USPD
diary of a mad man
THE YIN TO OUR YANG
"(BUTTERFLY SCAN NOT AS METAPHOR)"
scan, save, send, copy, paste, etc. and oh yeah, the dead butterfly
24 November 2023
Oddly enough it is Friday night and thus begins another "holy sabbath," (capitalized usually but not here). We are almost a full ten years off of all prescribed mental health "medications," and beginning to notice a slightly brighter outlook; it's good to know, anyway, that a man can be declared guilty of "insurrection," here, and not be banned from public office.. this, of course, comes from some horseshit narrative we pick up when we are trying to do something productive. Most recently work here at the ranch has picked up, as we have a new enthusiasm for it; we've been three years fucking with this website, and it's time for a domain renewal.. "hit and miss," is probably the best way to describe life, so.. we are going to jump over to the JESUS page for a bit.
THEATRE MASKS FOR THE MEDICATED
screen shot from we don't give a fuck where
18 November 2023
WE MUST NOT THINK OF THE "HERMIT," AS SOMETHING wholly cut off from "society," (how would we know of him?); we are simply justifying our neglect of our piece of Art here, pointing to our most recent attempts to "mingle," which, alas, did not go well. Far be it from us to rush back to our hidey hole in a huff.. rather taking courage; you can't spout off about accepting the rejection telling the truth has in store and not be able to keep working in the midst of such "survival-fear," touch off, any more than we should seek our impotent little vengeance in the name of Art, having full "access," (to the web), here in the cave; that would be no better than patching our wounds watching porn. Thank god, we should say then, that the society should not be something thought of as wholly cut off from the Hermit.
And then of course there was this, (below), like a banjo, barging in to accompany the wedding band, of it's own volition:
Saturday, Nov 11 · 9:08 PM
Texting with (585) xxx-xxxx
Hey, is this Richard?
9:08 PM
It is.
9:10 PM·SMS
Saturday, Nov 11 · 10:14 PM
Okay good.
10:14 PM
Do you know when the Golden Slipper meeting is?
10:15 PM
9:30 tomorrow morning.
10:17 PM·SMS
do I get to know who you are?
10:18 PM·SMS
I mean, 585 is a Rochester area code, or used to be, Jesus, for an hour I thought maybe this was something serious.
10:23 PM·SMS
Saturday, Nov 11 · 11:56 PM
I suppose you can consider me…your secret admirer. Hope to see you tomorrow, but if not, sooner than later.
11:56 PM
Sunday, Nov 12 - 1:03 PM
Sunday · 1:03 PM
Wut r u up to on this fine Sunday
1:03 PM
Sunday · 3:00 PM
What? Other than wondering what this is about? I mean, is there some reason you don't want me to know who this is?
3:00 PM·SMS
Monday, Nov 13 -12:15 PM
Monday · 12:15 PM
Well, mystery person, I'd have to conclude that there is in fact some significant reason you want to remain anonymous. I wouldn't be snapping to judgement as to whether that is a sufficient reason to shut down any conversation immediately, or even try and guess what it might be. I like a little mystery. Most of the joys I experience now have little to do with anything I've had very much to do with. Leaving the "secret," part aside for a minute, it might be interesting to hear what there is to "admire," (if that part of the thing gets less attention). Your having asked about the Golden Slipper says that some real care needs to be given to the number one issue in my life, at least, (if that's how you have come to know me, through A.A. There's no fucking around with sobriety for me, not anyone else's and certainly not my own). What do you want, what do you hope to gain.. you can feel free to share any of that you want to.. where you been.. where you want to go.. you name it.
12:15 PM·SMS
Wednesday, Nov 15 - 2:19 PM
Wednesday · 2:19 PM
I admire the progress I’ve seen you make. I admire your continual path of the “trudge to happy destiny,” no matter how hard shit can be. I find physically appealing. I find you mysterious. I admire your brokenness. There’s something beautiful about it. I don’t know much about you. But I can tell you’re trying your damndest to be a better person. Unless I’m a total moron. I too want to be a better person. For me first. That is important and may sound selfish. But I’ve always loathed the phrase “you can’t love anybody else until you love yourself.” And I have come to the conclusion I’ve hated it so much because, it’s true. I wrote it off for decades as bullshit. Another stupid adage to add to the list. But today, I believe it to be true. I’ve been everywhere. Everywhere but present. And I find that to be a big hurdle, among many others. I want to be truthful and honest. Not only with myself, but with every single person I come in contact with. I’ve struggled with real TRUTH all my life. And I don’t want to struggle anymore. I want to be content…to have a purpose, or multiple purposes. I want to influence other people in a positive way without telling someone else “hey, I did this really good thing for this person!” I hope to gain insight. A little more about you and your story. A friend.
2:19 PM
Decades? (that's a good sign).
But before I get too involved in this today, I'll let it be known I like to have fun, which isn't too different than anyone else, but my mind shoots to things that make me laugh, sometimes "wholesome," sometimes not so much, or not exactly appropriate to the conversation.. sometimes things get, or dive too deep that the body feels the need to intervene and says, "alright! enough! I'm taking over." It's probably the person that laughs at your jokes that.. well.. what's better than that?
Also, thank you for all that answer, I don't doubt there is tons more. And I'd certainly like to get into the whole "being present," thing and the "self-love," thing, but I can go on and on, especially about the whole mystery of treating others as our self, or what "love," (in its various forms), looks like. I've actually got work I'm in the middle of here, so, I'm going to put off deeper discussion until this evening, but there's a lot here.
Hopefully, you don't have a penis.. hahaha.. (funny, I hope.. it's funny to me).
3:11 PM·SMS
You’re in luck, because I do not have a penis. But does this mean you’re thinking about some romantic sort of thing?
3:33 PM
I think of everything, for one. For two, if you were "some dude," approaching me like this? I'd have had some really different feelings about it, and killed it. I believe you want what I want, a friend. That's what you said. You will have to believe that's what I want or not, or at least I know I have to be willing to forgo romance if that's what being your friend means, same as I'd ask of you.
4:10 PM·SMS
These are friendship ideals I've begun to lay out and practice as best I can, but it's a new thing.
4:10 PM·SMS
Anyway, I just found out a few of my A.A. friends smoke pot, so, I'm not real happy with people on the whole, at this point.
4:15 PM·SMS
That would be my next question, hopefully you aren't on drugs.
4:20 PM·SMS
Certainly the word "hopefully," makes my preference kind of obvious. I probably should have asked, "do you have a penis?" Such is the problem with texting in general. That might have been funnier. "Secret admirer," didn't help, but hopefully we cleared that up. My guess is you're married.
4:30 PM·SMS
Okay, this might be worthwhile, or give you a focus, maybe you can define "friendship," as you know it or imagine it to be.. if you lack it.. you got a "best friend?" And is that doing it for you?
4:49 PM·SMS
You might not like that I push pretty hard toward a deeper thing immediately, because it's just my nature, if you want light chit chat, I'm not that guy.
If it helps to know something very personal about me, I swore off romantic relationships maybe ten years ago, (ironically, I decided to stay out of real emotional entanglement, -not sure I've ever had sex without emotional entanglement, until I could love myself, or not need to be connected to someone else, to feel loved by them). People think that's weird, but it's the only decision I've stuck to in those ten years. Intimacy needs to be relearned, or my nervous system has to be re-conditioned to handle it. It's from losing my mother real young, and not knowing that my childhood included any trauma from that, I mean, the normal "discipline," (violence), but it was at the same time I had an enlightened counselor give me the PTSD test and pretty much identified the real problem, which is when things began to really change. For almost 30 years prior to that I was treated for depression and bipolar depression with medications, one and another and another, because anti-depressants turns out to be the worst thing you can give to someone suffering from childhood trauma. So I quit all that "medication," and started eating right, trying to heal my nervous system as much as possible. I'm pretty scientific, but, it doesn't mean the bible is meaningless. There's plenty of truth to be found there. But I couldn't join that community because I simply didn't believe what they were telling me the words meant. But the community is a "higher power," for me, believable enough to sustain me, and it makes me a part of "God," (or that power), in a real, material way.. and my part is practicing being someone's friend. I don't know how much you've heard me talk about all that, but it's good to have something that simple that I genuinely believe in, and all that's required is telling people the truth.. you know, I was thinking, and I'll probably lose you here, telling the truth is probably the one thing in this entire lifetime that we can do perfectly. Initially people say NO, that's impossible, but is it really?
5:44 PM·MMS
And yeah, most generally, "bearing your soul," is stupid, but can you imagine living your whole life NEVER bearing your soul?
5:58 PM·SMS
I'll tell you why I will do it, because it's thrilling.
5:58 PM·SMS
My guess is that this thing is either very far out of character, or there is about NO part of you and me "hanging out," in public that is going to connect to any other part of your life.. without causing some real heads to turn.. and if you are the girl I hope you are, or want you to be, I'm sorry but, it's romantic already, in my head.. and if you're not that girl? Who knows? How much of life as you look around and see it is anywhere ever CLOSE to what you were taught was "right?" And I'll leave you to answer some of that. If you been at this for decades and want more, it's been my whole life, and just now starting to be worth doing, and I only expect to grow more mature as time passes. Nothing has helped me more than seeing growth in myself, so if you say you have seen growth, that's a nice confirmation. So thank you. You'd have had to be thinking about this for a little while to have seen growth.. or seeing growth is maybe what you know life is all about. Yeah the best times of my life was when I was stuck with a group of guys in something where we had to figure out what the truth was, among the authorities, among ourselves, but the bottom line was, or is for me, the individual is only going to mature as his environment will allow. Fish will grow to the size of the pond and plants to the size of the pot.. so, yeah, the community needs to be strong, and how does that happen?
6:07 PM·SMS
Wait... Are you a "morning person?" Because I've always been, and I'm pretty sure mankind has progressed enough that we can pretty much guarantee the sun is going to rise in the morning.. we don't have to do any sun-dance, or sacrifice any scapegoat or virgin to appease the gods, so they'll send the light back into the sky.. it might be hiding a long while, and the rain might rip a few houses down, but I'm just about certain, waking up, at least until I start thinking, I'm going to feel great. We might not be doing ourselves any favors creating artificial lights, so we can be up when our bodies have no business being up.. honest to god, "hands off," is just about the best advice I've ever given any good attention to, and that is the whole spirit of A.A.. in my opinion. Because most everything I put my hands on.. well.. the greater joys are seeing other people grow, to really see it.. there's no way another person's growth can't be anything but good for me.. there's still quite a lot of vestiges of envy and jealousy and fear that I"m not going to get "mines." But I know from too much experience that ramming around trying to make all that happen is the worst possible thing I can do. Getting. And lonely nights? Pain, fear, all that? Trying to make all that go away is what I used alcohol for. And nothing is going to replace a drink. So, "loving" myself? You absolutely know just how shitty and discouraged, tired, pissed off, unsatisfied.. all of it.. that any person can feel.. and it sucks that I have to be my own "parent," or the adult in the house when I'm the only one here. It's been probably the best summer of my life, and the hardest. Especially now.. learning that the people closest to me are smoking dope. That that is done so lightly.. but needs to be kept hidden.. they said I was the "cop," as a joke, but, well, everybody knows that everybody lies to the cops. I don't know if it's an act of "will," to tend to myself.. I'm just glad I am better at it than I was a year ago, and expect to get better at it still. This is the conversation I'd be having with one of them if they weren't out getting high.
6:40 PM·MMS
Wednesday · 10:35 PM
Well, give as much or as little as you are comfortable with.. I'm pretty used to feeling foolish.. worst part of all I said was spelling "bare," wrong. Maybe I am more interested in this friendship than I should be, but, maybe you're getting high too.. to me it's worth the risk of rejection. That's the hardest part about telling the whole truth. People snicker at the idea, like it's "quaint," or naive. This could be the best or worst thing that ever happened to me, but I shouldn't have said I am not up for light conversation, because it depends on my mood, and also, this is quite a strange thing, you could be seriously unstable. I don't mean to treat everything like a puzzle that needs to be put together but, women are like a treasure chest to me that needs prying open, most of them.. maybe there's nothing at all in there, but that's doubtful. I'd be very sorry if I hurt your feelings, or you find out I'm not what you thought I was outside of an A.A. meeting. No hard feelings I hope, I don't have any toward you. I hope you come back and give me something to go on.. I mean, you can see where I'll take things by myself.
10:35 PM·SMS
Thursday, Nov 16 · 8:19 AM
Jesus, while were YOUNG? (that's something my Dad would have said, and won't be as funny to anyone else as it is to me). I'd suspect you're pretty "heavy laden," as most women are, none more than the "independent," ones.. I haven't met a woman yet who doesn't show up a-la-family-in-tow. But it's all perfectly in line with the rest of nature, or forgotten nature, the male jumping around flapping his pretty feathers, the female sitting by with look of, "you have got to be kidding me." I'd say, yeah, you want to tell the world the truth at every turn, enjoy a little spontaneity again, you'll need to learn to accept some serious rejection.. at least until it begins to really sink in that rejection doesn't mean anything anymore, if you got resources of your own, you don't have to wipe mom and dad's shit up or off their ass anymore.. it wasn't your job to see to their "survival," or provide protection from the big bad world.. you got cheated. Unless maybe you had good parents, which, I'm not convinced there are any, or has been for more decades than you or I have been alive. But blessed "America," is not a subject at aoll popular with women and girls. I'd suspect you want to be seen. The real you. So that you can know once and for all if you are truly loved. I mean, take your time. Go slow. But again, that's not exactly nature's way. You know your worth deep down. It's not about being a "better," person, christ, if you can figure out how to make that happen.. like other people's approval, or any man's attention, has given you anything but ho-hum-de-dum... I like discussing social drama.. I've got a theory that the source of all women's "anxieties," and focus, really originated in men projecting theirs onto you all. We're the ones that are supposed to be pretty and be able to build a decent nest. And yeah, if anyone fell short of all that it was me.. but, in my defense, I took one look around as a kid and said no way.. I'm going straight to "God." And that's brought me here. I did a wholehearted, some will say "obsessive," search for God.. because I figured, if you're going to go after something, go for the highest there is.
8:19 AM·MMS
Thursday · 10:20 AM
I really just don’t know what to say….there’s so much there, to don’t know where to begin. Holy shit, you think a lot. Seems slightly neurotic, but who isn’t. I’m not married. And Jesus, I just really don’t know where to start with that 6,900 word college thesis…
10:20 AM
I don’t smoke weed. And I could write a college thesis about my “mental health journey”…I was on medication for about 9 years until I decided it was doing more harm than good. I think you might have too much time on your hands, Mr. Richard. You seem to have all the answers. Especially when it comes to women and what goes on in their brains.
10:34 AM
I'm all ears now, for a minute.. you counted my words?
10:35 AM·SMS
Well I rounded down…it was actually 6,969.
10:55 AM
And I'm weird.. (I was actually toning things down for you).
10:58 AM·SMS
And for the record, women have had to hide themselves probably from the beginning of time, so, nobody knows anything about them really.. I just like to provoke.
11:04 AM·SMS
Well that’s pretty obvious (that you like to provoke). Might have made a mistake in reaching out…You seem to value “objectivity” over subjectivity, which is great, but you’re also the one considering yourself the final arbiters of what objectivity is…Your “wounded boy, turned enlightened boy…who is still searching for what masculinity is” act, shouldn’t make me feel less intelligent for not being as “rational” as you during a discussion about my own gender. Your ability to emotionally detach from women’s own lived reality doesn’t make you smarter than women; it makes you more privileged.
11:30 AM
Yikes.
11:56 AM·SMS
Yeah, yikes is right. But this was a good lesson. What you see is not always what you get. Or just some “not having expectations” bullshit.
12:37 PM
Thursday · 1:41 PM
I think as much as I'd like to get as personal back, (I don't even know what got to you so bad). But if this is "subjectivity," you can have it.
1:41 PM·SMS
Thursday · 11:14 PM
If we can wrap this up kindly, I feel kind of ugly about it. I can accept that parts of my speech were derogatory toward women, (you were not saying anything), but I don't even know who you are, and none of it was personal. I was mainly fucking, speculating, mainly trying to open a conversation. I expected you to comment, disagree, give an opinion.. give me a woman's perspective on life. I don't think I made one comment about you personally. So to have you tell me I think I have all the answers, or that my whole thing is some, what you called is, a "wounded boy/enlightened boy" act.. or suggest my objective is to prove I'm smarter than you about women.. (didn't really understand your last bit about being "privileged," or what you see is not what you got). Maybe that doesn't seem like a personal attack on my character to you but it feels like it to me. I'll stay clear of your Golden Slipper meeting. I don't even want to know who you are.
11:14 PM·SMS
I meant to say I was mainly fucking around, maybe have conversation about people in general.. I mean, feel free to give me your perspective on men.. but that didn't happen.
11:16 PM·SMS
Friday, Nov 17 · 1:47 AM
How you “feel” is in your control. Not mine. You feel ugly about it? Can’t help ya there. You’re one of those “talk the talk,”‘without walking the walk”‘types…a phony. You had me fooled. Probably fooling yourself too. I don’t know what I saw in you that made me reach out. But I wish I hadn’t. I bothered you, but I’m done with this. I apologize for reaching out. There was just something about you…but that’s part of the act I suppose. Have a good life, I hope you continue to progress, become a better human and friend…and stay sober. Bye Dick. I mean Richard.
1:47 AM
actors think everybody else is acting
1:49 AM·SMS
I don't see how pointing out my flaws makes you a better person
1:53 AM·SMS
you're just plain mean
1:54 AM·SMS
and you talk like you're 13
2:02 AM·SMS
Haha now you’re gaslighting me. Cheaters always think their partner is cheating. Liars are always paranoid everyone’s lying. I must sound so dumb because I I’m a woman. Makes sense. This was a a HUGE mistake. Again, apologies for reaching out thinking you were someone completely different. Not just some man who brags about celibacy and says “this is romantic” in the same breath. You’re just a lonely old man who likes to hear himself talk. It’s just regurgitated bullshit. Say or do something vulnerable…new, and honest. But actually don’t. Im tired , I’m old, I’m going to bed.
2:26 AM
And I’m not mean. The truth hurts, bud.
2:27 AM
so you're trying to help me.. that's what this was all about
2:30 AM·SMS
Thanks, it's really changed my life.
2:46 AM·SMS
Friday · 12:03 PM
No one can help you but you. So no, I’m not trying to help you.
12:03 PM
Friday · 1:43 PM
Misunderstood the "get vulnerable," piece, maybe I haven't given you enough ammo.. maybe ask your sponsor to look at the chat, the two of you together can tell me what a piece of shit I am.. but I suspect you knew this was a mistake before you even looked up my phone number.. and any friend you let in on it would have said to leave the newly sober alone.. if you didn't come here to help.. or to build up... maybe somebody else can figure out what your purpose in this was.
1:43 PM·SMS
Saturday, Nov 18 -12:59 AM
12:59 AM
Just Glock me. I’m donex
12:59 AM
29 September 2023
I THINK IF WE ARE STUCK with the "two-party," government, it should be split along the gender lines.. ooops... (we used the "g," word)... except that it should draw a lot of attention away from anything really important.. my motto around here has become, "hey, be yourself; take a risk for once." We're trying to figure out what a "talent," is exactly. Is it money, is it power, is it influence... then what do we do with it beside ask who's job is was to pass out the talents... and where was I that day... give me my rattle, (not to bring death into things, if "death-rattle," is a word anymore). It's the whole "re-post," thing, the "follow," thing, and the "like and share," thing that makes Facebook so fucked.
But seriously, to replace the "King," and "Queen," with the men's and women's "parties," if we can't face the fact that the whole flagism thing is fucked... if people are all that bent on "patriotism," they might consider the fact that probably one of the most, (if not the most of all), "patriotic," men that ever lived on the earth was Adolf Hitler.. a basically "rejected-artist," and son of a... and here we go! Pretty sure little Adolf grew up, for all intents and purposes, more or less "fatherless." But not to drag the whole miserable failure of fathers everywhere into view.. the old, "I never had a role model," thing... because I had a role model and he was a douchebag, or a regular old douchebag, so, trust me, you ain't missing out. I just saw a film that spoke a little bit about the childhood years of Adolf Hitler but wasn't paying attention.
Back to the issue at hand... if we are destined to be forever the fodder of a divided government.. the fucking play-thing.. the collection of lab rats and vegetable providers.. I think we should at least make it a little more interesting to watch on TV. Let's "model," our shit after real life and nature where men and women can't stand each other and basically loath, (more than anything else), the insistence they... (ready for this?)... "cum together," to mate... well, it's not necessary for the woman.. we've known that all along.. everybody knows that.. might as well cut her clit out... but can you imagine how dismal things would be if we had to rely on our own attractiveness to get laid around here? (the klangorskrawler contends that the only issue of importance is what to do about the orgasm at large).
As a "drug," (we mean), or a "sport," or a "leisure activity," or, (most of all), as a "need." What do we do about the slave-to-his-own-cock guy? (or woman)... I mean, we're all down on women who can't keep their skirts from being completely blown off by every other faint wind... let's give them a "party," (in government).. just to fucking see what happens! I mean, can things get worse?
29 August 2023
EVEN AS THE GREAT AUGUSTUS came and went... jezuss, say "goodbye," with a small remanence of "grace." Please.
The month of August is never free of "Dad," (born 18 August 1934). "I've always been something of a 'hawk,'" he said...
And we wouldn't write a "scathing," report, (rather we accept our own appraisal and deep feeling toward the man can never be objective enough); but that I might have been so much more, I might have contributed something of real consequence... (this is not over, this deep impetus to live up to... all life), if sorrow is finally allowed her... time(?), her "say(?)," her escape...
My father would, of course, believe this granting permission, (this opening of the gates), a fatal mistake, or some weak surrender to "self-pity."
Our only answer to that would be to point out the fact that there are many other sources of amusement, entertainment... (whatever the visitor is seeking), elsewhere.
My father was about as bigoted as any middle-age white man could be in the 1970's, (the years of my awful "coming to reason"). He was filled with the very worst of it, (his use of the word "nigger," for example, should say enough), but this was contradicted just as strongly by what might have been his own "old woman," inside... as my mother was breaking down... whether it be "pride," or genuine love... (he maintained as a single father to four young children)... if my understanding is not too flawed, I'd allow him his "medication," (beer), even as I remain deeply grateful to his undefiled cheerfulness... his greatest quality... he was, for all intents and purposes, undefeatable. And it only seems natural or expected, if that spirit cannot understand it's antithesis, (despair), he would take offense to the deep grief any child would suffer as the result of losing his or her mother... (none of us is Bambi... Bambi is a cartoon... though, I must admit to never watching that cartoon, and couldn't tell anyone what the story was about... beyond, well, assuming, in the end, Bambi was great and happy and healthy... on into the sunset, like every other cartoon on the menu): I do well enough to taper the rage and resentment that too begs release from this... will, (?)... that should deny it.
Given the readers' permission to proceed wholly biased and bigoted... it's true I was strangely offended by his insistence that the blacks, the black men, walking the Main Street of the inner-city, simply "refused," to work... his proclaiming them lazy... (they were perfect strangers)... and there are many examples any man can describe concerning the embarrassment any adolescent boy feels, or devastation, to be so powerless to stave off the fall of the great hero... it's a story repeated over and over.. and ever will be. We don't know if this was a topic of knowledge ever discussed in public school and we can't go around shouting it ought to be... it seems to me, in latter grades, the study of literature and drama would be filled with this theme, but most kids, less and less anyway, are making it into those last grades with any real desire or even the ability to read about it.
The Greek word for "leisure," (we have read), is the origins of the word "school," and this was a valuable lesson for us; being taught only those boys afforded enough leisure time to study went to "school." And if it turns out to be the case that my personal "institutionalization," my "disability," my break down... provided me with nothing but leisure time... time to read... time to think, to look, to wonder... we can't say it is worth it quite yet, but it is possible enough connections can be made among the random random facts and "truths," and historical record... the odd and obscure life that never gets recorded... the current conversations... in the ever "progressing," throngs and throngs and throngs of people... the fighting and killing and murdering... the crime and the innocence... it might be that a worthy piece of Art become of it.
We should say "farsightedness," would be a benefit to anyone and everyone, if our own opinion is that "great-white-america," ought to say goodbye to the land with grace... we hope to see it... we hope to say goodby with grace ourselves, even as we despised Britain, just so prior to becoming her ourself... we're so sorry if nobody else sees the thing this way... rampant runover... taking... and spinning a nice narrative for all "posterity," (posturing)... raising our sword forever, in granite, (after pulling it out of the mythical stone), all hail the king... Arthur... always asking, "was he even fucking real?" If it's that haunting, "why-am-I-even-here," or even "AM I HERE;" to which there is no other answer but, "I AM," and worse, I am the mother fucking man...
Women? We don't know and prefer never to address them generally, (we love them too much to ever tell them the truth).
We know for every man there is no moment like the one that shouts to the world, "I am the mother fucking man," when his invention works, when his design triumphs, when his lover is ravished... when the world itself and all the universe lies silent... satisfied.
We won't fault him this, his "victory-dance," and neither would we suggest he publish a film of it on YouTube... if he's beaten his rival, the forest, the bully, or his own nature... if we could enforce one truth and one alone, if we could convey, or instill only one deep sense... (a "truth")... it would be the conviction that this is not a show... and that NONE OF IT, is a show...
So, we don't film ourselves walking away gracefully; we're happy to let the non-white people have the land, (along with what remains of the white losers)... own it... cut it up... put fences around it... arm yourselves and kill all trespassers...
...but you won't do that; will you?
28 August 2023
CHRISTIAN WOMEN OF GOD HAVE NIPPLES TOO YOU KNOW (women of faith, "learn more!")
(facebook screenshot)
EVERYBODY LIVES IN THE WRONG town, we think; the popularity of all "social media," can't be explained any other way... Mr. and Ms. "Right," don't live here... but it's not our place to add, "and God can't be trusted to introduce us." Since Jesus is taken... "married," even, (to the church)... he understands...
26 August 2023
GIVEN THE FACT THAT IT IS Saturday, we should give some time to the Jesus thing, the "ROCK," (upon which he was going to build his church), the "KEYS," (to the kingdom, whatever that means), and, of course, the whore; always the whore, (the "harlot"), or whatever other more hated thing there ever was amongst, (in the "midst" of), men; it's one of the few recorded "quotes," of Jesus that has held our interest all along. But we're just going to concentrate on the phrase, "... and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it..." because we can't stand a long sermon.
These "Gates of Hell," (pause), we figure it's important to imagine the gates of a city, (not like a sign, "Welcome to the City of Lockport"), sitting in a stone wall that, you ain't getting around or over, (because it surrounds the entire city), any other way. Now, we can't exactly insist that the "keys to the kingdom," has anything to do with the keys to any established gate... but with the separation of the two "eternities," we gotta figure you can't just walk across the border, pass the sign, "Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell," and go back home when you want.
There's a bunch of stuff people can look up about "Gehanna," but we'd caution about "sources," of information. Our own study led us to conclude the place was a valley where the priests of the temple dumped the entrails, and hides, and bones, and anything unworthy of the burnt offering, (yeah, sorry, there's a whole big back story), and set it on fire; like a big pile of refuse, continually burning, and because it was rotting flesh, was certain to be crawling with maggots, and be picked at, and fought over, by the various packs of wild dogs in the area.
We reached the conclusion that the famous "description of Hell," in most of Christianity, was derived from this big pile of burning rotting flesh... (and hide... I mean... peeee-youuuu)... the stench of a thousand sins... forever... and we like the text: "where the worm never dies, the flame never fails.. there is continual wailing and gnashing of teeth;" (and a bad smell). The connection we want to make is to any city in the desert of the day, walled in, enterable only through a locked gate... and, well, once locked outside that gate, where are you going to get something to eat?
So we return to the "Gates of Hell," because there probably aren't many people wanting to bust that thing down to gain entry. So why would anybody need anything, like a "Rock," or a "Church," (built on this rock), to prevail against any gates to begin with... if gates cannot prevail... what are they doing, chasing us down? The gates ain't getting what they want... or fulfilling their purpose... it leaves us to imagine Peter and his "church," (meaning "group of people"), banging on the fucking gates of Hell... we just want to know why or how this scenario needs imagining in the first place.
The whore, (you say?), we forgot the whore part? Well, let's just think about what a whore is for a minute, but leaving sex aside, for later... let's consider "prostitution," and what that means... selling something... "sacred," (?), -or at least for the purposes of the study, something that otherwise is so socially unacceptable to sell we can't think of a worse word than "whore," for the person that peddles it, (except maybe "pimp")... should we "follow the money?" Because, in the grand picture of all giving money to this or that guy, for this or that thing, all your REAL "money," (according to the experts), that thing you're REALLY "bargaining," with... is actually waiting for you after you die... that pocketful of change you're carrying around is just some material nonsense that's liable to distract you from the REAL payday that's waiting for you... maybe.
But these "meditations," lead us to get all confused and pissed off, and it's Saturday.
23 August 2023
INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS
WE SPECULATED AT ONE POINT that YouTube might be in some sense the savior of the small man, (censorship has changed our mind). We thought it might be nice to treat the audience to a free picture but because nothing is completely free we can only add that for twelve dollars a month you can see it without commercials, like us, which is the best option, (in our opinion); it's very possible that nothing has the power to keep a person from maturing like advertising and social engineering...
It's a movie about the purposeful exposing of Valerie Plame, ("felonious," behavior in the White House), and the campaign to discredit her husband. Sean Penn gives a real Hollywood speech at the end, the gist of which was the message, "democracy is not free."
The following facts are true:
It's a good movie but not history. We've come to accept we'll never get the real story.. but if that is the seed, or deepest root cause of human discontent, it might be worth realizing for its own sake; if understanding a thing helps... like with a mountain... we'd seek to leave a map behind once on the other side.
Oh wait, this is the rage page... (forgot there)... Fuck You George Bush... fuck your little dog, your dead father, and everything you stand for... because people like you prove the old saying, "power corrupts," so we don't need people like you around here making the whole job harder.
22 August 2023
EVERYBODY'S END TIMES (TRUTH IN ART CONTINUED)
IN A REAL SENSE HERE is the real "problem:" kids just feel, in a sense, that there's a problem, they're not sophisticated enough to know what it is they feel yet, just something wrong, something ain't lining up... so the adults are faced with making a bunch of shit up... because they don't know what's really wrong either, and they're supposed to by then... it's really frustrating for everyone involved.
Then comes the big smack around, (when the made-up shit doesn't line up either)... which becomes "SMACK DOWN 2024," and soon everybody realizes, through negative conditioning, that lying is better... even the parents are relieved, finally, when the kids start lying with some sophistication... they can't come back on you after that; everybody hates "hypocrisy," and everybody knows it.
THERE IS NOTHING TO DO REALLY about anything, but we think there is, and because we can't really make up our mind as to what that is, exactly, we have decided to just sit here and speak out from our little hermit hole. In answer to yesterday's question concerning the efficacy of all "justice-seeking," we'd say the Amish had it pretty right after a shoolroomful of their little girls got mowed down by a fool... they believed it might be a good idea to try and make him less of a fool, since, apparently, he lived through his own slaughter-house thing... yes, slaughter the whole house.. or try to not be such a fool.
The Jews, (we think), defined "fool," as some sort of "immoral character;" we think the fool was just plain fooled somewhere along the line.
In answer to today's earlier question, regarding the preferred cuisine around here, I'd say the best haircut in my life was given to me by a Muslim kid who was named "Messiah." And nobody has to tell me why anybody goes back to prison after spending some time there once. And we can take a moment, (spend some time), musing the whole issue of "spending time." Who in the fuck made this particular bullshit up? And yes, it's just the way we all speak now, it doesn't mean everybody has a bank account of time they have to dip into... we just think it does. We think our "good," or "lousy," times are dependent on what and where exactly we decided to spend our little pittance of time... the big "judgement," of which it was, comes after.
But am I stupid enough to think I can get people to wonder about an earth, how beautiful it will be once people go extinct?
Because all science tells us that time is coming, and really, you just gotta look around. All that waving your cock around in the air, along with the invention of the light bulb, there won't be anyone but little green men from Mars watching it on YouTube, and laughing. Because we can't stand the notion of nobody knows the big US... (stands or kneels or takes notice, how ever they choose to obey... we're not fussy)... or that we was never here... we cut and scar the earth, as a personality... our initials... his/her initials... a heart... a "fuck you she's a slut and he sucks cock," (you name it), all the way up to demolishing the twin towers to make room for our little... (penis?)... US... written in stone, forever and ever, and ever, (of course), it can't just be "ever," or even "forever," it has to be "forever and ever.. and ever."
But we all know that's not how it is. And those kids you think are going to lose their minds, become "anarchists," and don't give a fuck about you... not because you're a cunt or a cocksucker, but because of... well, they don't believe in God! And we can't imagine why! Yes, we mean, there's not supposed to be any proof; we can't be expected to back up everything that comes out of our mouth... our whole argument is based on the fact that there is no proof of any kind, and never was, and never needed to be... it's like a credit card... (fluffy like a cloud)... so is there any wonder about economic "crashes," (the need to demonize China because we owe her so much fucking money our kids could be starving like, six or seven generations down the road; luckily they're too fucked up to notice), because if you don't have "FAITH," well, there's something fundamentally wrong with you... YOU. I mean, just look around at all of "God's Blessings!" (you little fucker). These "godless," kids, boy, if they ever get their hands on some automatic weapons, we'll have to step in, (for the greater public safety)... it's always the fucking kids... every generation blames its kids... and here's the irony, the "despair," all that free-floating despair, (unless you're on drugs), it's because, well, fuck it, if the kids are all fucked up anyway already, (there's nothing anybody's ever been able to do about that), what's the point of doing anything we don't want to do?
Our "solution," because you can't complain without offering an alternative, we'd say do nothing, about anything... just try it... within reason, of course... or rather too specifically TO somebody besides your self. Do anything to you that you want to do... leave others be.
Certainly express how you really feel, (sitting in church or not), and don't hold back... nobody here is going to beat you for that... not in THIS church... this is where it's at... get yourself a website, (about $100), and go to town. Jesus said to go to town, he said you gotta.. more or less.. but it was called the "marketplace," back then... you can look for that speech over on KLANGORSKRAWLER..
We like what Saint George, (Carlin), said about "protest," (he suggested doing it right), "set yourself on fire." Don't be a fucking pussy, carry a sign... psffff... as an alternative, that is, to not doing anything about anything, even hunger... yours or anybody else's... just starve... just sit there and starve... and don't post anything. And we're not trying to be clever about the population problem, in the stand up comic way... just consider, if there's nothing you can do, why are you still here? What club do you belong to, (you kids won't remember when that was the sort of news that made it into the newspaper... somebody joined a club... then it got exclusive). Are you a worker bee? We got too many. Are you a queen? (with an actual vagina or egg producing insect thing)? Are you doing what everybody wants you to do? Yes, everybody, not just some people... what are you, trying to be like everybody else? You gonna pick your little club or you gonna include the whole world?
Oh yes, kids, my mouth is the problem. It's my problem. What goes in and what comes out... and it's my responsibility, deciding both. Still... at this age... the options are just, infinite... unlike the mouth itself.
We eat our kids by drawing on our grandchildren's grandchildren's grandchildren's vegetable gardens... they already belong to someone else... who, hopefully won't come to collect in full, and just skim like always... but we'll never know.
"...Okay so below, this latest drawing really warms my heart. I had this on my list for a while and finally got
to it. I want to make it a big painting filled with lots of color and warmth. I know that one of my absolute
favorite things in life is gathering with people I love in a circle and making fun of each other, singing songs,
and eating good food. Also, if you notice in this piece, the stars in the night sky are smiling representing the
ones that have passed that we miss so dearly..."
-Melissa Villaseñor
SCREENSHOT OF "UNTITLED" (APPARENTLY)
my guess would be ink and watercolor, or marker...
Melissa Villaseñor
MELISSA
screen shot
BUILD THE WALL... BUILD THE WALL... BUILD THE WALL... yeah, because we had a real scare here in the good city of Lockport, (New York), and it took a long time, most of the morning, to get to the bottom of it; our usual short cut had been cut off by cops... (any police presence of any kind for any reason, even speeding by in oblivion, is a real scare)... we were on our way to the Art place here in town, it's an old something, a print shop, or mill, no longer what it was, and now something else, with remnants; the owner rents Art studios, and hangs Art, and sells poor quality.. uh.. affordable, Art supplies... and we forget why we were going there... pretty sure it was to pay for some paint we bought the day before, when the woman couldn't figure out how to work the machine... and we hate to be so hard on the Art place but that's just how we are.... so we were talking to the lady, who seemed surprised to see us, (the problem the day before was we didn't have enough cash), she seemed surprised to see us showing up with cash... probably my clothes... anyway, yeah, she says she has a daughter in school, and they were texting all day back and forth, and it seems there was a bomb scare at the school, but not that school, or any school, pretty much in all of New York State... it was some sort of glitch in the early warning state of the art technology... that had a bomb someplace, in some school, somewhere... could be anywhere... could have been Delaware... it's the whole east coast now, you know... threatened... (I saw a german shepherd dog but no blue baggie of dog shit being carried around by anybody.. if anybody notices that but me.. either police dogs don't shit or police men don't give a shit if they do)... so there's no bomb to watch out for, (except the stinky wet hot one now hidden in the grass we usually cut through)... and the woman behind the counter is explaining the whole thing to me:
"This is what happens when you have weak borders."
I swear to god.. some dirty crazy Mexicans are up here planting bombs in our schools... or... it' possible she was actually sophisticated enough to know the whole "make-america-safe," thing is bullshit... (we know not which)... or that the great expense of all state of the art drones and shit is bullshit...
We didn't ask. We didn't want to know. Both scenarios amount to the same thing... AMERICA EATING HER YOUNG... and you almost let that slip by, didn't you, the United States of America as just "AMERICA," (because none of the parts of any of the rest of either of the "Americas," matters to us, the great US... other than being the closest cheap labor pool around)... we're too fucking sick of the whole nonsense to really care what that cunt meant by her patriotic mish mash of ill logic... and we're pretty sure the good people will object to our use of the word "cunt," at all, (for any reason), but I don't consider myself better than the cunts and the cocksuckers... I too eat my young.
I don't want to, (I'd probably prefer Mexican), it's just a slap-nose reflex, (see: "pavlov go fuck yourself" on Google), I remember the one argument I had with my son's mother was over whether or not we were going to pretend there is a Santa Claus... she won... she said, "what do you want him to think he's different?" How are you going to argue with that... it takes too long just figuring out what she really was saying.
So, yeah, we're so depressed we really don't give a fuck... we couldn't answer that question then and we certainly can't now... do we want him to think he's different... different than what? The Reds? The Blues? Which is better? And where's Yellow these days? We feel lucky that we can notice that Mexico is probably one of the only places on earth where you can get away with using all three primary colors pretty much at full strength, on the same piece of Art, (see: Melissa's blouse, above), and get away with it, (have it be a success). You can't do that here, so, fuck you.
21 August 2023
TRUTH IN ART
PUTTING THE CRAZY MAN IN PERSPECTIVE
unintentional "selfie"
"THE ARTIST," (and this was a real face), -we were trying to make the cellphone take a picture, but not a "selfie," when this happened. We think the piece might carry itself though, if the whole amused-artistic-anguish thing had a face; it's got that "one-eye-looking-at-you-one-eye-looking-away," thing happening...
In context, we were trying to take a picture of a flower on the porch in the morning... we've, (we had), been watching some potted seeds growing for about three months, and with winter coming we thought to start building a store of subject material.. here, today, we're just getting a jump on the bedridden thing... when the only Art we can produce has to be done lying down... we're building up a "context." We already know that anything of merit that actually falls out of us isn't going to be recognized as valuable for a couple generations, and if that amounts to a big fat zero, we're not going to know that either.
But we've got much more important things to write about.
NOW THE BAD MAN would say something like, "anybody that won't give Jeff Bishop, (above), an hour of his precious fucking time..." well... he, (the visitor), is not going to find anything of interest here.. and might as well go look, (treasure hunt), someplace else.
We have quite a terrible lot to say about this video but since this will be a recurring theme we are only going to say that Jeff's position on the whole matter is perfectly ours; he is, after all, the engineer, (we are a malcontented "American"). On the topic of "justice-seeking," generally, we have come to the conclusion it is worse than masturbation, but masturbation ain't that bad. The reader can take that to mean the end goal can be "achieved," or made to happen, (the guilty person can get the chair), but it also makes us wonder if anybody's really sat down and given any serious thought to what the goal actually is? Seeking justice, we mean, not blasting off into nevereverland. It's safe to assume, rather, that a buildup of more or less impotent emotion, (doesn't have to be over an "injustice," but just something shitty with no resolution), or emotion even that is not impotent, like rage... any of this can cloud the thinking. And, really, who wants a nice quiet resolution to any injustice? We can ask if a good orgasm, (if there is a bad one), is a goal. Meaning how many of us has experienced that "soul-merge," during sex, (all sweaty and stinky), and we'll even say, "making love," if that's different than sex, with the husband... and this is no time to go into the conspiracy of marriage; we've got a big enough conspiracy on our hands as it is...
But here we back off, to say, we can't end our analysis taking Jeff's perfect position... because we are a discontented American and our whole relationship to the "safety and security," racket is not mature. And here's an example: Jeff seems to not lose his mind when told NIST will not tell him the truth because that will endanger the public, or jeopardize public safety... or some such nonsense as that... when absolutely the opposite is true... Jeff, that is, being an actual engineer, and in a position to analyze building structure failure, might actually be able to engineer a building that will not collapse into its own bootprint from an office fire.
Us? We can't do anything about any of it and might as well be cumming in a sock.
HOPE IN THE MALE-STROM
youtube screenshot
THIS WAS AN ACCIDENTAL THROW back to the whole Mary Tyler Moore show era.. meaning it threw us back, (emotional dysregulation), to a much more confused and simpler time, and if people don't immediately recognize this "favored daughter," we expect someday they will.. -we can't say if she'd particularly want "association," or our "endorsement," of any kind... but as all YouTube world goes, she balances the scales.
As everyone lives their life on TV now... virtually in a real way... back when we were kids we had to pretend our whole life was on TV.. but we can't get into the whole "virtual," vs. "real," thing right now, if there's any real significant difference, we expect someone will let us know.
Because it ain't like we want our own face all over Google... (google-eyes or not)... we lived our life avoiding attention... and there was absolutely no "growing up." We didn't put words to that especially until just recently when it's become an unavoidable truth we can't deny it; there was never any chance of growing up, or, maturing out of adolescence, and it wasn't a choice, and we weren't trying to sell lite beer, or ourself, or hand gliders, or parachuting trips... oh, sure, we pretended we decided never to grow up... and here it's come to collect. In some ways, great; it's the pure raw boy, (not too overtrained), but on the other hand it's a gross old man.
Without lamenting too much, we were not going to ever allow our self to get put anywhere near a thousand miles away from Vietnam, even in 1973, but before that, just before adolescence, even when Vietnam sucked like the six o'clock news... you kids won't remember when the news was called "the six o'clock news," and you didn't have to watch it move from six o'clock to five o'clock, then to four o'clock.. then all fucking day... because that was Dad's time, when Dad said things like, "well, you're welcome to go buy your own TV if you want but you're not putting it in my house." When the conversations turned to how are we going to stay the fuck out of Vietnam, his answer was, "well, with your grades, you can expect to pretty much ride the first wave in, the minute you turn eighteen." He'd follow that up with, "you're certainly never getting into college." That left Canada. What is curious is not remembering the war ended. And that happened before the drugs began.
So, at the risk of sounding like a whiner, fuck you. This is the bad page, remember? I'm still pissed the Mary Tyler Moore crush got so brutally disjointed by the Vietnam crush... I might have grown out of it... that video evidence that there's a great girl out there someplace, not here, something happens when they can see you and hear you, it's not like you're watching TV anymore... which is to say, sure, great girls are all over the place, they're all great girls, there's no such thing as an "unworthy," girl, (or person), but we're being specific, and talking about the ones that knock you out... girls like Agent 99.
Probably nobody else here just considered the TV to be a living thing, in the living room, that was so much better than all the other living things in there. Dad talked to it. But let me stop here. I should address the mentally ill, (who are watching)...
Relax, mentally ill; it's going to go away.
But be warned.. when things do finally clear up for you, they, (the professionals), will say you were never mentally ill to begin with... (they're not in the business of curing anyone; that would put them out of work).
Getting back to the whole nine-eleven thing, (before saying, "goodnight," for the day), it's important to understand we've been wracking out brains for over 20 years now, trying to figure out what we should do about it... we knew, that is, immediately, (watching the towers collapse), that something was not right... it was all too, something...
And Jeff Bishop provided a good clue... he says in this video that the firemen in the towers were radioing down to the command post, or headquarters, (whatever they call it), to say they had the fires under control and wouldn't be long in putting them out, and then...
The fact that there is not tremendous cry for "justice?" Here in Justice Land? I think people just know there's no such thing.
Innately, I mean. Deep down, we all know, or feel or sense that seeking justice is foolish... it's the rage and heartbreak that we don't know what to do with. So, anybody that thinks I want to go after George W. Bush, or his father, or any of those lying assholes... no. They're just as fooled as the "Jihadists," they were demonizing. We know there's nothing on this earth that has the potential to torture a man quite like being fooled, or to be paraded as a "hero," when he knows he's a heel and a coward.
I think we need to have the fab four body language experts, (THE BEHAVIOR PANEL -YouTube), analyze the following footage, or interesting, not necessary; anybody watching this thing is going to feel the distress... poor George couldn't even concentrate on answering the actual question... he was so tied up with the suggestion he had "prior knowledge," (of the planes striking the towers). Now, I believe they had prior knowledge. I'm not alone, but that's not here nor there on the issue of whether the guilty are paying for their crimes... the guilty ALWAYS pay. You and I don't get to see it, but trust me, they pay. Our business is to keep ourselves from NEEDING to see it.
Yes, I think they knew all about it, and early enough to wire all those buildings to come down. The problem with the firemen putting the fires out too soon... (before full evacuation could happen)... well, with every crime, you can't prepare for everything. It's the whole "collateral damage," thing... (and that's what they're paying for).
George Bush was supposed to be a portrait painter... but cowardice stopped him.
And if the real victims of that tragedy feel that I am being disrespectful to them, or anything like "insensitive," I wouldn't know how to respond. I remember having "THE BOY IN THE STIPED PAJAMAS," on a college English reading list, and being horrifyingly offended... this whole fucking justice-seeking thing has got us so warped... (for them that haven't read it, it's just more justice-seeking, only virtual, fictitious, and beyond offensive to any sensitive heart, or should be)...
So, we keep an eye on the Engineers and Architects for 911 Truth... we hope they never give up and go away. Studying construction failure provides more "safety and security," (in a real way), than all the aggressive offensive wars in the world... all that fabricated hype... just complete horseshit... but that's it, I have to go before the anger gets the better of me.