes digging up the grave of Adam.. the original reviler of "God's Law," and of the "Jailer," and "Curser;" leaving us all to reap thorns and sticks.. but out of the puke rises one small person who has it right.. and corrects no one.

Disdain is the bed of the weak and cowardly.. the small child.. when he is disdained for his vulnerability and constant need.. his hungry stomach and "ingratitude," his sense that the world belongs to him and everything in it.. but that out of this morass of bullying a bright shining good can rise.. there is forgiveness.. and better than forgiveness is not taking offense.. (it will make you seem a fool but who cares for a fools assessment?).. forgiveness requires the "offending," person to admit they committed some error, when in fact they did not.. or to be "sorry," or some such other regret, or wish to be in the good graces of another again.. some hodgepodge of human drama nobody really understands or has much control over.. a book of "shoulds," and "should haves."

Accept you tender skin, little worm, murmuring "ah," and "ouch," by turns.. be happy for both.  It is not indifference or cold superiority.. rather dignified and humble weeping.. be glad for your sense you are not better or worse than any other worm in the dirt.. one supposes a worm might rise up among us, smarter than the rest.. convincing worms they are not worms but something greater.. 

And Dylan Thomas needs to stick his rage against the dying of the light up his ass.

***

THE PROBLEM WITH LOVE is hate.. the solution is the understanding that the "alpha," and the "omega," (dog), are equal.  Bill Wilson identified this as the "inability to form a true partnership with another human being," and it is the same problem with "idolatry," in that idol-worship will fill the very same person with an equal sense of disdain for the "idol."

In reality no one has any more "power," (over anyone else), than anyone else.. and it's almost like the perfect mind-fuck of nature, (the prison of the body).. the butler, for example, generally has more control over the masters of the house than the masters themselves, (have over the butler).  

This is the way children "love," people, with a deep sense of connection, nearly one being, one organism.. so any "dominance," or "subservience," any inequality.. "scolding," for example, from the parent, "humiliation," this is the disdain for the original "God," (that person's own "Idol").

It feels like we are getting even with the idol.. but in reality we are never equal.. we know we will never be.. until, of course, we marry it.. and I say "it," because this object of humanity is not really alive outside of us.. he or she is just the hated parts that are so disdainful to us.. we divorce..

(and ever after on and on and on, until we are dead.. we "chase after foreign idols").

***

YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF OR NOT, (I don't care), "why all this hatred of children born out of wedlock in the Catholic Church?" -site the Irish treatment of both the mother and the child.. especially since Jesus was born to an unwed daughter.. (but ho, mighty Joseph was righteous.. and a "sap," unfortunately by all american standards.. fitting he should disappear from the story altogether and be replaced by the father in heaven).. this fits the theory that marriage is instituted as a "sacrament," (a thing that must be held above all inferior things, -as people go, the "spinster," for example, the "barren woman," and the "cad"); by a bunch of confirmed "bachelors," (pedophiles of themselves), this horror was inflicted upon humanity.. power starved idolaters.. (every one of us).. children and wives should be so much chattel.. like a yoke about the lord's neck these hungry mouths to feed.. and this upstart bastard proclaiming "YOU," are guilty of a worse "adultery," than the whore.. (you who lust after her in your heart).. in your disdain for her power over you.. 

Unto the third and fourth generation.. but that here and there a boy should escape.. 

By the harlot's rope the prophet's are saved..

The perfect mind-fuck of nature.. being thrown out of the garden.. in sweat and pain will you bring forth grain and bitters.. (ever more bitters).. until I send you forgiveness in the form of a story so convoluted not one of you will understand it.. the man on the cross.. that you might imitate him.. as an idol even.. some out of reach fan-tomb.. always better or worse never equal.. 

That "God," created the "Devil," (and not the other way around), is only half the story.. but that this "holy," synergism is the origin of "life," in a man, and "death," and "resurrection."

It is the natural "idolatry," in a boy toward his "earthly," father that must be matured out of.

***

MATURITY IS MAINLY NOT BEING things one at a time.. like "God," in that this notion can only be described by everything it is not.. a life is a long succession of things we never wish to do again.. mistakes.. and any "good name," or "bad name," we might have earned along the way is only there to serve them that remain.. it can do nothing to or for us anymore.. as it did little for us when we were here.. both we denied. 

I HAVE TO SAY
^{TUESDAY 28 May 2024}

WHAT AN INCREDIBLE (TREMENDOUS?) FUCKING up my ass.. (life has turned out to be).. I was thinking of the thing I wanted most out of life, or to experience here, above all things.. and having it denied me.. it's a thing I imagined as a young man and well, who thinks of the reasons someone wants something, to say it's a good reason, or a stupid reason, or a "selfish," reason.. certainly it was a selfish reason.. that's what wanting something is!  (Why make it worse?).. everybody has to be young and foolish.. you'd think that would have been enough for us that we wouldn't have to take it out on the planet.. young and foolish and feeling foolish.. so fuck the planet.. and everything that moves.. I can certainly not think of one good reason to condemn myself for wanting something.. but it's as if "God Himself," maybe differed a little in his reasoning.. and considered me important enough to inform me of it.. and to all the way down here off his mighty and holy throne up there.. way up there in heaven of all heavens.. to fuck me in my ass.. and, of course, not give me my thing.. or to not give me my thing and THEN.. fuck me in my ass.

This all reminds me of a fag I knew just after high school working in a hospital warehouse that took me to lunch and told me he got fucked in the ass by four black guys, (a white kid).. I thought and felt and said, "that must have been terrible."  He said, "no.. I loved it."  And, yes, that should have been it..  I can clearly and distinctly remember that was the deepest feeling I my heart, "that's it," the big "see ya," meaning "please can I have it that I never have to see you again," (God and Angels).. I mean, I don't know what we were talking about that led up to that.. his queerness, one supposed.. all things in a fag lead back to his being queer.. and it seems horny all the time.. it's the one thing I don't like about them but that's another subject.. maybe being queer creates such a self-condemnation that being horny is the only relief.. or purpose.. "ah, well.. at least I've got THIS," (boner).. I suppose I can relate to that.. but what sort of basis for a friendship is a distraction from the condemnation of God going to foster.. I still wanted my thing at the time which seemed better than being fucked in my ass by four black guys.. I hadn't yet been fucked in my ass by the holiest of holies.. in my dumb little unholy hole.. 

Not that there's any legacy involved, I just had to say I didn't love being fucked in my ass.. 

***

UNRELATED.. it's worth asking, "why do people hide things?" Just don't be tortured by not knowing.

BONDING, JAMES
^{FRIDAY 24 May 2024}

IT WOULD BE INTERESTING AND INFORMATIVE TO KNOW HOW many Jews stayed in Babylon.. of course, I don't expect to be agreed with; my co-army-men in the battle against alcoholism and mind-fuck-fuck find me too tedious to listen long to.. (if at all).. most people skim my texts.. with a loud sigh.. not again.. 

Because there's no record of any Jew ever setting foot in Egypt we can assume they were there because they are everywhere.. even now that they have their own country.. most prefer to not go there or be too orthodoxically Jewish.. or any other kind of way.. rigorously Jew.. but this is to say not "nationalistically," Israeli.  

Certainly I am as usual quite alone in thinking this is an important observation in recovery from addiction, or useful information in the business of quitting whatever enslaves a person.. and even if gender is an issue, if the enslaving element on the earth happens to be the opposing gender.. opposite, I mean.. but I'm going to document the thing anyway because documents are much more legitimate, in court, than logic, reason, or the needs or opinions, ideas, feelings, (etc.), of or relatable in any way to people.. again in a nationalistic mind.. other than soldiering in the foxhole-not-the-fox's-vagina.. our usefulness in the battle to one another.. the bonding.. 

This is if, of women and men, we can say there are no stronger bonds formed between them than those created by men and women who are fighting a common enemy, (and we are going to leave the munchhousandlaner's bond to abusers alone of course; probably the bonds with abusers who fill the stomach are even stronger).. abuse being only two letters away from use.. not too many people are going to agree what needs to be done with the enemy, once conquered.. meaning, (as stated in the famed "literature," we are people who would normally "not mix"), we gotta ask ourselves, or maybe not, why so few are finding it attractive to sit for an hour at an A.A. table anymore.. once listening becomes impossible, (if, as usual for the men at least, the women are busted or psycho, or both.. we can only speculate things are about ten notches of deeper-sphere of Hell greater.. for the women).

Now that the war is won.. 

I'm curious to know how many Jews stayed in Babylon when they were freed from slavery.. pretty sure there's a whole story about it.. and not just the ones that rose to high places in Babylon but you're ordinary bucket-toting-moron Jew.. 

And in case I sound "antisemitic," I want to point out maybe anti-zionistic but my favorite people have mostly been Jewish.. non-practicing.. if that means anything.. I'm a pretty non-practicing American.. (as religions go).. can't stand much of the music, toys, or TV..

Hey, maybe that's the problem is different taste in music and fiction.. (movies and doctrine).. but again, I've lost most of my readership by now.. even the loyal ones have had quite enough.. but again, the subject of bonding is rather crucial on the face of the earth.. (I'd hate to suggest gorilla-glue or anything).. because of recent suggestions we might have to do something about "trauma bonds," forming in our young people, leading where most inter-gender bonding does, to babies.. and even more young people.. if them with trauma bonds are not the experts in dealing with their spouses.. imagine a house full of them.. next door of course.. never our own..

Best thing to do is as we've always done, pray for another war.. another fox hole that is not a fox's vagina.. 

It is more than likely the whole notion of bonding for something other than the destruction of something we don't like, (like China), is too much pie-in-the-sky-and-not-set-on-the-table-in-front-of-us-by-a-big-fat-slave...

INTRODUCTION
^{TO THE BLOG}

WITH A HUNDRED FITS AND STARTS the thing moves along, always every day wanting some new beginning, a start-over, (go directly to go), and a release from all that went bad a day or a minute ago, a mistake, or misspoken word.. 

I wanted to proceed with the self-portrait all along without editing.. one of the things I noticed about my favorite guitarist was his natural ability to blend what might have been otherwise "mistakes," or experimental note soundings, right back into the piece of improvisation, (jam).. what could be thought of as "masterly."  It seemed damaging to me reading condensed versions of a story about overcoming some terrible thing, looking back, picking highlights, (like a situation comedy show brings everything to a good positive climax in a half hour), with all the ugliness removed.  I noticed painting is as much about covering mistakes as leaving them in.. many times a thing, a detail, just suddenly appears, much better than I could have illustrated it, (my teacher called this "happy accidents").  People may never be wholly or even in part accurately aware of how their words are affecting others, (or effecting them in the long run).. so to go back on my words, to edit profusely.. to begin again over and over and over.. 

Probably this is much like, "returning to emotional equilibrium," (if such a thing is real), this state of peace and well-wishes.. a place where the horizon in every direction is as it "should," be.. (there is no end to how things should be).. it's probably very natural when things feel good to immediately set off on some enterprise.. as this seems very much to be my habit.. to go hunting for food and treasure.. imagine a goal of some kind, a thing I want or want to happen.. 

And then my old friend calls me and wants to come along.. his name of course is ALCOHOLISM.

And he probably goes by a million other names.. I'm thinking of "Satan" immediately.. but people who know that name are usually not aware it means "adversary," and not so much "the evil one," (unless of course your adversary considers your total destruction preferable to simply asking you go do something else), it is fun to think that the actual Devil himself thought enough of me to come to me specifically with all his wiles and best thinking, and devoted so much time to my personal destruction.. and I'm thinking this is the message in the book of Job, (which is reported to be the oldest book in the "holy bible," of books), that the opposing forces of evil.. (I don't know why we should always think of things we don't like as "opposing forces of the good," but hey, I don't know everything).. to say these opposing forces think just as much of me to allow it all, to say I am "equal," to the task of "beating the adversary;" one could suppose it quite a compliment.

But to give a point to the rambling it might help to focus the "BLOG," more narrowly and not simply move where the wind might take me every day.. to keep the thing as it might relate to "ALCOHOLISM."  (I have said that the whole point of life for me is the pursuit of "self-mastery," or some sort of "enlightenment experience," as all other imagined things seem to me less appealing.. four-wheel-fun-machines, for example.. my limited experience riding on motorized wheels never produced the right affect I suppose, but to make it my life's goal to go about eliminating all four-wheel apparatus from my environment seems very stupid, (leaf-blowers too), even though the natural feeling and impulse to do so is absolutely monstrous.. I am thinking it is probably better to find a way to use the impulse for something else, (since it doesn't seem to want to vanish on its own).. 

It still seems good to me to proceed with the self portrait in the cloud un-edited...

I HAVE BEEN
^{TUESDAY 21 May 2024}

A TERRIBLE PERFECTIONIST ALL ALONG but I believe in it, believed in it, (apparently); "my father works and I work," to create a master-work.. always the driving force, it can be better, always better.. because there was no point in doing all this improvement, self-improvement, if Jesus already took care of everything; you might as well go and mow down a schoolyard full of children like so many blades of grass.  Why the direction to treat our brother as our self if all transgressions are already bought and paid for, ("past present and future")?  I was a terrible perfectionist but I believe in it.. because there is not one thing better in this life than to see one small but sure measure of self-mastery added on.. and again.

UMMMMM...
^{MONDAY 20 May 2024}

CAN PEOPLE PLEASE STOP SENDING ME copies of the DITTIODRATA thing?  It didn't work the fiftieth time I read it, or the fifty-first.. second.. well.. maybe one more time?  I'd have to be an idiot.

And where should the other side of all that peace and love quietude be pointed or manifested or inflicted?  Not on me please.

ALCOHOLISM BOO
^{SUNDAY 19 May 2024}

AND THERE ISN'T A LOT MORE TO SAY about that.  The real point of the morning was to say to the clouds that anger truly is deadly, or can be, to the "alcoholic," and what makes the thing so dangerous is how crucial to survival anger really is.

AND THEN THERE IS THIS NEED THING
^{SUNDAY 12 May 2024}

TO BE LOVED, to be at least not run out of town.. the problem would be escaping the more "primal," (brain-glob at the base of the skull), desire to survive.. I mean, if in fact, in these "primitive cultures," everybody in town had to parade by and "touch the newborn's head," every time one got introduced into the mix.. you know the way elephants will all "welcome," the new arrival.. if we could just pin-point what happens to us exactly.. (we're going to leave the whole "necessity of war," thing out of the picture for a minute).. all this craziness of getting up on stage and being applauded by everyone in the room.. except for that pesky heckler who is having a bad day.. "bouncer, can we get this guy gone?"  

The need to escape the pitchfork brigade anyway.. the Hunchback probably should not have sought refuge in a church, or wherever he ran too, inside.. he should have "gone west," young man.. possibly created his own little hunchback cult.. 

AH TO HELL WITH IT
^{THURSDAY 9 May 2024}

I HAVE GOT A BUNCH OF PLASTIC to be rid of.. (for better or worse).. you know you get tired of "protecting the planet," one day, so tired of living under the threat of nuclear annihilation.. so fucking tired of people talking.. 

There is no point in arguing over what should be "celebrated."  It seems rather that everybody has an inbred hatred of "celebrity," (coupled with the need of being celebrated at least once a year.. or rather the day is celebrated.. something.. another reason to get toasted.. you know maybe attention or whatever the opposite of "excommunication," is.. or "ridding the community of the evil that is you").. everybody hates somebody else's excess popularity.. it's unwarranted and devastating to the Art Market.. the reduction of everything good to the eighth grade, and dropping.. (not to mention the devastation to the heart of the artist who gets over-celebrated).. and one day you ask yourself, (maybe and maybe it's just me), "what causes these chills?"  Because it seems to me I really didn't like this particular song when I first heard it.  There were plenty others that grabbed me right away.. made the old pointless nipples stand up and look around.. turned my skin to "gooseflesh," (to use a fucking Bill Wilson word out of context, except for the fact he was using it to describe one or another aspect of "worship," quite the opposite of what I'm getting at; Bill added the "mental," and called it "mental gooseflesh," when speaking about our discovery we were "worshippers all along").. -fuck Bill Wilson.. what is it about music that captivates us, and takes over, and puts us in a different place.. some make us dance and others make us cry.. and it's got to be something as mundane and everyday as fucking just plain hearing it a lot.. all our life.. from way back.. It's the muchenhowsimania thing.. you take to your "abusers," because you got no fucking choice.. 

Later you got a choice but you're most likely too warped, too inhabited, too nipple-hardened, and way way way too tired...

ANOTHER SCARY THOUGHT
^{MAYDAY 1 May 2024}

YOU KNOW IF SCIENCE CAN engineer an orange to eat its own seeds you have to imagine what it can do with your kid.

OH... I'm the fucking bad guy am I?  I'm just saying if someone like me is thinking this you have to figure somebody else is.

TO BOYS
^{TUESDAY 30 April 2024}

FOR HOW AM I TO SPEAK to girls and women?  It is a woman's destiny to be a mother, to be a good mother or a bad mother, and not wishing to enter the whole "gender-arena," right now, the world can only ask, "what is the destiny of a cat or a mouse?"  Especially now that science is challenging the world's understanding of "free will," it is difficult to make a plan, more difficult than before, ever more, as if the depression and every other "ion," of man is somehow increasing; we can hope in a real way to return to sticks and stones, to eliminate the industrialization of us, to free the food production, the land occupation, the heart of the boy.. for what is a man but his "all," or "nothing?"

WHAT CAN A WOMAN DO with the deepest knowledge of you?  What will she do with the hardest intimate knowledge of a man?  As the world digs ever onward for treasure and booty.. digging and digging ever deep and deeper still.. what is a woman to make of her life?  Maybe the cat really missed its calling and the mouse followed the wrong urine trail.. are we to tell a woman of this ultimate failure of all womanhood.. the non-mother.. the sewing on of a cock where the vagina once was.. the baboons bark and bark and one day should build empire state buildings to jump off.. if such is their destiny.. we have to ask why Jesus said, "run for the hills on that awful day of the lord."

GET A GOOD UNDERSTANDING MY SON was Solomon's advice.. but which son?  For when you are finally alone looking out at the wilderness of the long goodnight my friend you will need something substantial inside.. the grave is never satisfied and sits open mouth down the road.. understanding takes some into despair and others into glory.. which will it be for you?  These men who have access to the vaults, the papers, the "truth," and lock them away.. they fill your head with another movie.. they understand the power of fiction.. and use it.. but for you there is something better than to make a provision for your dead beat son.. letting the good seed fall into a ditch of human sewage.. some, some and some.

Learn of the natural imperium and know nothing good trickles down off the top.. the whole heart of a boy is the most beautiful thing in the world.. and what after.. as if it matters.  In the here and now, every day, you have your whole heart or you have nothing.  And to the poor girl we can say, "what will you do with the complete knowledge of a man?"  It is good and right, (a man can suppose), to dig and dig and dig.. to find the utter best.. in a land of ever increasing dilapidation.. ever lowering.. decrease.. and the feminization of a man.. and the no way of knowing the real masculinity if he doesn't want to be that.. don't want to be that.. don't want to be that.. don't want to be that..

Well.. we can conclude the army is no place to go with your natural imperium.. to the rank and file.. ever the superior and inferior.. ever the authority.. climbing climbing climbing until you become that last guy who has on one above him.. it is then you will wish for idolatry again.. you will wish for a thing you can become.. a model of you.. something to define you against.. you will have to look to the stars then as there will be nothing else above you.. and all these swarming munching stinky creatures below.. how ugly a world that will be.. you won't need any devil to tempt you to jump off the cliff; you will do it gladly and whole-heartedly.. for once.. and for never again.

AND WHAT IS MY ADVICE TO BE when my understanding is muddled and desperate.. Do not appoint yourself a king?  Do not attempt to be a nation?  For a king is weary and a nation at war.. ever more.. every more.. always increasing.. well, at least until the volcano pours out its lava and ash onto your head and the tsunami washes you away.. pray to the good father inside of you.. look to him.. is there no good father there?  Run for the hills.  No good mother?  Hop on your motorcycle and run.  This appointing of heroes.. well, what can we say about that?  This great group activity.. what can we say about that?  A tree can only produce a seed after its own kind.. sorry to say.

But do you really prefer lies?  Is there some benefit to being the accomplished liar?  A boy's heart is his perfect truth.  He can trust nothing more than his own experience.. his own eyes and ears.. consequence.. and what if he cannot?  Well, then there's heroin.  Only when the sticks and stones come back can we hope to get a decent hamburger again.. maybe not as fast but there won't be as much to do.  You won't have to worry about pensions and income tax.. and that pesky deterioration.. the termite.. it is the mighty lightning flash.. so great it blows out an entire city and more than one.. lighting up the sky as far as the east is from the west.. and then the long goodnight my friend.

TO LOVE AND TO BE IN LOVE
^{SUNDAY 28 April 2024}

EVERYBODY HAS HEARD BUT NO ONE HEARS "I love you but I am not in love with you," at least once.. or will very soon.

Being in love is preferred, (until somebody steals your shoes), like with a favorite pair of shoes so special that the idea of parting with them brings out the very worst nature.. the worst "grief," and rage.. or a fucking hamburger and bag of fries you can't fucking say "no," to, even though it's pure poison.. 

Probably the next step down from being so "in love," is having someone that in love with you.. it's good for a minute..

Scraping the bottom of that barrel we have genuinely loving someone because it sucks having to do what's best for them..

The difficulty is compensated though when you genuinely enjoy seeing someone else do well, even better than you.. when you really long for their wellbeing.  It's a slow progression from birth to death.. but it's the only reward worth hoping for.. 

The problem is you can't to both at the same time, love and be in love, and have to choose between the two.. most can't.. it takes a real maturity to do so and nobody's growing up around here.. we got half a nation in love with Donald Trump.. (the great "american idol"), but if anybody really loved him they'd tell him to shut the fuck up and try to go out with a little dignity.

OUTLINES FOR SERMONS
^{SATURDAY 27 April 2024}

HOLY MOTHER FUCK THE MINUTE you bring "idolatry," into the discussion the minds of the kids all melt and freeze at the same time.. so just begin things by mentioning "American Idol," and they won't kick you out of the game.. yet.. (at least for a few minutes).  We could say it's a good thing "God," saw "Lucifer's," mistake and didn't put the cab ash on his shit.. he just let him alone to go and continue to do his thing.. but to give the kids a basic understanding of how seductive and destructive idolatry really is.. well.. that's like saying being on TV doesn't matter.. they will respond with, "you're so stupid," and then be torn because the only way to stay on TV is to be smarter better faster than the poor ugly stupid people of the world.

The "outlines for sermons," page will not be popular.. anymore than any, "sit-there-and-listen-to-me-point-out-all-your-imperfections," would be.. maybe the popular theme would be, "people with no problems go out and create them," as we see happening in Washington D.C.. I mean, here we have people whose lives are pretty well "set," (on the necks of the people but that's besides the point), it's basically their job to "solve other people's problems," in fact.. which is curious.. mainly because people with sense won't want them to and people with no sense will.. the business becomes removing all sense from the population.  This might qualify as an actual problem for the politician if enough sense hadn't already been removed.

It's a real problem in society not to realize the people who love me are fucking morons.  I gotta go on TV and "out," them if I'm going to stand the chance of making a decent living around here.  Then there's their real perversions which, well, nobody can figure out if people are supposed to love or hate perversions.. then there's all this pretending to like something you don't.. there's the embarrassment and inner conflict of the whole, "it's-okay-for-me-but-not-you," game.. my perversions don't really hurt anyone.. but the biggest horror is that day a person wakes up and realizes he really is them.. the beauty of course in all of it is he finally has a real problem to solve.. and life is so much better when you do something that can't hurt anybody.

VERY SIMPLY WHY
^{WEDNESDAY 24 April 2024}

TO ANSWER THE QUESTION WHY AM I seems much more important than asking why are you, why is he, or why is she.  

I think a man has to take authority over his self at some point, accept authority, (some call this "responsibility"), in an answer to all this suggestion we all become the "authors," of our own lives, that we "reinvent," our selves, create a life for ourselves, become someone.. etc. etc.. (only to then wake up the same guy tomorrow).  

The question "why," can only ever be answered with a fiction, and the great irony is that all life is a model of a fiction in the mind.. except for when you get hit by a car.

Well.. in separating the subjective "why," from the objective one then, the irony is that of the two, only the subjective one can be answered honestly.. the objective why is all about theories of "atoms," and things we can't really be sure of.. but when asking someone why they did something it is quite possible there is only ever one answer, "because I wanted to do that," aside from the demand on people that they do an enormous amount of things they don't want to do.. but to seek the why of the invisible forces, the atoms and such, well.. 

Life in the "MAFIA," circus.. vs. life in EVERNEVEREVERLAND.. to live on the earth or to live in the clouds.. this seems to be an important decision, just as if anyone really has a choice in the matter; it seems rather that the body does as it wants and then the mind has to clean up the mess.

I'm just playing around a little here.  My decision to take command of my own body began just about ten or twelve years ago and felt like a complete fraud.  Why this is has no real concrete explanation.  I could make one up.. I could go about describing what I think the why of the whole thing was.. but I think for the purposes I have designated for myself it is better to simply mark the "progress," or the changes, (for good or ill), of the thing.. I think I never wanted to be faced with decisions that would have any effect on someone else.. rather the confusion that sort of thing produced.. and there were plenty of times that having a real effect on someone was the only thing I wanted.  

This whole "career-as-an-influencer," is rather a fascinating development on the planet even though it goes back to the whole idea of the "beginning-of-man;" it would be very easy to conclude nothing changes.. seeds produce the various organisms after their own kind.. on and on and on until somebody presses the wrong button.. and then, well, other sorts of seeds begin to produce various organisms after their own kind.. some mingling of "DNA," happens in the blob that's been splattered on a wall somewhere and slowly gets swallowed back up into the earth.. but this is not such a dismal picture of life; it is a great comfort to the pain of living under that threat all these years.

Probably the whole thing boils down to what any man decides he is going to use the bible for.. if it is not the circumstances of his life that ultimately decide the motive he comes up with.. it is easy to see how more or less anything on the earth can be used for good or ill, probably fire is the best example.. then there is the business of deciding "whose," good or ill.. then pretty soon the stomach starts calling out for a snack.  I think we should appoint a National Grandfather to give us a bedtime story over the airwaves every night.. subject to time zones of course.. we need a National Mom, (to remind us Grampa is crazy), a National Dad of some substance greater than Homer Simpson's, this whole idea of a "first-family;" oh, well, time to go do something else.

ALCOHOLISM ONE OH ONE
^{TUESDAY 23 April 2024}

IT HAS BEEN SAID AGAPE LOVE IS IMPOSSIBLE for a man to experience and this is nonsense, or a myth designed to make him quit hoping for it, trying for it, or engaging in it.. it might be the antithesis of itself.. it might be another man's attempt to express his own despair.. it might be any one of a number of things we cannot see, the "ghosts," that live and reign in our minds.. the influences.. the rivers to cross.. the floods and hurricanes.. but more than anything it is probably the personal failures and frustrations we all experience by ourselves, completely alone, devastated and frightened and defeated.. seeing no solution.. and too tired to lift our heads another minute.. but even that passes.

There is one thing that I wish to accomplish or "see manifested," in my lifetime and that is this same "agape love."

For my alcoholic friends I'd quote Bill Wilson's summation of the problem as he described, the total "inability to form a true partnership with another human being," but this only begins to define the situation around here, (at least, or predominantly in the U.S.A.), if Bill was talking about "intimacy issues," or any number of blocks to genuine friendship.. all that I myself can say about it at all is my own expression, meaning there is need of a "FORUM," and an exchange of expressions so much greater than is commonly experienced or believed possible; for myself I believe agape love is available to me in my lifetime, to experience and express both.. outside in and inside out.

Because the "BLOG," portion of the website is mine alone, my personal expression, I'd like to say that it is not created with any hopes or designs toward attracting a "following," but I would invite anyone who sees this to join the "FORUM," page and express anything he or she wants to express.  I am not in any way suggesting I have anyone else's "solution," to anything, to any problem, but would state it is my position that there is not a problem in the world that does not contain the solution within it.  I expect it is the "alcoholic," reader who will gain the most, or "relate," (possibly), the most to the problems I have faced and the solutions I have found in them; I'd say every one of us who has ever attended any number of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings will have heard it said, "we are never recovered," but rather hope for a "daily reprieve," from uncontrollable drinking.. we have it put in our minds that we should never say we are recovered or "cured," but I'd like to suggest taking a look at the other definitions of the word "cure," and applying those to the question; I would suggest that once "cured," epoxy cement can never go back to what it once was, and this is how I feel very deep in my being about myself as an "acoholic."

^{THE BLURRY FACE OF YIN-AND-YANG-SUN
ink and oil paint on canvasboard}

THE GREATEST OF ALL GOOD
^{SATURDAY 20 April 2024}

IT IS AN INTERESTING CONCEPT THIS idea that "God," can only be defined by what it is not, and if I could remove the whole "male-and-female," understanding of the YIN-AND-YANG-SUN, or rather the attributions of the male and the female, if the thing can be less personal, less "small," less subjectively used, I might gain comfort in the idea, "GOD IS NOT," or at least a freedom from the conditioned in belief that "GOD IS," (and is, and is, and is... -ad infinitum); to the living creature, "nothingness," becomes a thing when it is not.

This is crucial to dealing with the knowledge that every one of us will die someday, (or at least I have found it to be).

Will another movie help us?  Another "stork-story," to "get us over the rough spots?"  What strikes me about "The Greatest Story Ever Told," is yeah.. people believe any horseshit imaginable.  The real tragedy in the thing is the fact that Jesus, the main character, is completely lost or made useless to the individual; Jesus serves the church, yes, that fact is blatted out right in our faces plainly, but does he, in the form of a story, really serve the soul?

The actual "teachings," (the advice), Jesus doled out to anyone who would listen were pretty out there, pretty hard to do, and anybody that really tries to follow Jesus, I'd say, is going to find it to be a rather unpleasant experience.  The story of the "sacrificial lamb of God," on the other hand is really beyond fascinating, really very beautiful, inspiring, comforting, and everything "good," under the sun.

Well, this is a long introduction to say that I think the main thing Jesus was trying to give people was "self-command."

***

I WAS CURIOUS TO KNOW TODAY exactly who the "son," was that Solomon wrote so much, if not all, of his stuff to; this is a most interesting question to me personally as the man was known for his "wisdom," (of which he is believed to be unequaled), and his excesses as a man as that would concern the material world to which he belonged; it is a good study in that one could think "wisdom," would not lead to the sorts of history that came out of that whole period of time; it is interesting that Solomon was the son of David, the shepherd boy risen to the greatest king of Israel who also is known for breaking every vow, or at least, as might relate to us smaller versions of man, his "marriage," one.

Certainly we are less restricted now in the whole "what does a marriage vow mean," thing; we are pretty much on our own.

Personally, I think the only thing the budding cult leader needs is a really good bedtime story to sell, (every cult has one).

THE WORST OF EVILS
^{FRIDAY 19 April 2024}

I WAS THINKING POSSIBLY AND POSSIBLY NOT that fathers and sons are only put on the earth to prove no matter where you are going some jackass is going too; the hardest part is facing the fact it was your son.

It's just a funny way of saying, "Jesus was right," (above and beyond anyone else), and we could go into the "why," of the thing but first it is important to get a good grasp of why nobody really wants to hear it.

Rounding out the idea, I am left with the impression "hypocrisy," is the absolute worst of all evils imaginable, like Jesus said. Hypocrisy is "inequality," at it's heart and soul.. it's why black does not wish to be white.

IMPERIUM: THE ABSOLUTE FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS KIDS
^{THURSDAY 18 April 2024}

I AM GOING TO GO DO A SEARCH of imperium on YouTube and see what the general group of creators has to say... AND... as expected it was a rather fruitless search; other than the film shot a few years ago, "imperium," is not a hot topic around here.  Not to be undone, I proceed onward to definitions in the farther and further reaches of the cloud... 

^{GOOGLE SCREENSHOT}

NOT ENTIRELY SATISFIED WITH VERY MUCH of anything "Google," has to say.. I proceed therefore on to the pages of a very good book I found in an antique store some time ago.. in settling questions and the biggest of all questions, "does God exist," I've found it to be a fact that the place to look for answers to everything is in the dictionary because everything in the dictionary exists in one for or another.. 

^{COVER SCAN}

IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND the year in which any particular "definition," of any particular "word," is at work in the mind.. it is important to understand the "editions," and the evolving nature of words.. this at least makes slang the bastardization of a particular language somewhat bearable.

HENCE:

^{FOUND ON PAGE 865}

TO "COMMAND" IS, YOU WOULD THINK, WHERE IT'S AT.. but to command what exactly, or WITH what.. and worse than those questions is the one concerning where the power to command comes from in the first place?  

MINDFUL MINDFUL MINDFUL
^{WEDNESDAY 17 Aoril 2024}

AND THEN THERE IS THE MINDFULL.. for if and when we really figure out where all this came from or is going, hoo boy.

THE POWER OF THE WI WHO WE WOO WE DO
^{TUESDAY 16 April 2024}

CRUCIAL TO "UNDERSTANDING," KIDS, might be the ability to acknowledge the power of the group in the whole thing.

^{MONDAY 15 April 2024}

SETTING THE LIFE GOAL IS A THING that seemed for so long completely out of reach or overwhelming to me personally and it is quite impossible to describe the various stabs I have taken at such a thing or the multiple re-adjustments of the goal I have been forced to make along the way, but I am pretty certain to continue in this mountain of a thing to get over or to perfect or to clean up or to throw away completely and to start over again fresh.  It is a haunting sort of thing and is showing no signs of going away.

Creating a "life goal," had been suggested to me as a thing I absolutely must do many times over the years but always turned into a fright, or a confusing swirl of nonsense, and really, now, to say "it has happened," is rather a strange sensation, and being so hard-pressed to genuinely, whole-heartedly trust very much of anything in this existence.. well.. I am just going to join the greater outer thing about me here now and say, "it is what it is," because it is pretty difficult to be wrong saying things are what they are.  People might consider this a somewhat "lazy," thing to do when confronted with the problem of figuring out what things really are, like "illness," or "happiness," or more specifically maybe someone else's assertions concerning these things.. there is no end to people telling people what things are and most probably never can be.. so.. setting a goal is probably important if it bothers a person because he or she cannot.. in the sense it is what it is.. bothering him or her.. that he or she can't set a life goal.

In the end nobody is going to bring a whole lot of backlash on his or her self by proclaiming things are what they are but a lot of times it is the tone of a statement that provides a person with the intended transmission of meaning.  I, for example, pretty much whenever I hear "it is what it is," said in a conversation someone is having with me I take it to mean "fuck you," and it's just a feeling and I could be wrong, so the only really important thing in any situation is know what my feelings are saying to me.. it might not be a great life goal in anybody else's estimation but that's the beauty of the thing.. and not only for me but for them as well.. they don't have to say or do anything about it.  It simply is what it is, so go fuck yourself.. (I don't really mean that of course).