NONFICTION
Letters to the Ghosts
(the reader should expect revisions, edits and perpetual fine-tuning)
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Y O U R N E Y
THE REAL BEAUTY
18 October 2024IN LIFE A MAN CAN CHOOSE to be anything he will, any and every moment. And yes, this sounds very "trite," and catchy but it is nevertheless true, and the depths to which it is true are also up to him.I choose to act on the assumption that all the "answers," or solutions, to all my questions and problems lie inside of me, and only inside of me; I choose total authority in the matter.. I make this my being.I go with no experience, no guidance, and why should I need any? Who is to decide what is in front of me.. the man that has been there already? And why should I wish to go where he has already been?
WHY WHY WHY
13 October 2024IT IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE ONE QUESTION that can never be answered with anything but another fiction.. (ah, the wondrous fictions of childhood!). "Why," is a question of "meaning," and "purpose," and the only person who can put sufficient meaning or purpose into anyone's life is that person alone, (within the confines of his or her group?), but we ask "why," of each other, (the "why," of a word or an action), possibly more than any other question, (depending upon your personal measure of "psychopathy," hahaha). It is the question that drives every parent insane.. (and forces them to either lie, to admit they don't know, or start hitting).Must we all ask and answer the question, "why am I here?" Beyond, like, the supermarket.. or spending a day at school.. in bed.. or on a beach; it seems logical to assume that once all personal "agenda," is removed, all the why in the world becomes something pertaining to somebody else.. and don't we want to know what everybody's up to? Here again, we can say yes, children want to know.. children want to know who they are and what exactly they are supposed to be doing at school, the beach...I am only speculating of course. Some children, we can assume, don't care at all, or think at all, they just do. Odd that this sort of freedom from concern should be attributed to "maturity of the soul," so to speak.. we think of the "enlightened," or "transcended," soul as one that can't afford a care in the world.. but why exactly do all these unenlightened souls hope to gain by knowing the various "why's," of you and me, and Sally and Ron, and Hope and Dust? (that is a rhetorical question).
EVER MORE TOWARD THE HERE AND NOW
12 October 2024
HERE AND GONE
(it's looking like ink and watercolor on paper maybe 5 1/2 x 6 inches big; it's been so long I can't remember)
EVERY NOW AND THEN A PIECE OF ART "creates," itself, and the "artist," and the artist gets to not be there for a minute.. less.. the time it took to do flies without memory.. except for the image left behind. This, (above), was just such a work and I could almost grieve again, (having given it to a friend as a "going-away," present), for myself, and how happy I was to see it.It is forever moving closer toward the here and now, (for someone else).
(2 September 2024)
ABOUT THE BUSINESS OF 'BEING IN LOVE' (I can only speak for half of us)
11 October 2024I AM ABOUT THE BUSINESS of "being in love," of late always hitherto and henceforth in a cloud. It could be said things were all "thrust upon me," in the night.. in a day.. a lifetime.. and much disparagement has been endured and inflicted all around.. disdain and roaring.. meekness and hiding.. but this need not continue.. I wipe my ass with the clock, (the cumrag of civilization)...She too. Pressing the buttons with the purest hate. I know. In the very depth of me.. But for right now I will come out of those good places and suffer looking at the very surface of my face in the bitter reflection of me.. as the sky off the sea.. for the moment.. look.. look and be damned and let the words fly as if they were wind out of god's own asshole.It should happen to you.
Such boldness! To say "I have decided." I have decided upon the cumragga.. (a new sort of text).. to follow and be faithful and never faulter in it.. How bold! But to never again suffer the mealy-mouthed, (baby-talk), "'nother-chance," for it is not up to her now; no vile dreaming, advice seeking, and chatter.
***
SO MUCH TALK ABOUT TAKING authorship of one's life but it is a book written largely on the spot and never once read by anyone else; they are too busy editing their own. I was thinking there's no way to lose in a profession that maintains the solution to our "anxiety disorder," is to "get out of your comfort zone," (and a pill might help).. but this is not an obvious contradiction, just a handy one; maybe a better way of saying "you are overthinking this," might be, "I don't want to think about that." You can imagine how successful a counselor would be who came right out and said that.. I don't want to listen to any more of you.. and then when you sit quietly, at peace, (or lie on the couch), it's, "how's your mother?"
It's for this reason I've decided to jump into the hottest furnace at my disposal, (knowing the "baby-bear-furnace," will be "just right," I'll go in to the "Papa," anyway.. (and go "all in," besides).
INTRODUCTION
Friday 12 April 2024
It has been suggested to us, (the "ghosts," and me), by a good friend that we devote a website page to a thing most generally understood in society to be "recovery from addictions." We don't like the idea. And we don't like it for some very sound reasons, which, we might address here in the introduction or throughout the various chapters of the work or not at all. For one thing, our friend objects to our use of the "inclusive," pronouns "we," and "us," and "our," when we are clearly referring to a thing that is most generally understood in society to be "me," or "myself," or "my self," or all that is "mine," alone. This might illustrate the problem better than anything we could site as the main problem with such a "blog," or an attempt at writing an "essay," about addictions and the idea of "recovering," from them; it has been our experience and therefore something of a belief that people either grow out of addictive patterns or they do not. There is not much more to say about it.
There is no end to how far anybody can experience the maturing process for "their," self, until of course he, (or she), is dead, which in our opinion is the cap of development, growth, and deterioration. It might be that the best we can ever do for anyone else is to keep our self from polluting the environment, (the water and air, of course, but most of all the human group atmosphere), that they are living in, and keep or self "clean," long enough for them to grow up enough to like it here enough to stay and not need to get away or escape us via addictions.
Secondly, what the friend really said, (to me), was, "oh my god you're smart; you should write all this down," and that, if taken up, would mean either publishing the conversation exactly as it happened or presenting all that "smartness," as if it was somehow mine alone when the real fact of the matter is I was simply relaying some information and ideas to her that I had just gotten off a YouTube video. We can say "thirdly," immediately, we like to fuck around way way way too much here at KLANGORSKRAWLER, and really, how seriously do we want to take our self? This sort of "feedback," is both useful and dangerous, we've found, and we are not entirely certain which of these it is going to prove to be; it's good information, (a good "share"), and we appreciate the compliment very much, but on the other side of that coin is the "beast," we know as our own personal "Bill Wilson," (or the "we," as in me and my cock), inside, the asshole and miserable prick to work for, and cannot dismiss the fact that Bill was asking for whiskey on his deathbed which, for us, calls into question his whole claim of having been given any sort of lasting "spiritual awakening," if it didn't include his own dying day. We don't know and can never know for certain if Bill would have drunk the drink he asked to be brought to him and we don't know if he could have gotten out of bed that he would; we only know the aftermath of Bill's life as that radiates or ripples outward, and, as we can best describe it, become a ghost in our head; we can go on to describe the competing ghosts all lining up for the spot of "alpha-ghost," in here, and say the bickering never ceases, but is this going to be of any use to anyone else? We do not know.
The video in question we can post or publish a "link," to, (and we will further down); it illustrates how readily available wisdom really is if a person wants to find it or, more accurately, inflict it onto his self and his life, (we generally use the male pronoun when speculating or where the literary use of all that amounts to "you," in the world, -the reader or "audience," might be appropriate); we have always the issue of establishing a "following," that presents all sorts of problems and objections we really don't want right now, or rather do and don't want at the same time, as it is a great part of our personal "nature-flaws," to wish to avoid all conflict or conflicting things, which is a rather ridiculous wish and is an issue that threatens to take over the whole thing in the form of the "debate," as to whether or not it is at all wise to talk about wisdom at all, (inject the smiley face and "hahaha," here); the real issue at hand is what we really want to do with knowledge or wisdom or the interplay of our friend thinking we are so smart, underneath the surface of the thing, and since she hates all of our references to the things Jesus, (the "Savior"), is reported to have said we figure, "ask, seek, and knock," as a "recovery plan," is not going to go over real big in the bedroom. And, of course, there's always more; we don't know if we can accurately translate or transmit true wisdom. Such a thing can only be proven by the "fruits," of any attempt to do so as they might play out in the coming generations, which, in essence, are either going to seek it out for themselves or not, and for what reason we don't know.
Most generally speaking, (in cases of the writings of books pertaining to living a good life), authors claim to have a good life whether or not it's true; nobody really wants to admit to anybody, (and perhaps least of all their "self"), that life really sucks; these sorts of admissions don't go over big anywhere on the earth except in the most dismal gatherings, ("churches," if anyone is interested in the real definition of that word); the "good-life," books all go on to state, "you can have it too," by doing this or that thing that the authors did, and, in the most plain English, I have found that attempting to make you into me never made having to be me any better than trying to make me into you. More easily understood might be the idea that there is some "formula," for achieving what we want, no matter how illusive or buried it is, (say perhaps, we will find it under the great pyramids back east, of here, or in reality, west also), and here we might relate something we picked up from the YouTube audio/videos of Alan Watts speeches wherein he points out that the real use of a doctor is not having to go back and see that doctor again; he talks about the whole point of religion being never needing any religion again, and this triggers our abhorrence of all clubs and groups who make these good-life claims while in reality subject their followers to ever increasing "yokes," and club "dues," and responsibilities; when, if the word has any real meaning at all, the main thing we've noticed about all people we've ever met or shared with is this very strange desire for "freedom," of one kind or another, (at least until the freedom in question is obtained, and then lots of people discover they really prefer bondage).
We would say in the end now back to our friend, 'well, (Dear), how is any "artist," to avoid "wasting," his or her "talents?"' Who can determine the best use of anyone's talents? How is one to define "bondage," or "freedom," from it? We can ask her a question posed to us by Ernie Larson way way way back in the way back machine, when he asked, "How do you define your recovery?" We can ask our self were we ready for that question? Were we mature enough to take on the implications of the answer to it?
All we can say right now for sure about anything at all is there is no formula for being you in the here and now of your "recovery," or "healing journey," or whatever you are trying to do in your life. Certainly there are paths to all sorts of things.
Our only caution would be to be as certain of the thing we are hoping to get away from as we are of the thing we want to replace it; we can tell everyone what we've done to get here, but it's more important to ask, "who really wants this?"
-as promised:
ANOTHER QUOTE FROM SOMEPLACE
screenshot and link to video, "The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene (Detailed Summary) (ii)"
This particular quote was not intended to steer the reader toward any sort of conclusion on any matter, it is simply the point at which we stopped watching the video. We might say that our use of the pronoun "we," is entirely different and this is a very important distinction we would like to draw; the voices of the ghosts in my mind belong to people we have all actually heard speak, not "we all," people of the world or the U.S.A., or speaking of some imagined cultural connection to people we have not spoken to; we are, for all intents and purposes, me, here alone at my computer. We sometimes imagine the response of the "nation," but this is a very stupid thing to do. Nobody likes to feel the are being spoken for. We, the ghosts and my self, are not at all fickle about our "leaders;" we already know our "vote," is spoken for when it comes to "making laws," for other people and this is not some enraging "injustice," or frightful economic horror; we simply know that the only person we are establishing rules for is us and it is how these rules are "enforced," that makes all the difference when it comes to the quality of our here and now.
We liked the video for its rather brutal assessment of "human nature," (possibly as separated from any other part of the universe), and it has been our experience that very few people are going to want to perform such a deep dig into their own "psyche," so we are just going to leave that whole issue aside for a while, perhaps coming back to it and perhaps not. We felt it was a better "model," of traits than the famous list of the "seven deadly sins," (suggested by Alcoholics Anonymous); if we all naturally wish to improve our inner world and feel it is beneficial to discover any errors of character or personality, we would suggest this as the sort of informational source worth considering. We do not wish to throw dirt on the Alcoholics Anonymous program but rather believe in "upgrades," in the program as more and more data makes itself available. We have seen in the course of our lifetime the problem of "alcoholism," become, "substance use disorder," as it has become more and more professionalized; the entire narrative has changed so drastically in the past 40 years we could almost assume there really is a conspiracy in the upper offices of that industry to, "keep everybody, (down here), sick." But again, we are not interested in pursuing a "national," solution to anything right now.
***
WE HAVE COME UP WITH OUR OWN conclusions to things, (we would say in conclusion to this "introduction"). We have decided to take a somewhat popular suggestion and write a few letters to some people who have had some personal influence upon our development and conditioning as a "person," over the years on the earth. We don't want to take too much time trying to explain too much of it to the general audience, (the people we have not met face to face but rather serve as a significant influence nonetheless, in the form of something we are pretty sure is there and not going away); we are convinced that this lifetime is largely a play between the "public," and the "private," self, or "self," as that might relate to the "soul," or any sort of relation to the "ghosts," of dead people, any "God," or "god," or "spirit," world, inside and out; we don't want to hope to speak for anyone else when we say life is pretty "out there," or "incomprehensible," and "'God,' bless the child that's got his own," or repeat any of the other things that are embedded in our mind.. we think what we are doing is a good idea in that we notice a fairly significant "gap," between our own personal private and public "selves," and if we can't do anything to lessen that gap for ourself we might at least suggest to other people that such a thing might be a valuable thing to pursue, or practice doing; we figure at least these people we are now intending to write to might benefit from the things we never said, or have not said yet. If nothing else, the kids might begin to understand that the TV people are nothing to little they seem to be and it is a serious tragedy living a life that wants to belong to somebody else; we can't of course gauge with any accuracy anyone else's struggle to find "authenticity," within his or her "self," and then go out and be that...
One last thing the reader might benefit from knowing about all this work is that my life, (the "me," that is in charge of this body as a living organism), has been totally consumed, (more or less, here and there, varying certainly, but consumed perfectly), by "alcoholism." I was the kind of drunk that went down fast or began going down immediately from drink number one on; if anyone wants to know the true definition of "alcoholism," it is a very simple question to answer.. -if you take a drink and then find over the course of a dozen or so minutes that you want another one then you are an alcoholic. This definition can be further broken down to say you might be able to overcome the urge to have another drink at times but eventually you will not; you will drink until you fall down unconscious. And I know that mine is not every alcoholic's experience with alcohol so, in terms of finding a "program," or as I've said, some "formula," for overcoming alcoholism, I can only say, "good luck." Maybe in the course of this big "purge," sort of endeavor of mine the curious reader might find something useful to fit in or apply to his or her own little "universe," of whatever, out there.