KLANGORSKRAWLER

THE DIARY OF AN OLD WOMAN

_{edit in progress}

WE WOULD LIKE TO CREDIT SOME PEOPLE who have more or less facilitated this piece of work, (what amounts, at this point, to the beginnings of a "life's work," -give or take, in as much as that is what we have in mind), and this might suit as an "introduction," to the thing; we feel a deep "obligation, " but as yet, we don't know if this sense of "debt," should hinder or help the piece; as with most things in life, we've come to accept it can, (and will), go either way, and sometimes move in both directions simultaneously, or ride the pendulum, cycle, spiral... etc. etc. to its own "justifications;" we've often thought of literature as the greatest curse and blessing of all mankind, (never-ever-after), as this fits perfectly well withing the boundaries of the rest of our observations concerning the much studied "duality," of the situation.. ("nature"), -all "life and death," being the most obvious example.  Literature, in the end, (much like "God," and the "Devil"), balances herself pretty good, (we would guess), comedy and tragedy, and we should perhaps seek to split the pages of this work, likewise, in two.  
Unfortunately, we seldom do what we should.

We should like to thank the taxpayers, (we're certain we've said this before), and hope to "make it up," to them.

In the meantime, we consider the third option that the thing can go.. (if that's not "stay-right-here").. in terms of the "Holy Trinity," the unholy trinities all over the place.. the spectrums of all invisible things that can go either way.. our best treasure is something along the lines of the old Greek idea of a "Golden Mean," in the fight.. worth studying out anyway.. if one can find the time.  

And yes, we expect to embarrass our self greatly, so.. we might as well get to it.

WHAT BEGAN AS A LOVE LETTER (AND SUICIDE NOTE) TO THE WORLD

_{OPEN JOURNAL
figuring, anyone daring to publish an open and unabridged, unedited journal, might as well be writing a suicide note}

19 November 2023

IF THE BEST WE CAN DO IS TO SPECULATE that, for instance, "religion," is mainly an early-mans' best shot at "science," (and speculation), maybe the rational mind won't have to wreck its self.  We might send the reader over to the newly crafted, (or begun to be crafted), JESUS page, as there we hope to somewhat "conclude," the "kings' journey," thing, or at least are most excited about the prospects of doing so, and wish to wrap the whole thing up, or move on to a different phase of the thing.  The connections happening in the mind seem to be at their peak.  We are thinking that YouTube, for all it's "faults," has a real potential to "save," our generation from the "network," television "beast," (with a capital "B"), that so shaped our expectations and disappointments; we are seeing the "gift," of social media as a real "savior," (with a capital "S"), to the small man.

7 October 2023

WE HAVE TO BLIEVE ALL PEOPLE love the truth without going mad, or being mad about it, this insistence we believe in things that are wholly unbelievable, after any and all related evidence is taken into consideration.  Well, we believe it naturally, and actually in spite of the evidence that's a stupid thing to do, because all the evidence hasn't been heard or taken into proper consideration; the "lawyers," involved are off on a wild goose chase most of the time, and they're doing it for money.  We think what's lacking in the whole love of truth thing is courage, and we'll die by that.  The real issue, we think, that needs to be gotten to the bottom of, is this business of believing a lie.  I mean, how can a thing get any simpler than that?

It's when a man gets to the point in his reasoning where somebody has to die... when this is his best solution to a present crisis... (or actually afterwards)... when all the lazy people sit up, put their phones down, and take notice.  Murder gets attention.  And maybe the reader would have to have been led along once or twice down a path of his own faulty reasoning and decision making abilities to get to a place of "just-before-murder," (maybe he gets stopped by some outside ingredient to the story), when he has had to sit down and think, "holy mother fucker; I think I really need to go talk to somebody else."  Unfortunately, we're dealing with the same set of reasoning and decision-making skills, that sends the kid to his best friend who is at least as fucked up as he is... but he wants the truth... he wants to know what's going on... he really does... but more than likely the friend, who is not in crisis, who is not seeing anything close to murder on the horizon, does not, or, maybe his reasoning skill agrees with the proposition that murder is a pretty good solution... our hero might ask somebody else, a stranger, a priest, an uncle... but these fledgling "neuro-pathways," evaporate quickly, as soon as his chest stops heaving.  We purposely neglected to mention his parents as a source of truth, and we hope the reader picks up on that.

Oh, suicide is murder; we almost forgot to get that in there someplace; we don't quite know what to do with all these folks who have rationalized committing murder on their self, and attempted it... we hardly think anybody really really cares that much because the aftermath doesn't have any real huge threatening aspect to it, to the power grid.  If suicide threatened a vote count, for example, in any substantial way, we'd be putting these guys in jail for trying to kill themselves.  The healthcare costs only really ever benefit the insurance-market people.  Nobody of substance really suffers too much.

I know when I got cut down and came back to consciousness after just such an attempted murder, I had a strong sense of being the victim and perpetrator of murder... now, the reader might think this is just some clever play on words, and that's his business... we're not certain exactly what the "feeling," was.. once the drugs cleared out of the system, the voices went away, we decided not to pump any more drugs in there, then went insane again, came back, went insane... and we're talking about, (let's see.. 79,89,99,09,19)... 44 years?  That number makes us think of the phrase, "lost in the desert," for real.  Taking drugs, not taking drugs, laying in bed marathon-fucking here and there, finding "love," that turns into "hate," fairly quickly.. stumbling along.. talking to this or that expert.. reading reading reading.. video video video... rehab rehab rehab.. and somewhere along the line we did put words to that feeling.. and we also discovered what a "feeling," really is.. different from pain, but purely physical in nature.. a feeling as a "belief."  A strong premonition... you just know.

And again we sincerely thank the taxpayers who have suffered having their money taken from them and given to me.. to pay for my rehabilitation.. didn't go quite along the 28-day-plan we all had hoped... always there was someone there to say, "maybe this time."  And I should probably thank those people.. the ones who kept saying, "maybe this time it will work," and it's ironic, because this is the same exact formula for self-destruction, at least where "alcoholism," is concerned.. "maybe this time we won't get too drunk."  So, it's about what?  It's about listening to other people, listening to our gut... mish-mashing... what?  What is it exactly?  What exactly is it that works? 

Hate to answer that question with an old phrase, ("hitting bottom"), but I'm afraid that's about all we can do.  People need to be allowed to "hit bottom," and that's a hard thing to allow to happen to somebody you need.. for whatever reason.. we purposely avoid the word "love," here, because, let's face it, that whole concept is so fucked over in this society, it's safer to say we need people, (some way more than others), and be alright with that.  Certainly the implications are cold and hard, and not real popular, (there, cowboy), but it's a hell of a lot closer to the good than the whole goddamned collection of religious myth has brought to the world... unless we're talking about "wisdom," of course, separated from fact or even truthful reporting.. I mean, if we can't agree that a man can't get up and walk out of his grave, hang out, talk to people, eat some fish, and then fly up into the sky... waving, "I'll be back soon," and not show up for 2,000 years and counting... we ain't getting anywhere.  People believed Jesus was coming back in their lifetime... and he didn't... now, where did this belief come from?  Has anyone even asked that question?  Or did it do them good?  Was it a sound life plan?  Is it a good "truth," to be spreading around now?  And this is just the main example of that "doubt," that persists... and it's not the doubt that there is a "God," and all that goes with that, it's the doubt of my own ability to reason and hear the truth.

This is not to say the bible is void of real value.. this is to say the same book is capable of inspiring some really insane shit.. (behaviors), we can add, "perpetrated.. onto the innocent."  (suicide comes to mind).

28 September 2023

BEING BORN TO FUCK AROUND IS A SERIOUS THING; it's led to seven mental health diagnoses.. but causing even more confusion is not our intention at all.  If people out there can't tell when we are fucking around, or worse, we don't know either, it might be better to avoid speaking at all, and we should probably pursue a normal, secret, diary, like a normal girl.  

The problem is, of course, we are only an "old woman," in the most precise, and precious, Dostoyevsky sense.. like the old man who is continually writing and passing around notes and letters, (of passion), in THE IDIOT.. or THE DEMONS.. (we can't remember which but it seems to us there's an old-woman-man in all of his books, serving as the overseer, or conscience).. we imagine it was the ghost Fyodor hated the most.  We'd like to be clear and consistent and precise but that's impossible; it's the "mother," in me.

We should also say something about the children-of-divorce here in the world but that really boils down to the children-of-marriage; we are of the opinion that single-parent mothers should be not only nurtured and protected, but housed and provided every necessity, and yes, at "public expense;" maybe then, after about a billion years, things would begin to straighten out around here.  It's because we have a special heart for all children of divorce; they carry on fighting an inner war all their lives that hasn't really even been identified yet by our mental health experts.. we did an internet search of "the effects on children of parents who stay together for the sake of the children, (or purely economic reasons.. a.k.a. the slave and master thing), in spite of hating each other's guts," and got, "should parents fight in front of their children."  This was just a YouTube search of course.

But we maintain, YouTube has, or had actually, the potential to be the "Savior," of the small man.. and we still believe it.  It's the reason we'd like to open an independent forum here given to people who really want to see the whole "one-world-family," idea take hold; meaning, we don't just bomb the fuck out of crazy old Uncle Abdul.. or starve his whole bloodline out of existence with sanctions.. we don't backbite and turn the whole whacko Turner side of the family, (your mother's relatives), against him.. I mean, we might have to accept the fact that racketeers run the world, (control the money and resources), they always have and always will.. but that becoming one of them with the very best of intentions to change things isn't going to change things.. meaning U.S. "democracy," as an experiment in government, has more or less crapped all over the lab.. and it isn't the boys in the white coats who will be mopping up the shit.  

We just wanted to encourage the children of marriage this morning and can't keep a thought.

27 September 2023 (possible "pin" to the top of page)

AS THE KLANGORSKRAWLER IS the good page.. given to good health and wellbeing.. good humor.. (and all the like).. and we remember occasionally that our main issue in this lifetime, from here on out, is remaining "drug-free," even as that might include all mood altering events, people, behaviors, etc. and even if we have to wonder, well, what the hell would we want to live for beyond a mood changing experience? -the answer to that question, of course, is that we more or less continually feel like shit, and furthermore, when we feel good for no reason, we quickly wreck it.  We've done an enormous amount of study around this.. um.. is there a word for this.. this.. "condition?"  Yes, (it turns out), there are several, more or less overlapping words for it, currently being used by what we like to call the "Mental Health and Pharmaceutical and Medical and Health Care Insurance Industrial Congressional Complex," (MHPMHCIICC); the words for the condition are smattered about the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5).. 

Or.. one might "act now," and get the DSM-5 IN ACTION!  (we saw this while searching for the exact title of the book)

We have to say honestly the DSM-5 (947 pages), the DSM-4, (915 pages), the DSM-3, (494 pages), the DSM-2, (134 pages), and the DSM-1, (32 pages).. rank quite a few notches below our least favorite books, in spite of their popularity and the popularity of their spin-off publications; we feel that much of what is contained in the nearly 1,000 pages, (nearly 300 mental disorders), in the newest edition, could probably be described better as "growing pains."  Certainly, we are not unbiased in our opinion.  Luckily, as this condition might deter us from proclaiming our beliefs openly, (the unpopularity and yet stubborn refusal to vanish from society of any form of prejudice), our particular disorder allows us to disregard the opinion of everybody else.  It begs the question, is being prejudiced against prejudice... well... it's an old joke.

Sticking to the topic of "lunacy," (in the U.S.A.), we can say we did some digging on the topic and found that at the time of the Jamestown, whatever-it-was, ("colony?"), incidence of lunacy was limited to about .01% of the population.  Now, our math could be completely wrong.  It would be rather impossible to recall exactly where we found the numbers... but that isn't necessary... we only need to imagine what things might have looked like in Jamestown, (the first "Jamestown," in the Americas), if a full quarter of the population was out of its mind.  Would they have survived the first winter?  Would the Natives been as friendly, or likely to approach, and give pumpkins to, these strange white people, if every forth person was mad?  We want to know why "colon," is biggest part of "colony."  It's as if we've never written the word before tonight.

Yes, we should confess, "institutionalization," has allowed us the time to study a lot.  We would not suggest institutionalization to anyone as a means of acquiring a free education.  There's no papers or certificates at the end but you can remain a student your whole life.  It's always suggested, before setting out on any journey, that we weigh the pros and cons.  I mean, we hear all the time how people wish they were back in school, for whatever reason, even if most of us don't know what the fuck we are doing there, (what "major" to take), it's a safe place to be anxious about it.  You're probably either well out of adolescence, or else the end is in sight.. (we could put a question mark there).. and pretty much, regardless of just about anything and everything, you're young, and even if you're old, (well, old people will know the thrill of going back to school).. you're probably learning something you didn't know a little while ago.. you know.. how can you really feel bad in school?

Unless you were traumatized by school.  Maybe the classroom, being in the classroom again, makes you want some drugs.  

Still there is options.  But this, these scenarios and speculations, are not in any way part of the scope of this essay.  We are concerned with the mental health "narrative," and more so the issue of "survival," as it relates not only to the individual but to the industry, and more so even further, to the "corporation," (as an aside, we will mention that corporations enjoy all the privileges of the individual citizen without actually having to be one); we are concerned with "protecting one's own," as that relates to survival, and more or less spills out, trickles down, filters up, moves sideways.. and jumps around both in joy and in rage.. every day.. outside.

We just want the reader to think about those words, (protecting the supply, the stockpile, and one's own), we could extend the meditation to include "property rights," and "Eminent Domain," (note the capital letters)... we can talk about "lobbying," in Washington, D.C... but we know the reader is not afforded the time to do any of that and still experience a sense of peace secure enough to take him through the long night ahead.. we know we have no "credentials," that might force people to listen to us in chairs.. and yet there is, far beyond all disorders of the brain, some real impetus to do something good for somebody.. and we can't quite explain that.  And so, we write.  We present our observations and opinions on things, hopefully in a way that inspires out readers to do something.. the particulars of which we are not altogether interested in precisely.. so long as it is somewhat "outside," the current narrative concerning the treatment of mental disorders.  Why?  

Because the record of success in the MHPMHCIICC, in successfully treating mental disorders, is dismal, but they have the right to the free speech of any individual, meaning they can present the public with a set of alternative facts at will, which, to you and me means they have the right to lie with impunity, just like you and me, unless, of course, we are in court...

Our own goal of course is to prove that probably 99% of the "mental disorders," listed in their books are no worse than growing pains, and the cure for most of them is natural maturity, (if anybody still wants to grow old... or ever did).  

1 September 2023

WE CAN LEARN A LOT MESSING AROUND with the "format," in the sense that what appears first is actually last... 

Toward the intimacy crisis... if this amounts to the discrepancies, or variance, between the "public," and the "private," self... 

Everything returns to the "addictions," thing with us... the contribution we might make, the "glory," we might experience in life, the agony inherent in any good work... we can't pretend that by some "miracle," our "addictions," won't muddy the water.  If any progress has been made on that front, (if the war on addictions is a war)... it's heartbreaking, personally... if perhaps at the bottom of all is some desire to be accepted by the whole world... or even as Bill Wilson felt, erroneously, that his little scheme could change the whole world... (including the non-addicted)... the way all Christians believe the whole world needs Christianity... 

31 August 2023

WE THINK THROUGHOUT THE AGES that all "throughout-the-ages," sorts of problems have been, (since they have no immediate "solution"), schluffed off or dismissed, ignored and left to rot, or, in essence, been surely and successfully solved, (for all time), through un-solving... (we give them the big shrug). This is point number one of the KLANGORSKRAWLER.

Point number two is the declaration that we are determined or must be determined to face what we consider an ever-global "crisis-of-intimacy," immediately, or perpetually, while at the same time encouraging others to do the same, or to join us in what amounts really to a separation from each other, (on a global scale)... while at the same time making it fun and attractive; we think the irony at least needs to be appreciated, if so far, all the talk and efforts to "join," such and such of each other, to "unify," and to do all this and that in agreement, have produced such a dismal atmosphere around here... literally now.

So we wanted to get those thoughts down before heading out into our real day... we are very serious about this.

26 August 2023

AMERICA, (BABY), YORDA GREATEST... AND this we'd say to put an end to some other slogans; of which, "make America great again," perhaps tops the list, since that's the one that inspired this piece, pointing out the blatant inaccuracy inherent in that slogan, and we hasten to point out that we use the name "America," (meaning the United States of America), out of lazy habit, but we don't seek to push the thing so far as to say "America," technically, does not exist... (there are the two "Americas," and then there are the un-finite "Americans," living here, but no actual "America," on any map); and we don't want to come off immediately as "smarter than thou," but, any self-study at all around here will quickly point out that, if we want anything everyday, (throughout the course of our personal existence), yes we do wish to be smarter than all of you.

This only fits into nature, and survival, self-esteem... you can pretty much name it... our personal purpose in this piece is to break that awful habit just mentioned, the reader is welcome to work out any and all the problems with that... with, (or without), his self.  

Leaving that alone for a minute... we shoot back to the idea, or pretty blatant fact, that the United States of America is great and never greater than she is today, or throughout the day, right now, and this makes her ever greater, and perpetually the greatest, already; her choice, unfortunately, is not between being greater or less than all time, but rather, as personally as our own choice, she can choose to be the either greatest hero, or greatest heel, of all time, (which is right now).

But first we'd have to come to some semblance of an agreement as to whether or not "right now," is, or is not, the only "time" that exists... and yes, we're asking people to be very "existential," for a minute, but, we do it already, every time we have to drive the idea of "Heaven," and "Hell," out of our mind.. returning to "now," is the easiest and most natural, unconscious way.

But before we forget the purpose of today's "entry," we will say that speaking about "government," (specifically our own), as we are a citizen, and born one, not exactly of our choice, into the responsibility demanded by the democracy that spawned us, (willing or not), unable, moreover to just abdicate that responsibility without being a coward... we'd say for our own little piece of mind that we might do well to consider establishing a "NO PARTY," democracy, and then suggest it to the rest of the people stuck here with us.  We suggest it because the more we think about it, the "better," and more possible it becomes.

25 August 2023

IT IS WORTH NOTING THE FACT, (JUST AS a random sort of thing), that human beings are not on the list of mammals that mate for life:

^{...of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals, only 3 to 5 percent are known to form lifelong pair bonds...}

^{-What are the only mammals that mate for life? – TeachersColleges}j

Now, we don't expect this to sit well with the established blob-itty-blah... it runs contrary to the old law anyway, that decreed you must buy a marriage license and be granted a certificate if you want to fuck without getting arrested... 

24 August 2023

https://chinese-temple.com/blogs/chinese-temple-blogs/top-10-famous-chinese-paintings

^(screenshot)

Hhahnyes.. the "moral and intellectual development," thing... (and the "human rights" thing)... interesting questions anyway; "are we the most important part of our universe?" (and is moral and intellectual development, aka "maturity," happening around here).  All we wanted to say was that when we think of China we don't think of "communism," or the need to surround it with war ships and army forts.. we don't think of torture and mutilation, or even opium... we think of Lau Tzu on a mountain.

Then we get all political and fucked up... it's probably just some nervous system conditioning thing and not any fault of the advertisers in Washywood... we don't know, the nebulous glob of today's thought seems to be something something something around Art as "commerce," and immediately we think about that year we tried to be a graphic artist... holy holy holy horseshit... we were young though, and what can anybody say about that but "not anymore?"  Absolutely not anymore....

22 August 2023

NOTHING WRECKS THE GOOD PAGE like a serious topic... (depending on the meaning of "stand-up," in the moment).  

KLANGORSKRAWLER, for all it's bad sounds, is the good page.  We only got two serious topics, two bees in the bonnet... everybody's invited to hop on over to APD... for the bad, bad...

BUT IF THERE WAS NO POINT in the end to all this bible, (and "other"), study, if we can't make a point of it... if those are the options, my, verses someone else's, point; certainly my own fiction is as good as anyone else's, or really demands it of me, that it be... why not the "truth?"  All those arduous piano lessons, just to release a fading hit, (for example), no more substantial social value than three minutes of groove... in the endless sea of groove... okay, but... does anybody really need one more Steven King novel?  Like, how many horror pictures can a person sit through?  I mean, go get yourself some real horror.  If that's not too much of a "Dad," thing to say.

If at least, (this is the "dilemma"), if all this self-improvement effort is of no use or value to my friends... or anyone else... 

In the treasure-seeking world... inner or outer, material or invisible, if "what to seek," is still an issue... or, having acquired the big it, (for the day? -a good hamburger, say)... we can lean on the sense that "sharing," has become, if not more popular, then at least more various.

Perhaps it is a bit self-important to say anything at all of the things that bring us personal comfort if that means making sure everyone involved needs the same comforts for the same discomforts... (meaning, basically, discomforting everybody first)... except that from looking around we notice people sometimes experiencing the same discomforts all by themselves.  

Or even limiting the oratory to those who experienced the same discomforts elsewhere, say, in the Catholic church... we might have something to offer those people, here now comforted ourselves, or at least not discomforted by everything Catholic... but comforted without Jesus-hoop-de-doo all over the place... or here with us, like an invisible friend.  That whole fucking thing... hoo!  

But the Preacher held on... (that's a warning of sorts)... if we want to look at it a little like an apprentice shop, where, the master painter teaches kids what he's learned... with innovations... always always always, add ons and innovations and sometimes something completely new... people can decide whether or not another "Leonardo," was among us... or not.  One thing we liked about Jesus, he suggested storing up treasures inside... and being generous, if some overall introduction is necessary, to this piece of Art.

So we'll begin with that sense that this is how we "are," or have always been, and can expect to ever be; this was the sense we had growing up under our brother.  Do other children disbelieve the insistence that one day they'll "be big too?" (as we did).  Or still, to this day, do these same old incongruities, (between all that we see and all that we are told is there that we can't see.. yet.. or need to see.. or will never see), getting big is just one example... will I ever believe that Jesus hung on a cross and died to pay for my crimes, then rose from the dead?  And all the rest of it... (i.e. so I can go to "Heaven," and on and on and on)... probably not.  

We tried desperately to believe all that, and anyone that wishes that hard to believe, then doesn't, well... it would be rather difficult to convince us that pursuing a resolution to that particular conundrum is worth another minute... we know we can't take another year of arguing with the ghosts who insist it's "just us," that we're "resistant," or even that doubt is normal, (relax), or that even though nobody really believes it, "it's all true!"  And if you don't believe it that's because you lack "Faith," and, well, that's got to be your fault somehow as well, even though "Faith," is a "gift of God," (there's nothing you can do to earn it), maybe He just doesn't like you.

I mean, mother fuck that... (mind fuck)... how easy is it to fuck a child? (inward or outward), it's disgusting.

What makes matters worse is that in a good many instances, in real, down to earth situations, Jesus makes a lot of sense, in very practical ways, he gave some good advice... what I think we can do without hearing is things like, "well, of course he gave good advice, he was, after all, God."  Well, God's son... and therefore equal to God... and the Holy Spirit... the three of them are all one... and I really envy the kids who can just say, "fuck that nonsense," (it doesn't even make rational sense), and move on with their lives.  Of course, they're all "moving on," to a different portion or phase of their lives, while, we, the old, are moving on into what probably amounts to a less-fun place.  Even without the complications.  

To simplify then, we're just going to attack what we regard as a "Mental-Health-and-Pharmaceutical-Industrial-and-Governmental-Complex," (not just because Washington and Big Business are one... hell... that goes back to when the Catholic Church was the institution of one; they made up congress, education, medicine, law-enforcement... and of course, God), but because it's a complex... like a mental complex... something that's there and is never going away, that sucks, but there's no solution in the imagination, only more fuck-fuck ahead.  And we borrow the phraseology from FDR.. or whoever coined, "Military Congressional Industrial Complex," (that FDR took credit for).. it's because war is increasingly not popular... and we've pretty well used up the whole starting-wars-for-safety card... the next biggest racket is drugs.  The good part is we've done away with alcoholism completely!  You don't know, or haven't heard?  It's true.  That thing is now called, "substance use disorder," and is listed in the Manual of Mental Illness.  Easy as that.  And you know what we got for that, right?  Drugs.  Or God.  And that, (my brother), is it.  

So, "depression," is up.  Just when we thought we were getting a handle on it... good for business anyway... as long as we need 72 different antidepressants, not 71, (we counted 71 antidepressant "medications," listed on Wikipedia)... there'll always be two atoms to stick together that ain't never been stuck together before, then boom, zoom...

Then, of course, as much as we like to be clever and funny, (at least to each other), it's hard to keep like in any situation that is genuinely tragic, because there's a lot of us stuck somewhere in the middle of the god and science contest.  It seems like just this one observation, that the creation and distribution of 71 different antidepressant medicines is happening even as the incidence of depression here is steadily increasing... it seems like a lucky break for the industry, or that the industry arrived just in time... what if we only had like 49 different antidepressants... or just one.. like we do for colds... what is it, "dexta-something," (they're all the same), and they don't work very well either, not like hot whiskey... 

I mean... if people ain't catching on to what we're trying to point out, they're reading the wrong page from the wrong book, (or feeding and harkening to the wrong mouth).

21 August 2023

WE ARE SENSITIVE to the possibility such a personal, (one could say "unbridled"), exhibition... what, (?)... of the man, (?), will disturb the locals.. but we also figure like all bad news, it has to happen, and only hurts for a minute, and there's plenty of drugs available... rather, we are not ignorant, having lived through the T.V. thing, having had to suffer seeing "full-frontal-(male)-nudity," catch on... or even be popular for a minute... we saw the "psycho-mental-therapy," California-thing sweep all the way back east... so much progress over the years... (if we're not quite positive the cock is a good thing yet)... 

We have decided we cannot escape the phantasm that "truth in Art," has always been, at any rate, culturally speaking, (not necessarily discovering your country is full of shit or anything, but, close), there's always going to be the question, "where do we go from here," (in Art), whether Art reflects Culture, or Culture follows the Art... (maybe the two haven't met yet)... 

I, (the creator of KLANGORSKRAWLER), am a little iffy as to whether or not to include anything non-personal... if we had a genuine "passion," for anything beyond our own cock... and I know, I know, hearing things is always much much worse than the things themselves ever hoped to be... we do understand the kids might be looking in... anyway, we don't know if creating an entire page as tribute to "truth in culture," (outside of its whole mind-fucking gift to me)... 

I don't see any other way to separate and merge comedy and tragedy, (literarily speaking), but to create some fence, or border, or boundary, (the Golden Mean), where we all can meet... because it's a constant gnaw... (the burning bones)... 

20 August 2023 

NOT THAT WE NEED MORE evidence there is no "God," that really cares too much, (I mean, once you got omnipotence, what do you got to really care too much about?), but we've continually asked that people, (everybody), in the U.S. stop saying, "no worries," and they still do.  And is it mean to ask your friend, "who are you now, Crocodile Dundee?"  Still?  Like, fifty years later?  Really?  I still gotta be asking my friends if they turned into Crocodile Dundee overnight?  Just this fucking morning.  Who are you today?  Because nobody here made that shit up.  And it's "no worries, Mate," except tacking on that "mate," at the end would give you away and anybody with any sense would give you a face... well, mate or no mate, you can be sure I'm looking at you with a fucked up face inside... 

But things like this do make the dark night of the soul look a little more appealing.  

(3:44am)
AS MIGHT BEFIT A GENUINE SEARCH for truth, (if it's not found on Google), we might wonder just how "lying," (deceptive), was the forest prior to its being paved over and made concrete, or if all "truth," really is like food.. if the only place it would have any personal worth to a man was in his mouth, (if food outside the mouth is just another "commodity" it still will never be as valuable as "intellectual property").. in the whole "red pill," discussion... the only person you can be certain is telling the truth is you... and even there you gotta be careful.

Our real business tonight was about "sensitivity," in general, but in the male in particular, considering the "pussification," of a boy, (as this seems of great interest to the gender-preoccupied among us), and we were speculating, not so much about the more hated aspects of the sobbing man, but what might be named "the golden years of a Navy SEAL;" as we were wondering about the pointed abuse of the organism as standard training in that instance, regarding it as somewhat more rigorous than, say, the professional golfer... focusing on the psychological battering in particular, but not to the exclusion of the physical... we just thought it would be interesting to do a case study on the old age years of a surviving SEAL... how's he doing?  

People are always thanking "God," for tragedy, and this is curious.  In some cases of personal tragedy, like a house fire, or even the devastation of an entire life, from say, divorce.. the sufferer maintains it had to happen in order to make possible an even greater "home," or series of meaningless affairs... in the case of impersonal tragedy even, like, say, you lose a court case with a neighbor who is a real bologna head, about a tree that's growing on the property line, and it costs you $10,000, and then the tree falls on his house, he tells you he's getting $200,000 from the insurance company the next day, but he's still crying because the tree landed on the den he had just turned into the perfect "man cave," crushing a just-restored 1920's billiards table... under which the dog slept... and this awakens your humanity... you realize it's the extremes of the roller-coaster ride of all love and hate that make life worthwhile... or not... it still might be of benefit to identify the roots of sensitivity, if it's a problem, because we can't have men taking time to weep in the office... or can we?  

If we can, (let's begin there), if we experienced a complete "one-eighty," in the whole "cultural values," thing, and our whole community joys and feelings of success were all focused on people, or the result of people, something about people, as horrifying as that can be to imagine, in the garage, because it wouldn't be motors and lawn equipment in there anymore, it would be people... and our whole purpose was shifted to their welfare... (we'd have to child-proof the place)... but this gave us immense pleasure and even more sensitivity, so that open sobbing was increased, and felt good, felt right... if that's just the way things were, would we wonder what the opposite of "toxic masculinity," was?  Would it occur to us that there might be created in this hurricane of humanity any kind of a momentum thing, pussy-wise, (as we've seen with too much cowboy culture?)... probably not.  

This isn't even where we wanted to go with this thing; we were wondering if childhood abuse was a good thing we should be thanking "God," for... if it increases, (like with the Navy SEAL), a man's whole shit... meaning, his awareness, reflexes, endurance... his, well, man-ness... for the good, we mean, sensitivity included.. but, we think the problem is, once you get somebody into the laboratory to be tested they change completely.

19 August 2023 

GOD LOVE BILL WILSON BUT WE THINK TOO that he made the classic alcoholic mistake, (of "going public," too soon), meaning "God," (our "God"), and the devil too would have loved Bill if they'd've met in person, (we say at the risk of being over-complicated, which is one of those things in A.A. that everybody warns against... but can't help doing); we think Bill stopped short of going all the way in his "personal, (moral), inventory," and if he'd have gone all the way, (to his own actual "dark night of the soul"), he may never have gone public at all.  Turns out he was a real bastard, (sober), to work for and was asking his friends, (while on his "death bed"), not to "praise God," exactly, (his "God"), but to sneak him a bottle of gin; this all according to Susan Cheever's MY NAME IS BILL biography of Bill Wilson, and while we have to confess to only picking this up in various ads for the book, (in "snippets,"), we'd ask, is there anything more 'red-blooded "American,"' around here than picking up life in snippets?

But, alas, Bill Wilson is not one of the ghosts in the room and is rather just a topic the ghosts like to argue about, (some of which don't believe Susan), here and in the halls of all A.A. ever after, but we think it's fun to imagine Bill begging for a drink because he's dying and knows it, even if it throws some possible dirt, (doubt), onto his claims of experiencing a bonafide "spiritual awakening.." and we'll use the word "bonafide," wrong, just because we like the way it sounds, and given the generally understood or contemporary meaning of that word, (which we believe is closer to "real," than "in good faith"), we don't expect to be misunderstood, in spite of the complications; "in good faith," is so willy-nilly we can't take it seriously, in that, anybody who relies on, or does anything under the old "umbrella," of good faith, is an idiot, (anymore).  What we don't like about Bill is the arguments about going all the way... (to the actual dark night)... because the cost is probably any hope of success going public.

Unless you're a dead Buddha, or even a dead Saint Thomas, meaning you're not around to lap up the applause or to gaze out about the following, which can't fit into Madison Square Gardens, (much less our local church building), anymore.  We can say Bill's enlightenment fled, or more or less fled, quicker and quicker on approach of death... and how did he ask for the whiskey exactly, was he polite, congenial, even compassionate?  More likely Bill was just as belligerent and ill tempered as any dry alcoholic ever was.. or drunk.. (for that matter, as there's little real difference); that's the fun part, all the "gathered," in his name, (bedside), the "friends," and "loved-ones," suffering the loss of such a hero in real time... we can imagine Bill looking, (squinting), on, in the purest of all pure agape love, saying, (rattling), "Dear Children! Don't grieve!"  (not, "give me a mother fucking bottle you dirty coat-tale-riding cocksuckers")... just stretch out a little hand to touch mine withering bones.. (singular).

...and his friends of course, in the inherited watered down agape love of all ignorant students replying, "no, Bill, we love you too much.. and what you're asking us to do is paramount to the greatest of sins... in these, the sacredest of all halls... you little motherfucker."  We can only imagine the glee of staying righteous and surviving such supreme temptation, the entire blessed flock, but we'd have given Bill his drink and mourned, honestly, that we couldn't raise a glass along with him, and toast his accomplishments... except for the grape juice part, which, well, you might as well do away with that whole ceremony, we think.  But we're not here to lament the institutionalization of A.A. (or anything else), even if proof positive is what everybody really longs for, deep deep deep... we ain't even going all that deep about it, not right now; we're not going climbing out any further onto any of the tantalizing branches of deeper study we've just suggested.. no... the dark night beckons...

Actually it's upon us, (in a material way), we only wish the agony could be expressed, or "captured," for all humanity.. bottled, rather.. in all its blood-curdling reality, (as opposed to the snippet), and we're going all the way.  

NOTE TO NEW (we need a synonym for "completely unaware"), GIRLFRIEND:

Okay okay.. you can be the funny one.. (that's what I was logging in here to say), and I hope it turns out that you're genuinely funnier than me.. because I hate my own laughing-in-polite-pretense more than anything in the world...  ah, you see, (?), you didn't expect we'd be ruined by competition, did you?  But oh yeah, we'll go through all the whole, "I-can-top-that," thing, the "she's/he's-not-really-all-that-funny," thing... "she/he-can't-be-funnier-than-me," (more popular), thing.. people are just plain fucked up... everybody, I mean... the only recourse is to point it out.. (then write affirmations to each other... add something to the "I'm sorry," genre of literature)... one at a time... get personal individually.. because somehow we keep denying we're never going to have any friends, or a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, that we can stand... 

...the more sophisticated among us can hope the other guy has a sense of humor, (if it turns out we're all just sophisticated mirrors, in the end).. but that's as far as humanity at large is ever going to evolve, short of going all the way through that dark night of the soul... which, last we checked, isn't getting all that lined up for... 

For the record though, (PS), predicting the future isn't all it's cracked up to be.. 

We can jump ahead and enlighten everyone as to why the "romantic comedy," will never be a classic; it's because sex, in itself, is rather, (if not authentically), tragic.. and horrifyingly so.  No classic literature has a happy ending.  And oh, yeah, we want to point to this as some evidence man just wants to kill himself, or everybody else, deep down in some hidden region, when, in reality, those two things were never more obvious as now, along with the fact that nobody wants to die either... or at least the body will begin to struggle against the inevitable, and never as hard as when it's all right here... in the next couple minutes... (when the life begins to "flash before our eyes," which is probably just another horseshit story).. and we take this as a "fault," (personal), or across-the-board, ("original sin")... Christ, even Jesus said, "offenses will come."  

Sex is tragic because comedy had its base in blunder.  Plus it leads naturally to offspring.  And you'd think, if we ever needed a wellspring of blunder... 

... hey, brother, what's that so-ound...

My father:
"Yeah... the kak-a-dids are comin' out of their seven year hibernation.." (the what?) "That's what that whining sound is you hear, and your little sister."
And God love dear old Dad for knowing enough about everything to stop listening; God and the Devil really do love him.  

18 August 2023 

IT JUST OCCURRED TO US that today is our father's birthday, or would have been his 89th birthday... 90th maybe... if he was still alive... or still is, even though he's dead... what do you want, a "ugoogly?"  Friends.  Everybody does the best they can.  Human nature is a motherfucker.  Rest in peace, Dad.  We don't have far to go.  

HOME REALLY IS IN sight.  Or.. (if you like).. that little spark that flashes between two very long, very dark, very obscure and anonymous "voids," (of nothingness), eternal, really, (in that it's hard to imagine, in the midst of the light, their ever going anywhere)... that's all coming to an end... but who can say.  Time, yes, it's time we're talking about, once instituted.. I mean, really, "the end of time?"  We don't think so.  Or even the beginning of time... Time is so far out you can't even think about it with any seriousness for more than five or ten minutes without losing your mind.  So, we'll do what we usually do on the brink of losing our mind, we'll go think of something else... except, to call this entering back into the void, "going home," well, we think that's too far of a stretch; we like to think of "home," as a warm place and not an endless, airless, cold float, (as adventures go).  If anybody cares for clarification, we feel home is in sight in a very material, immediate way.  And we wish that for everyone else.

NOW WE NEED TO GIVE SOME attention to this business of "emotional regulation," we're afraid, (if we're thinking about traversing the furthest reaches of our own humanity), and like with most everything else confronting us on this grand journey, we're going to have to pay attention to it mainly when that's the last thing we feel like doing, so, in an effort to avoid being a real chicken shit:

We take "subject," to mean "give over to," as in giving over a couple hours for the kid's advancement, or even nutrition.  And that's pretty much the end of the lesson.  An illustration of how this might work, say we're in a store and we see a nice fishing pole we want but can't afford, so, emotionally we want to lie down in the aisle and start yelling and shit in our pants, in our head our mind says "steal it," and here is where emotional regulation is useful, as we "subject," these impulses, we "give them over," to "governing principles or laws," (see above).  This doesn't mean they go away, no; they usually get louder.  It means they have no authority, (as the subject of a kingdom has no decision-making power, no relevance, to the king)... but we hasten to point out the fact that unless these "principles or laws," are instituted by us, (i.e. "no crapping your pants in the aisle of a store, or stealing"), unless they are genuinely "signed into law," by us, they will be regarded as, more or less, just more "walmart-shit," and we detest everything that has anything to do with the walmarts, (metaphorically speaking).  But do we want to be the "cops," in our own lives... do we want to be the "parents," at our own breakfast table... do we want to be an "institution," of some kind or a "law-maker," of any kind?  

(the institution of one)

Of one and only one... (nobody else is even going to be aware of it)... so if after doing all this you feel like going to an A.A. meeting and "sharing," all this good stuff you just did, ask yourself, would you respect your father if he did that, or would it embarrass you, like everything else he does?  Now, get out there and do it.

(18 August just past midnight)

THE BIG SHARE PROBLEM will need addressing at some point, share-cropping too, and people talking too much.  If this means suspending the big journey inside for a minute, well, any excuse that will put off the actual creation of Art will be welcomed, as making Art can be quite tedious, (we would share that). 

We don't know why the popularity of the "big-personality," person should ever wane, as these people are so full of excitement and energy, you really don't have to listen to what they are saying, like watching somebody dance, (in a foreign language)... if it makes you forget about your life, but more so revs you up, (if not providing evidence your weenie still works, then by tricking your brain into once again imagining life might change, the world, your government, your economic yoke, or maybe all of it at the same time)...

Not that we're all that interested in tossing our peanuts into the fight.. we might suggest, (you know, as an alternative), that we ask ourselves, in some attempt to get to the bottom of things around here, just how fuckable this, (or any other person on the planet), really is.  Is the hair working?  I don't know why her eyes should be reminding me of Oscar Wilde, but they are.  It's the loud, brash, sort of keep-on-talking, (confidently and with "passion"), thing... no matter how nonsensical or contradictory the words, (like in the bible), I mean, the right person could be ejaculating The Cat in the Hat.. and if anyone thinks we are using the wrong word to describe the wrong thing, it's a thing:

Where are you going to want to hear something like that more than in church?  It's a look-a-like, (upstairs), it wasn't us... somebody photo-shopped me, I didn't touch the pussy... it's all a big lie, a witch-hunt, a contemporary lynching... 

Because that's our theory, you're just not fuckable anymore and need compensation, or fucking ain't enough... fucking the same person, with an expectation, (dread), of eating macaroni and cheese every meal for the rest of your life.  You remember when you had wherewithal... so you're not going to go shoot up a McDonald's, you've had 20 "affairs," you even did that thing from the ceiling thing.. on the catapult thing.. and nobody could have invented anything even close to that amazing since last week... and, I don't know, she's some trans-hater from the other side of the world.. (above), yapping yapping yapping, and you'd think, the minute someone contradicts themself it's time to turn off the TV... but that means being alone.  

Good news... alone, you don't have to worry about the big share problem, or anything really to do with sharing at all.. (you know that whole "who-got-the-bigger-piece-of-cake.." (or cock), thing... (you know the joke, we got cake and cock for lunch and we're all out of cake.. I've seen guys fight over a piece of cake on a tray in prison)... and that fucking guy at A.A. that just drones on and on and on... like we're all so blessed to hear what he's got to share... and you'll never hear, "shut the fuck up," or even, "have some cake and cock," at an A.A. meeting.. I mean, I'm sorry, for all the good and stability and sanity and change that "sobriety," brings to my life, I'm thinking it makes me want to hear some nonsensical yapping, all fired up and hot... or just the Cat in the Hat read really angrily, or hot... in my living room though, not like, having to pack into the car and drive to the rally... people might not put down the Roman orgy after they been in one.. I don't know though.  

It just occurs to us, like, why is this lady looking like this?  This is her chosen public-servant look?  And no, we don't have time to look up what she's doing.. (we woke to the YouTube autoplay thing, and there she was... yapping); we don't know what she's trying to do.. somebody was hating her... you know, that's what you have to do to be popular now.. probably always.. you could say life is pretty much two against one, then three against two, then four against... you get it... until you stockpile some automatic weapons and the real people take notice.  It's like you've been making too much noise playing monopoly and woke Dad up.. it's time to skedaddle.  

And this is no time to be serious, or do anything... the big share thing isn't going anywhere... alone here, on the edge of our dark night of the soul.. 

17 August 2023

WHAT DO WE NEED, Kris Kristofferson to help us make it through the night?  He don't care what's right or wrong?  Come on, Kris.. get your head out of your ass... Let the devil take tomorrow?  

16 August 2023

ANYONE GOING INTO THIS thing should probably assume, (we imagine), any experience with the "dark night of the soul," is bound to be a bit unpleasant.  Them that had any notion to venture out, alone, into the "wilderness," (with the intention of gaining some personal inner, "spiritual," advancement), spending more than a couple of days.. athirst.. out there... depending of course on the severity of the seriousness.. (in answer to the question, "do we want to make this a venture on a scale of say, a Moses, or a Jesus, or even a Buddha?" -which, we could say amounts to "water-jug-less")... if there is any element of any hint of any possibility of any "we-might-not-survive-the-thing," involved.. no risk.. because what is the worst thing that could happen, say, if someone is out to just gain a deeper "sanity," or perspective on reality.. in-sanity?  And if this wasn't a real threat, just how dark is that dark night really expected to get.

We move on to a more down-home theme, that of the "personal inventory," (of A.A.), possibly because on the scale of threatening things that ranks maybe somewhere just above a 5, or so... and yes, we write, (we "share"), mainly for our fellows, (those suffering the same difficulties and seeking a like solution), but we can't do that without mentioning a thing we believe is common to all men, looking back to an age when the "whole world," wasn't much bigger than France, and you could easily sail off the edge of it, if you weren't careful, provided, of course, you got past the sea monsters; we don't doubt everyone wants to "change the world," (this is to say), and in a good way, that the majority of anyone's actions is pointed toward making the whole world better...  even if those actions amount, at the moment, to moving the furniture around the living room... nobody does anything to make his world shittier, or, "his own," personal world.. and we won't quibble about the whole phenomenon of "personal," or "private," property, or "rights," of "ownership," in any "inalienable," way... we just know that most people unassociated with A.A. or "addictions' recovery," of any kind will want to know what we mean by, "personal inventory," so, we'll just reintroduce him to the concept of going out into the desert to find God... and hope for the best... suggesting, well, what else is there to do out there, of any value, complain about government?  When it gets cold at night...

15 August 2023

AGAIN SO GLAD TO BE done with yesterday... eeeyesterday jesterday... all that thought given to the grave, and gravity, and the abyss... if again, we're talking about a "spiral," more than a "cycle," and we gotta continually "climb," (etc. etc.)... or slide on down.. what are we going to do...

"SHOULD WE LAY DOWN AND DIE, BOB!"
                                                                                     ^{-Sir Anthony Hopkins, THE EDGE.}  

Not to be insulting, if we shouldn't assume everybody knows everything about everything, (if we are genuinely worried about the kids), to ask whether or not our "millennials," know what a "black hole," is... personally, I've had to wonder about the whole possibility Albert Einstein was wrong.. or simply full of shit.. I mean, if Johnny Douchebag told me he's figured out a way to tell how much the sun weighs... I'd have to ask him, "on what planet."  Then a black hole has the vacuum power to suck it all out of the sky, completely, the sun, the earth, the whole shebang... (she-bang? -who made up that word?)... we can only do what we can do and "google it," (how much does the sun weigh), and, waa laa:  

_{The sun's weight is estimated to be around 333,000 times the Earth's mass. This means that the sun weighs about 2 x 10^30 kg.  To put that into perspective, the sun's weight is equal to the mass of about 4.6 million Earths!} 

Not to have to ask, 'is it "mass," or "weight," precisely,' (?)... are these the same thing... because the black hole, after it sucks the life out of the sky, accomplishes this, (apparently), by squishing everything down into a little invisible speck, that then weighs just as much as it did before getting vacuumed up, even more than 4.6 millions earths... ("estimated").  Yeah, we did a whole piece on the Monday morning abyss, an all-day study, in fact.. then we sucked it completely off the page.

But there were some interesting points, we discovered, beyond the probability most of "Astronomy," is having a good laugh, (most of the time), I mean, "if they'll believe this.." 

The idea that if we see a picture of something it has to be real... like the "atom," (for example), you know you can google "show me a picture of an atom," and it will.  What's forgotten is that the whole idea of "atoms," is a theory, or a hypothesis, and who really knows... maybe that's a picture of a moth turd, which has got to be light enough to float around in the air... but no... we can see a moth turd with the naked eye:

Maybe not pretty, but believable, and almost relevant to our house.

Sincerely, though, we feel the need to make things clear; the "atomic world," is a theory, Kids... that little red dot between the electrode things.. (on Google), is a red dot.  If you read the fine print, you'll always find one or other form of "disclaimer," or qualification.. which is good; we think, things need to remain open ended...

To more important matters, with the overturning of the whole "Roe vs. Wade," thing, (a score for the religionists), we might ask why "science," is allowed at all, (by the religionists).. I mean, if you really want to discredit your whole club's hypothesis.. ("science is evil," for example).. me?  I think science is allowed to go on because it depresses people, and they know it, (but who's listening to my theories?).  And girls hating math doesn't help.  

But being sucked into the abyss yesterday had a good purpose, we can say, or consequence, the need to fight gravity.. and the grave.. but we might speculate that going on to seek financing for an exploratory expedition all over the place that has the intention of finding the fountain of youth, or something similar, might be taking things a bit far..  unless you're seeking re-election to some governorship somewhere... you could probably round up at least a few million people who think that's a good idea.  While, tomorrow the grave, and death.. all imagining of the abyss and the black hole.. that's still all going to be here... on Tuesday.  

I can tell you why we don't care.  Math.  Women hate math.. (all except maybe the one with the haircut.. but that's still a maybe).  Now, when you're looking at the prospects of adding something substantial to the whole equation, (the whole science thing), maybe the idea of curing cancer turns you on, which is not a bad thing, but I think it's important to ask yourself, "do I want to be the guy that cures cancer, or do I want to be the guy that has to do all that math?"  Because it's going to become apparent somewhere along the line that you are doing a whole asshole full of math... and worse, you'll have to learn everything every other great mathematician has already learned before anybody is going to give your stupid ideas the time of day.  That can be depressing.  You really gotta love doing math, so, do a little math, and see how it feels.. we won't blame anyone who takes a look at, say, today's "technology," (in his hand), and thinks, "there's no fucking way," I mean, when we were kids, you could tear apart any lawn mower engine and pretty much put it back together without having to involve Dad, (too much), you might have some idea that, well, with a little attention given to an acetylene torch, (and whatever else welding is all about), you could probably manage to mount that thing onto your little stingray bicycle... but.. now, you tear down a cell phone, or a T.V. or a car even... you'll see what I mean.

And then there's this:

Right?  I mean, take a close look.. (and it's just a screenshot; you can't hit the blue words and, "get a Widget for this Calculator").  I was just curious what the "C," stood for, (which is the speed of light.. and again, on what planet?  Only this time, it's ours.  The Earth... here on earth we might benefit knowing how fast Jesse Owens, and light, is..).  We won't blame anyone for asking, "really?"  This "formula," (above), -and here's where we get a little screwy, can actually be used to tell us how much some distant star weighs, and how fast it is going too.. and what can anybody, (that we know), say except, "really?"  

There is a reason though, (it came this morning), for yesterday.. yeah, we did a whole piece on the abyss and the black hole, and the "awesome," sucking power, the whole incomprehensible "vortex," and the gravity of the grave.. (in a purely material way).. we dissected the whole gravitational thing.. we went into "swimming against the current," (as opposed to being swept away like a leaf).. you name it.. (as any life of successive Monday mornings might do to a man).. and then we hit "delete."  Why?  Because we know it didn't go anywhere... and it's never going anywhere... talk with any kid out there and you'll see.

So, do we have to learn all the established math in order to prove Einstein was full of shit.. (and go pretty much un-laid in the process)?  It might be worth it.  It could be a benefit to humanity at large to admit, or think, "maybe we're wrong."  What if there's no such thing as a black hole in the universe?  What if there's only a brown hole?  Probably anybody who finds themselves getting sucked into a brown hole is not going to be thinking, "this is awesome!"  I'm not sure it would be as depressing as it seems, finding out Einstein was making everything up.. now THAT, might give us real hope, and also faith in our government, or a greater appreciation for the necessity of making everything up... if anything is truly awesome... probably even the millennials would believe it exists by looking at a picture, (of a brown hole), it might be enough to get them through another Monday.. as it does us.

13 August 2023

BOY ARE WE GLAD that "God," Day is done... we were never too good at the whole God Thing.. we were never too good at life, in particular; we can't imagine being too good at death and eternity and creation and Hell.  Good to get back to our obsession with the girl; that's just about all the Hell we care to deal with right now.  Aurgh.. (indecipherable noise).. the girl the girl the girl...

Luckily, we haven't got more than an hour and we're going fishing.

The burning question is, "do we really need to shower?"  (we did the dishes).  We already washed the butt hole.. what else matters?  Because there's a big difference between taking a shower when you need one and taking a shower when you don't, (of course, taste knows no dictate); we suspect everybody has their own idea as to when that time comes.  Especially personal.. (when a thing is about somebody else and when the thing is about us).. there's always "dysregulation," involved.  

They say, in fact, (the scientists), that we really never achieve any real "living-in-the-moment," because the neuro-pathways, like postal workers, take their time delivering the mail.  And yeah, we're talking about a split second, or a tenth of a second, or a hundredth of a second... maybe worse... but it's still time.  You want to fuck yourself up, go to college, take "Anatomy and Physiology," not because it's "hard," (all truth is hard), but because you begin to see just how fucked up any one singular organism can get.. and here's an example... the connections that have to be made just for you to get Aunt Milly's card with the five dollars... or a better example would be the connections that have to be made for you to pay attention to Miss Muffinshire, you're second grade teacher... with the stockings.. because you don't know what stockings are yet.  These poor kids, today, all the pants in school.. we're just lucky the pant-suit thing went out with Hillary Clinton.. which was a couple decades too late.  We can see how people need to try to believe in "miracles," anyway, with the DNA thing.. how many people got to make it to reproductive age in order for you to inherit the alcoholic gene... even though we're beginning to doubt that whole theory; the problem with theories, beyond their being theories, is that doubt it only the first step in the grieving process... that baby's going to have to break your heart at least twenty times before you like, slow down the walk to her driveway, if you even realized that's where you set out to go.. you might think you just went out for coffee.  

Most neuro-crap, i turns out, (at least regarding "reflexes"), don't even consult the brain, which, being the caboose anyway, is moaning at the scenery most of the time... whenever you find your arms jerking uncontrollably.  

We're leaving the brain completely out of the morning.  If you consider all the intricate things that have to happen in order for your washing machine to change cycles, you'll begin to understand why a semester of anatomy and physiology is going to be completely blacked out, and it's not because you had to cut open a cow's eye... we once ate a fish's eye.. we had to.. it was "meet-the-parents," or, "meet-Dad-in-particular," night, specifically, before you're getting your deepest fulfillment out of the Jamaican girl.. you know you gotta eat everything on that plate they set in front of you.. it was much the same sensation in the lower belly, the "pop," (like a zit), and now.. here we go, Mr. Brain thinks he's got something important to say.. "Pop," and "Dad," (goes the weasel).. you have to imagine how many neuro-connections have to take place in order for a man to know enough to get the fuck out of there.

LOVELY GIRL!  ...(alas).  Lovely culture.  It was probably a lovely fish, (looking up at me), was I supposed to eat the fins too?  I was afraid to ask.  I was failing the interview anyway.. I knew that when I saw the furniture.  Jesus, the girl was writing here PhD dissertation... at Cornell... and wanted me to read it.  You know you don't want to know what they were saying, in the end, or in the beginning, in that "broken," English.  If people wonder why G.I.'s pick Asian girls all the time, to marry, it's just so cute being yelled at.. disappointment, (in broken English), is an aphrodisiac, (and you didn't have to eat some slimy thing, or take a pill, to get Mr. Bad News involved).. which is where we gather up the fishing tackle and head out the door.. 

12 August 2023

SO GLAD TO BE DONE with yesterday.  Finally slept eight hours, (that hasn't happened in many months).  We were thinking about the number of different cultures from which a "medicine-man," (or woman), an "oracle," or some such like person would emerge, and then, periodically, put in trances, starved, drugged... (you name it)... in the hopes of finding a greater... (whatever).  In that light, this "seclusion," of mine doesn't seem so whacked out.  But then, maybe 90% of what came out of the "holy man," was unintelligible nonsense.. to pick through.  And who would want to be that guy?  No.  Ours was simple flight.  

Or "freeze," yes; we were apt to freeze.. which, ironically, served us pretty well, even in situations that called for a "fight," (like in prison).  Was there some kind of "trick," to the thing, some conscious thing, that made it work?  "Staring down," for example.. (frozen).. motionless, dead-faced, not making a sound.  Because you hear that all the time, (on your way in), "you're going to have to react, even if you know you're going to lose; go find an 'equalizer,' bring the mop wringer," (the old metal mop wringers would make a mess of somebody's head for sure)... "because if you don't you're going to be punked down your whole bid."  Of course, later on, we had guys come up and tell us, (after getting to know us a little in there), "we all thought you were slow."  That's fucking hysterical. 

Stressing the body, (is the point).  Stressing, "punishing," pushing, (getting way way way out of the "comfort zone"), is a fairly common thing, until it goes too far, (?).  Not to return to the whole impulse to be the biggest, baddest, maddest, buffest... (asshole on the planet)... we went to the "feminine," automatically, (we think), or were conditioned to early on, (pre-cognition... -we just saw a thing on the famous "amigdominaminal," part of the brain that takes forever to develop.. (to come out of his dressing room), so, even though we can't remember mentally, like now, we remember in a sense... and get depressed as fuck for no reason)... the skin remembers.  We know from evidence.  "Mommy's sick."  We remember that precisely.  

Her leaving the home left a pretty big "void," or "vacuum," (a hole), that wanted filling.. sucked you in, really.. and we don't want to implicate siblings... our little pulsating blob of organic matter... (the four of us)... but to say America, (the U.S.A.), sucked just as bad then as it does now.  You know, watching that piece on Judge Luttig, we really loved that, but to expect any "millennials," to love him... that would be idiotic; his "patriotism," or principles, (his highest principle).. are all pretty well a thing of the past.. because even back then, in the early 70's, the kids got pretty well cheated out of loving this country.  

Luttig talks about this war with ourselves, (we can't win), and we don't know when, or for what, he thinks it started... it was just a bit difficult, as I recall, to think, (to feel), of "America," (again, the U.S.A.).. that she was such a hot bowl of shit... what's bugging us now is being somewhere lost between the "boomers," and the "millennials."  Anybody entering the "age of reason," in the 1970's, well, you know, I look around, I "googled," famous people born in 1960, (with me), and there's about five serial killers among us... yeah, there's some pretty far out people, Andy Warhol's friend, (that got ate alive), his wife too, I believe, (pretty sure she was a lawyer or doctor, really respectable lady, and also hot), well, that was a long ago search and we didn't retain much of it; I see exactly none of my high school friends on the list of great people... 

Luttig is a recent living hero, he reminds me of somebody I know but can't place.  Because at the end, when he read aloud his famous statement to the vice president, I was pretty unmoved.. (I guess it's a "historical," moment)..  He stated, (visibly tearing up), that it was the biggest thing in his entire life.. and we got the impression that it was mainly about the Vice President asking him what to do... the Vice President... to Luttig, that was so far out it blew his mind, (it's the respect for those offices I'd like to feel, even half as deeply; I think it would change my life).

^{WILD MONGOLIAN HORSE GALLOPING THROUGH THE SKY
oil on plywood}

WE HAVE TO GET OUR HONEY in today because the "home," page cuts off the disappearing hoof, and we don't like that.  The thing about the wild Mongolian horse is it went basically extinct, except for the ones being kept in captivity, or them that had been "domesticated," and then "re-introduced," to where they belonged all along... and without sounding like a pessimist, or cynic, we figure it's pretty doubtful that this will  happen to us.

In making Saturday about "God," we have to admit to running into problems... and before we go too far, we should say positively we love all our "Christian," friends, and "Jewish," friends, (we met a few converted Muslim friends inside and liked them too).. we hate the feeling we are, or might be, hurting people, or running them "astray," (if such a thing could happen); there's a pretty good warning against that in, (as we might say in A.A.), "the literature." At the same time, we have fairly foul feelings toward the idea of announcing a "disclaimer," of any kind... we think it's pretty irresponsible, and borders on "gossip," to just talk and say, "don't hold this against me," or "don't quote me;" we feel some compulsion to say rather, "quote away!" (we live for it).  And yes, most disclaimers are all about "allegations," made against someone, or separating allegations from established facts, (and one can certainly argue, or ask, "is there anything even close to an established fact anymore?" -another argument entirely), and we don't intend to fry anyone in particular, you know, making any allegations against them even more known, or highlighted.. for some reason... we do disagree with the Christians, (we have to say), the Jews, and the Muslims... and pretty much anybody else who pounds a book, or uses a book, to pound other people in the head, unless it is a provable book of non-fiction... and even then, please don't.  The book in question, here today, (without irony), has no "genre;" at all, and enjoys its own domain... somewhere between fiction and non-fiction.. (we suspect).. and nobody seems to notice that we didn't use "true," when separating books; the categories are "fake," and "not-fake," ("fiction and non-"); we certainly use the word "true," out loud, when talking about not-fake.. it just strikes us as odd that it's not the other way around, until we speculate as to whether or not "not-true," can catch on, as a commodity.. (if the categories were reversed and renamed, "non-true," and "true"), how popular could a non-true book become?  

Probably non-fiction has a long way to go to catch up, in popularity, (we speculate in reality)... and we wouldn't want that to be the other way around.. we're just giving everything our best guess... and if that's a disclaimer, ha... what are you going to do?

And we know it's pretty lame to just announce we more or less disagree with everybody, and please don't hold that against us.. it doesn't automatically make us Buddhist, or "atheist," or leave us to some obscure wolf-god group of crazies.. if people ask themselves, 'how does a "sect," like the Jim Jones one, form, exactly;' he'll have to conclude, somebody disagreed with somebody, at least 3,000 times, as regards Christianity.. which averages roughly 1.5 "splintering off," occurrences every year..  since the thing began.  Things are bad when you can't even take a year of it.  

Maybe being disagreeable is just in itself disagreeable.. enough.. or certainly is, if you're driven off and have to go make up a church of your own just for flapping your lips.  Nobody's really going to notice outside of whoever it is you're disagreeing with, or care altogether too much if you're right or wrong for doing so, unless they catch wind of any sort of wild allegation or you decide to begin stockpiling automatic weapons.  

We don't expect, that is, to garner a whole lot of attention for running our mouth, and really, these days, you could carry signs down any main street, that read, "FUCK JESUS," and people will still just want you to get out of the way.  Well, somebody's going to want to beat you up, and might, but, they just want to beat somebody up, (you're not special)... I mean, if it were different, they'd have been carrying their own sign already that said, "DON'T FUCK JESUS."  Our point was that it's just this kind of inflammatory speech that, even if it's right on point, will hurt our friends.  We know, rather, that the people carrying the "no fucking Jesus allowed," signs aren't going to beat anybody up.. so we can get away with it.. unless they're insane.  Insanity is like the wild-card in the deck... the Jokers.. (and yes, for most games they have to be removed).  We're just relying on whatever "power," it is that anybody gets from his "God," is substantial enough to keep their feelings from getting hurt enough to kill us.

We can mention one disagreement, and take a nap, because we're tired already from our own inflammatory speech.. this business of the "old testament," being the "material," story, and the "new testament," being the invisible, or "spiritual," story.  Roughly, this says that the whole Jesus thing is to be lived, primarily, on the inside.  All the "history," of the old testament, they say, happened, yes.. in reality, meaning the people actually did all those things, wandering around, killing each other, etc. etc., while the new testament is filled with allegory, symbolism, parable, (etc.), for our "spiritual," edification.  This would assume that about none of the old testament was allegorical, (which to me, say, suns stopping in the sky, donkey's talking, people flying into the clouds.. well.. no need to finish that sentence); it assumes that everything Jesus said about going to the "marketplace," (the marketplace "parables"), was not really about the actual marketplace at all; these stories are just about your insides... after you're dead.  We think practicality would force us to ask if these parables are of any material use in today's world.  And we think so.  We think very material, very relevant, very useful, even if you're completely dead, (or lost), inside, like us.  Specifics? (or at least one example?)... bah.  We'd rather ask, what's the point of all the "spiritual," growth in the world, if you're only going to sit in your cave, and then go to "Heaven," where it's of little to no use... (since, up there, everybody's just as good as you)... just a whale of a spiritual being.. oops.. hey!  Where did the big spirituality meter go?  At least down here you get to go out and rub it in somebody's face.. shake your enlightened ass all you want.. (bad dog)... 

Yes, we're overtired.   

11 August 2023 (evening)

_{IN TRIBUTE TO THE NEW YORK STATE TAXPAYER}

WE BEGAN TO DRAW UPON the idea of the old Hebrew "Shabbat," (the period of time that begins every Friday evening and running roughly 24 hours, or one day, and ends, of course, the following Saturday evening), probably about this time last year as we felt it would fit well into the contemporary wisdom, (we agreed with), concerning rest, or recreation, restoration... moving to "celebration," or rejoicing... mainly because there is much, (scientifically), proven wisdom in the old teachings, and "Law," of the Jews; we can cite the incidence of "circumcision on the 8th day," (of a boys life), having read somewhere of the blood-clotting agents peaking in an infant's body at about that period of time... we can go on to speculate that sheep-fucking was not a good thing in the community, so it was harshly dealt with, probably with some fumbling also, (we suspect that a number of babies had to bleed out through the penis until they got it right); basically we'd been nagged by the helping-community to take a break, is the thing, and there was much evidence that our personal failures in, "creating a life worth living," (for lack of a better definition of what we were trying to do), were directly related to over work, and we could no longer afford to not pay attention to anybody.  

This left us with picking a day.  Not to be stringent, but, not to be "willy-nilly," and capricious about it either; we draw heavily on the Golden Mean theme of the Greeks.. if the Romans took over Greece, and Christianity toppled Rome... what, in the span of a few hundred years,(?)," well... if we don't necessarily buy into the "cyclical," nature of things, we can certainly allow for a "spiral," and maybe even a boomerang, effect; if the best we can do is hope for some cosmic Karma... not that the universe needs us to pray for it... we'd like to think that what goes around really does come around, and the whole "casting-our-bread-upon-the-waters," thing, (that we're doing right now), is not done "in vain," as people say, even if, as Solomon contended, "all is vanity;" we can imagine running with it, if such is the case, meaning, okay, give us a life lived in vain, if that's how it really is; we'd take anything over the fantasy of living forever in paradise, which, truthfully, sounds really boring... so we picked today, and used the old "evening to evening," ("day"), scheme of time; we figured, Jesus, why not?  No.  Not exactly.  In truth we couldn't bear another Monday morning dread and decided to do something about it, and noticed the answer had been there all along, all we had to do was recognize Sunday as the first day of the week, as it was; giving a full work schedule to our Sundays took some of the dread out of our Mondays, so, we kept it up.

But, people hear the words, "Sabath," and "Holy," and worse, commands to "KEEP," (it Holy), and we lose our minds.  We'd much rather jump in the car and head for the water.. any goddamned time we feel the need to, (that, at least, was my Dad).  

And we might take this moment to honor our father, noting the last words in the old Catholic bible, (old Testament), promised to return the fathers to the sons and the sons to the fathers... if, like with the return of Jesus, we're still waiting for that to happen, well, we proceed undaunted nevertheless; dear old Dad never saw half of his promises to the end either, which kind of fits with the Golden Mean... and listen, whenever Dad shouted, "get in the car," we lost our minds, (in the good way), anyway, as concerns broken promises, you forget.  And this might just be an expectation that there's some cosmic "get-in-the-car," just around the bend.. we're going to the hamburger joint by the lake, and who gives a shit about yesterday.  Of course, there comes Jesus again, (never-ending never-rending  never-bending Jesus).. with the "not one jot," thing.. meaning records are kept, the book of life and all that, Santa's naughty and nice list.. and well, to that we say yes, the body keeps the score, (thanks Gabor Maté), but it seems more likely we keep a score, or will need to pay for, those crimes we ourselves have committed, more than anything ever done to us; we hurt more for our own crimes, (at least when we mature a little bit we begin to; it's a sure mark we're finally leaving "adolescence," I think, at whatever age), we think personal problems really start when we seek "justice," for broken promises, holding tight to the anger that comes with disappointment, (we don't want to lose the sense of power anger provides too, along with whatever the douchebag forgot to do).. so we're just going to mention that this little time, from now until tomorrow, is held, (to us), "sacred," and we don't want to go into what that means, other than to say we seek to guide our behavior by "principle," (not "principal," because we still remember when taught the difference, it was said, "you know the difference because the principal is you PAL," and we don't need a pal running our life anymore).  

But when we're scared sometimes we long for something like Dad, to take over, to give us something to do, something we don't have to question... and that's never going to happen again... so... what are our options?  We can't simply get hammered anymore.  We can't use beer as our "medication," (like he did), we can't use prescription medications, (as they've proven either ineffective or in most cases actually harmful, -in our case)... do we get mad?  Anger works against fear, somewhat; it's certainly a more powerful emotion... but, from experience we've learned we really don't like the "hangover," or what seems to be a worse sort of free-floating fear, (a "shame"), -we have come to view "shame," as a fear of being seen... simply... and certainly not a sense we are "bad," like we hear so often from the helping-people, because it always comes with the bullshit, "you're-not-bad," solution, which is horseshit; we figure, if somebody convinced us we're "bad," somebody else would have to convince us we're "good," and that amounts to the same sort of boundary violation that put us in the present state.

And we're just going to mention "shame," and breeze on by; the reader is welcome to study the whole fuck-fuck out for himself... our main objective today is to honor the taxpayer for keeping us alive all these years.  We hope to honor him and her by building a store of Art, but we can't promise our efforts will be at all regarded as any "payoff," (for the confiscation of his and her money, the re-distribution, the arguments on TV... etc.); we're very grateful for this little measure of real "maturity," as opposed to just continuing to act "grown up."  We hope it is valuable, (this piece of Art).  But we don't want to get all crazy and think the only thing that proves value is popularity and big social movements... (just another big turd in the toilet you want Mommy to see)... not, anyway, in the Jim-Jones-Christianity way... so I do it myself, alone, and yeah, let the fucking chips fall where they may.  

Just before this piece we did the dishes because that's vital.  

Certainly we want this to be more than any other "recovery," story... but a recovery story might just have to be good enough for us... and, more importantly, has it happened yet?  Has there been a significant change?  Is anything at all worth talking about?  Because so many people are sucked in by "charisma," and it seems like, in many cases, once momentum is generated, well, what's waiting for us is a big vat of "koolaid."  I'd say, just because people believe you doesn't mean you're onto something.  Maybe ten or twenty years down the line.. take another look, (at me), and then make a more informed assessment of what's come of all this appropriation of other people's money, keeping in mind, the Jews only ever demanded ten percent of anything, not this craziness, (from the very material "above" us all):

_{There are seven federal income tax brackets, ranging from 10% to 37%.} 

_{New York state income tax rate table for the 2022 - 2023 filing season has nine income tax brackets with NY tax rates of 4%, 4.5%, 5.25%, 5.85%, 6.25%, 6.85%, 9.65%, 10.3%, and 10.9% for Single, Married Filing Jointly, Married Filing Separately, and Head of Household statuses.} 

You know... you'd think they could have waved that final ".9" (on the ten percent, but no)... 

And I'm thinking I should get off the Jewish thing.. 

The present Summer is turning into a real inner thing, and we're wanting to go all the way, to the heart and center... (why bother otherwise).  We're so used to being alone now, (together, the ghosts and me, the "lord," of them all, or at least, what I say should go), it's either just the same, natural progression, or something very different; we are not certain as yet, if something has happened, (other-world-ly), if "maturity," has begun to take hold in a significant way, if this is another scheme, or big "dream," because we've heard of all the "journeys," and "cathartic," experiences, and we'd like one too.  We like to be "creative," we like "streams of consciousness," we like noticing our own brilliance... and all the like, letting go, and seeing what comes out, total "hands-off.."  ..but we've also held to a thing, some story or possibly a "rationalization," to some pursuit, refusing to change course, and pretty much making shit up to suit whatever immediate "challenge," or problem we're faced with along the way, (as it suits the scheme), coming mostly as complaints from people who want us to do something else... dismissing them... or hiding something from someone... (thinking of Christopher Watts, hiding his affair, flying by his ass, and it's just that same sort of stubborn refusal to relinquish something we want, for any reason, or the inability to gain a proper perspective on how our things are affecting other people's things, an inability or refusal to look.. either way... we see the possibility that it might have happened to me... and we say this, "might have happened to me," because that's the explanation Chris gave, believing some demon entered his body... believing it "happened," instead of attributing his actions to his decisions, non-decisions, whether they be avoiding decisions, too afraid to look, we don't know).  In our own experience, the "dark," part is a very real thing.  We can't tell anyone they must recognize their own dark side, or tell anyone anything... do we get lost in the dark?  We can say with certainty that the majority of all fears and shames that we now experience are largely the result of avoiding fears and shames all along, (getting hammered on something... getting "high"), cowering in the face of.. whatever.. running, hiding... "medicating," (finding a "fix"); so we think it's good to just sit here and feel it now, to feel it all.  We aren't going to drag anyone else into the mess.  We've had more than our share of "counseling," and "therapy;" it's time that it all either works or it doesn't.

_{(11 August 2023 morning)}

We realize it might be a little soon to break into the "Jesus," thing, (but for jealousy)... except he's always there; we can say, pretty much, "mission accomplished," (or, "I have fulfilled the law?"), speaking for the governors, if their mission was to convince everyone Jesus was watching.  

This might be far fetched, but, going up a hill to fetch a pail of water... well... that seems even more odd, or stupid, unless you're heading for the mouth of the spring, maybe hoping to find the source of the stream, as, that's where you'd want to get your bucket filled, somewhere upstream; you're going to want to catch the water before it has a chance to flow through the toxic waste dump on the corner.  There's my parable.  Even better than Jesus, because it's relevant.  People have said, like, "I'm Jesus, you're Jesus, he's Jesus," (etc.).. all the way to, "Rex is Jesus," (Rex the cat), and it's probably what we do with it that matters.

The "power," that is, because nobody gets away from that little friend.  He's a lot like what happens to everybody's crotch.  I mean, ignore it all if you want, never look at it, never take it out in the air... which is the best thing for a rash, or used to be; now there's a special cream, and a toy.  

We do have to, with all this evidence that Jesus is watching, wonder, "why improve?"  Meaning, if he's coming back anyway, regardless of our acceptability to each other, why get on a treadmill?  Because you hear that from a lot of the Jesus people, "this is not my home," and when I hear that I want to say, "okay, see you later;" (go tell Dad).  

I have to blanch at the impulse to make this a serious thing, knowing the repercussions.  Like the story of the whore.  Does anybody else notice how much of the bible is about a whore?  I'm pretty sure in a couple of places it was a whore that saved the people... or Jethro... (the unknown prophet).. or his donkey.  

And it's a little difficult to understand why these people don't want things updated, (made "relatable"), some still want us to use "thee," and "thou," like in A.A.. (for them unfamiliar with "Alcoholics Anonymous," lucky you!).  A.A. is a somewhat obscure branch of the Roman Jesus-seed.. (or Catholic spawn).. and you hear it all the time from them, something like, "the first 165 pages of 'the big book,' are perfect, and should never be changed," and it is in those first 165 pages we encounter our "thee," and "thou," in the form of a prayer that everybody is supposed to say.  I mean, really?  Bill?  (Bill the author of A.A.).  It's embarrassing.  

But the branches of the church get us all riled up, so... 

Let's get back to the whore.  She had to rescue at least one important Jew, I think, but they were all over Jesus, (the whores), putting perfume on his feet, fetching some water for him, something else... and this didn't sit well with the important people.  

Well, we don't want to get into that.  Not for the reasons nobody else does, but because there's other aspects of the story that are far more interesting.  Like, none of these girls got all tingly, (in the crotch), around Jesus?  Like today, I mean.  

Fucking Jesus gets all the whores.  He did it then and he's still doing it now.

For yesterday, I mean, is this gorgeous or what?  (yesterday we said that complimentary colors are crucial)  Opposites, opposing, etc. etc. like the red and green of "christmas," (the birth of God, if nobody remembers), okay so, here is a thing anybody can see... the irony is, the plant set outside.  The spectacular droplets of moisture on the petals is not the dew, it's frost melting off... that's what turned the thing such a hot red was the burn.

 10 August 2023 

The Summer is wearing on.  Self-care has suffered of late; we are feeling an old dread, of sorts, not quite of any threatening intensity, but significant... 

Of course, we've learned from past experience that this "fall," can be halted, that it is not a fated thing, that we are not destined to tumble down more flights of stairs than we can endure, to some "abyss," or point-of-no-return.. that we will never descend to the depths we once did.  

But there is much to say about all that, and first we should like to mark the specific attention we give to the small things of the day, as regards "self-care," the care of the home.  We are speaking of the order and neatness, the cleanliness, and appearance of the place, and also our body needs, nutrition and sensory care, (what we stuff into our eyes and ears), sleep, and social engagement.  We have found that it is easy and habitual to fall to habit and all "second-nature," (and to suffer the same old consequences); we are merely at the point of noticing this trend, and feel a duty to confront it.

We are, this is to say, or have a tendency of being, very stringent in all things, very high-aimed, (what can most possibly be considered "demanding"), all leading to a real tiredness... we grow so tired of... (fill in the blank)... to the point of abandonment.  Happily, we are not, we see very clearly, the "lousy quitter,," we once were, and take a great deal of joy, (and relief), in that much.

It is because we have, in many respects, taken full control of our "self-care," in a way, as fits our stated character, nothing short of 100%.  We expect "push-back."  And we wouldn't be hasty in concluding that this is a universal quality, this need to feel included, that causes people to question our decisions; but that there should be ever a diminishing of any going back and fourth in the giving over, (or taking up), of control in such crucial matters as this.  

We are not blind to the how unnatural any sort of "solitary confinement," really is, as such a thing goes so far against anything clearly ascribed to "nature," or "creation," (as opposed to the concept of determined-creation we are), we should say rather "existence," rather even the two sides of existence, are not and can never be isolated or disconnected from one another.  This is a great mystery and irony to ponder, (if one likes), the world not being separate from the man looking at it... people can akin this to the more famous Yin and Yang of the East... (if they like)... but as it concerns self-care, we are interested to know the fruit of such a determination, of taking 100% control, and, more or less, letting the chips fall where they may; it is just that important to us.

and a note before leaving off for the moment:

This business of speaking of our self as a "we," (and not an "I"), it is because we feel of our self that we are not an individual, (at heart), but more a roomful of ghosts, acting like anyone should suppose a roomful of ghosts would.

We should say we can only publish the story in our own way, wanting to be the biggest, best, (and have all the women choose us), we don't disparage the purely masculine or mock it, rather, but to the exclusion of the feminine, we'd say that was not wise.. as impulses go; it is, rather still, the inactivity of the perfect "center," that draws such unwanted attention, (from both sides).  

We press on in the see-saw tide... 

Age is probably the biggest factor in determining how far one wants to go anymore, how far "out," how far "in," how deep into the woods... how far "back."  Probably we draw most on the sense that water seeks its most natural "equilibrium," far outside any intention of ours.

Our most recent feeling, that all literature, the written word, is possibly the greatest curse and blessing ever visited on mankind, is just something we will mention in passing, as a mark of "progress," because the diary of an old woman will find its own value in the world.

As our "God," (or "Higher Power"), we are convince, begins and ends with the community, (habitat), we have begun to feel that we are a significant, relevant, and crucial piece of God, not more or less important than any other piece... from the smallest wriggling worm to the whole... there is no more "ownership," in us, no justice-seeking, (we have put those ghosts in their place); it was a more perfect "objectivity," that appealed to us as a young man, and a growing experience with it that proves our goodness... (or "rightness")... in our vision; we would be foolish to deny it now.  

And the bitterness of the journey must be marked also, the darkest dark, because the contrast is necessary, the complimentary color, if the whole beauty of a thing is to be seen in full.